one year ago

one year ago we were in orange county and leon was recovering from H1N1. it's hard to remember how small and babyish he was. but ever leon "and eternal."

the words are coming fast and everyone remarks on how verbal leon has become in the past month. he's always been opinionated, but it's amazing how a 'yes' or a 'no' can produce results that even impress him. i would love to read more about the acquisition of language because it's very clear that a) certain sounds are repeated in slightly new ways to form similar sounding words and b) he's uninterested or unable to repeat the few words and phrases i'm able to offer him in korean. although i'm literate and have decent comprehension of spoken korean, my speaking ability is wretched. not sure how to deal with this, since i would love for him to have enough fluency to be able to converse with his grandparents. my grandmother and i can barely exchange more than two sentences. when i have the time, i pore over the korean language workbooks that my mom sent me, but my accent is atrocious. the same goes for all of my languages, which makes me think i don't have an ear for the spoken word.

my favorite words:
hess (yes)
fish
no
nose
noah
whale
wheel
juice
shoes
appah
apple


and another bit from A.S. Byatt:
She thought she would never forget any of these moments, these points of development, these markers in time, and forgot all of them as the next stage seemed to be William and eternal.
--Still Life, page 242. [i feel like i could write a dissertation on motherhood in A.S. Byatt's novels. perhaps one has already been written?]

roseola

on saturday night leon felt warm to me. i wanted to check his temperature, but didn't for fear of disturbing me. it didn't seem to be much higher than 101, and he's normally warm before bedtime. all night long i felt the back of his neck, no change.

sunday morning i checked his temperature. 102.8. i called the nurse, who suggested we give him motrin every 6 hours, tylenol at the 4 hour mark. we didn't have motrin, so we gave him tylenol and then headed up to nashua, nh, to pick up his new jogging stroller. when we returned, he was burning hot. 104.5. i freaked out, gave him motrin, and freaked out some more. the fever would come back at the four mark, so i would give him tylenol. it went back up to 104 once more that night.

monday morning i took leon to the pediatrician. she said it might be a urinary tract infection and that i should keep alternating motrin and tylenol. that day the fever went between 103 and 100. he had no other symptoms aside from the fever. feeding was difficult, but i compensated by nursing more frequently.

tuesday, more of the same. the fever would go down to 100, and then jump back up to 102. 5. the pediatrician called and said we should only give tylenol if it was above 101, and motrin only if it was above 102.5. i gave him motrin once that day. i guess they wanted to see whether the medicine was masking anything.

wednesday morning his temperature was 99.7. it stayed down until mid afternoon, when it shot back up to 102. i gave him tylenol once that day. still eating only half of his regular amount, still crabby.

thursday, the fever is suddenly gone. but he's extra clingy and irritable.

friday. i notice a rash of tiny red bumps on his face, chest and back during his evening bath. we google it. roseola.

i've been watching leon for 7 hour days while matthew finishes his thesis, and i am exhausted, both physically and psychologically.

on teeth

leon loves his little haba blocks, which stephanie gave him. he particularly enjoys putting them in his mouth. the other day i thought to myself, hmm, it's rarely a good idea to run/crawl with something in your mouth. maybe it's because i knocked out my front tooth when i was 10, but you won't find me walking about with a lollipop, spoon, or anything else in my mouth. i'm very protective about my remaining teeth.

this thought of keeping small, hard gummable objects away from leon came and went that day. after all, he loves playing with them.

today while i was uploading videos onto the computer, leon played at my feet. he had a small block in his mouth and was crawling around like a little puppy, which i find to be very endearing. all of a sudden he falls flat on his face. or mouth, rather.

accustomed to all sorts of bumps and falls, i calmly kneel down and pick him up. he's bawling, bright red, tears flowing. i check him over.

blood--coming out of his mouth. i panic, my heart racing, flashbacks of rollerskating and knocking out my tooth, root and all. with every passing second, i'm ever more certain that he's knocked out his front teeth, all four of them. i rush him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out, trying to slow the bleeding with cold water so i can see what's going on in there. i call matthew, screaming, 'there's been an accident, mouth bloody, teeth gone, blood everywhere, what do i do?!?'

my upstairs neighbor, who has a three-year old, hears the hullabaloo through the lightwell and knocks on the door, offering help. we get things sorted out, ice cubes wrapped in cloth and placed on leon's mouth, and then the crying picks up again. she leaves so i can nurse him. i cautiously pry open his mouth, dark visions clouding my eyes.

all teeth are there. nightmares of leon spending the next 8-10 years without his top teeth vanish. i swear on all things good in the world that i will never do computer stuff while watching leon. distracted parenting doesn't really work, especially when your 10 month old has inherited your clumsiness. i know i can't prevent every single little accident or bad thing, but that doesn't lessen the blind hope with which i hold him close, attempting to keep them at bay a little longer.

leon, standing.

maybe it was new york city, but leon started standing on his own for a few seconds at a time. sometimes he's holding onto something and then lets go. more excitingly, sometimes he slowly stands up from a crouching position.

he also can climb onto the couch. scary times for my poor books.

as for me, the heart palpitations are gone (more or less), and my heart checked out just fine. unfortunately, the inevitable finally happened and my front tooth died after nearly 20 years post-rollerskating accident. it really is true. even as these babies thrive, the parents (especially mama) take such a beating. still working on the sleep thing. last night was awful (wakings every 30-90 minutes). i don't have the heart to let him cry. he's too knowing already.

9 months

9 months check-up
29 inches
19 lbs, 9 oz.

loves yogurt, rice and lentils--not so much.
still fights naps and bedtime, wakes up for an hour during the night to crawl and fight sleep, sometimes sleeps a 3 hour stretch between 6 and 11 pm.

i, on the other hand, am a wreck. heart palpitations, fatigue, muscle pain...blood work on monday and an appointment to set up a holter heart monitor. hopefully it's just a thyroid condition or anemia, not anything directly related to the heart. apparently 1 out of 20 women develop hyper/hypo thyroidism in the postpartum period. at any rate, i spend my days dreading those little heart flips and worrying that i should have signed up for life insurance.

leon is trying his best to keep me entertained.

swine flu, pt. 4

leon is pretty much all better. my mom, however, is not. she has respiratory issues, so she went on Tamiflu as soon as she got a fever. my dad and i have had GI issues, along with really awful fatigue, but otherwise, no real flu symptoms.

i can't tell if i actually had the flu virus or whether it was psychosomatic. i'll get the vaccine once we return to cambridge mid-november.

as for that Tamiflu--

the tutti-frutti flavor must taste something awful because leon makes the hugest face. the first 3 doses were really hard to give him. he screamed, wailed, fat tears rolling down his cheek. i now have to hide the bottle and syringe because just looking at them makes him purse his lips.

the only way to feed him is by spoon. and even this can be a 10 minute process as my mom or dad attempts to distract and amuse him so that that little mouth will open just a crack.

i'm just glad that he's doing better, and that i didn't really get sick. i'm not taking my chances and will get the vaccine. who knows how long this flu season will last and whether it will become more vicious in the winter. i've definitely turned into a paranoid hypochondriac, though. i should stop googling 'asymptomatic H1N1 symptoms,' 'chest pain,' and 'death.' sometimes the internet is not a good thing.

swine flu, pt. 3

so leon was prescribed Tamiflu even though he hasn't had a fever for more than 24 hours and it's been more than the 48 hours recommended since the onset of symptoms. i called his pediatrician for a second opinion, and they suggested we give him the anti-viral medication. if he starts vomiting--a side effect--we should stop.

but the main concern right now is whether he'll develop a secondary bacterial infection, which Tamiflu won't prevent at this point. apparently one-third of the infant/small child deaths have been from this, not from H1N1. so a new fever of 101 or higher means another trip to the doctors.

also, the virus remains active in his nasal secretions for up to one week after the fever has subsided. so that means there's a good chance we'll get infected with the flu. the vaccine still isn't available here, so we're going to have to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

swine flu, pt. 2

leon's test came back POSITIVE. he doesn't have a fever, just nasal congestion as usual. he's playing with my wallet and having a grand time.

we're all going in to be tested this afternoon. i didn't feel too great on saturday, and i don't feel like i can't take super deep breaths, but hardly what you'd call 'labored breathing'. but that could just be a byproduct of my hypochondria. we'll see.

swine flu, pt. 1

i noticed leon was a touch warm on friday morning. by the time we returned home, i checked his temperature. 102.8. he had also been dealing with a runny nose for the past week and a half (clear mucous). my mom called a pediatrician's office, and they suggested we drop by. i wasn't too worried because leon was playful and active as always. he was, however, napping more often that day, which is definitely out of the ordinary. i gave him 0.8 ml of tylenol and packed him in the car.

at the doctor's office, they checked his temperature along with other things. 99.6. the pediatrician then came into the room. the first thing out of her mouth was--there have been a lot of cases of swine flu with a high fever. my mom looked terrified. she asked whether a small fall two days ago had contributed to leon's fever. she also wondered whether he should be taking pedialyte for hydration. the pediatrician said no, which i could have told her without having to go to a doctor's office.

at this point, leon wasn't doing too bad except for his runny nose, sneezing, a low to medium fever, and a bit of coughing. all signs were pointing to a cold. the pediatrician, however, decided to bulldoze us into agreeing to two flu tests. one was in-house and would tell us whether or not he had influenza. the second, which had to be sent to a lab, would be more accurate and would determine whether he has H1N1. she said that of course the lab test would be more expensive, around $400, and would take 2-3 days. if the in-house test was positive, then the lab test would surely be positive. but if it were negative, there would still be a chance of a positive lab result. i didn't quite follow this logic, but i'm not a doctor or a logician.

i then asked what the point of a lab test would be if we needed to administer Tamiflu within 48 hours of symptoms. she said, well, we could still treat him, but yes, Tamiflu is more effective sooner rather than later. of course all i could think was, if he has swine flu, his condition is going to deteriorate before the 2-3 days are up.

my mom frowned and decided we should go ahead with both tests. i was more skeptical, but i also knew that leon's health insurance would cover everything except the $10 copay. i did, however, feel bad about contributing to the 'needless testing' that encumbers our health care system.

anyway, after two days of tylenol and many frustrating naps and sleepless nights, leon is doing much better. we're all going in next week for the H1N1 vaccine--if it's still available in our area. i'm not anti-vaccine, but i can't help but feel nervous. i'm not a fan of giving leon more shots than he needs, especially since he tends to have a bad reaction to them.

pt. 2--the vaccine and how it went.

4 month check-up

today was leon's 4 month check-up (14 lbs, 9 oz., and 26 inches long), which meant vaccine day. we gave him tylenol as soon as we made it back home, but his crying has been pretty intense. poor baby can hardly bring himself to nurse, he's so unhappy.

i want my funny little bunny back.

vaccines and colic

leon had his first DTaP vaccine on friday. now, i'm not an anti-vaccine person, although i hate seeing my baby in pain even for a tiny moment, but there is something strange about his behavior since then.

4 hours after the vaccine, leon woke up from a nap screaming at the top of his lungs. i tried feeding him, but he was super unhappy. he continued to wail for over 2 hours before matthew called the doctor. they told us to give him infant tylenol because he had a low fever (99-100 degrees) and was crying. he continued crying for another hour, no matter how hard we tried to soothe him. the vaccine info sheet says that inconsolable crying for more than 3 hours is considered a severe reaction and may result in him not continuing the booster shots. well, we'll see what the pediatrician has to say about that.

the next day his fever persisted, and the crying kept on going. we gave him more tylenol throughout the day. now, leon is an intense baby, but whenever he cries, i can usually localize the problem. there's the whine-cry that comes when he's sleepy but can't quite fall asleep. the sharp, sudden high-pitched cry means a diaper change (i.e., he just wet the diaper and needs it changed RIGHT NOW). there's also the hunger cry, which takes on a funny rhythm, almost like a cry-grunt. and when he's bored, well, that's a less severe cry.

but this new cry is really something else. it keeps going and going, he whips himself into a frenzy and starts choking because he's taking sharp fast breaths. his face and body turn red, and he seems so furious.

the fever subsided by the end of the second day, but i've noticed that he cries like this beginning around 7pm now. i'll feed him, put him down so i can eat dinner, and the crying commences. matthew picks him up and tries to soothe him, but the cries only intensify. i wait for as long as i can take it, and then i stop eating my dinner, run to leon, scoop him up, and the crying stops. he looks at me, and my response is: can you possibly still be hungry after eating for a solid 15 minutes 20 minutes ago? the answer is yes. so i feed him again for another 20 minutes. and then, if i'm lucky like tonight, he drifts off to sleep. if i'm unlucky, the cycle starts all over again. a diaper is changed, happy gurgling, and then in a flash, screaming and wailing that comes out of nowhere.

is this colic? is this a side effect of the vaccine? i don't know, but it's wearing us out. we've tried giving him the pacifier, but he keeps spitting it out. he wants me. this means feeding for 15 minutes and then sleeping and sucking for 20 minutes more before my arms fall asleep.

can a baby develop colic after 9 weeks? i don't know. but i suspect this new crying has something to do with the vaccine. he's always been a difficult to soothe baby, but the ferocity of his cry has completely taken us by surprise. usually it's a constant pathetic whine that is punctuated by sharp cries. i don't know what to do, but it seems that something is not right with him. i wish i knew what it was. i can't tell if he's hurting, or if it's more of a psychological thing. maybe he's going through a major growth spurt and is mighty pissed with me because i'm not feeding him every 20 minutes? he's a lucky boy that his mama doesn't have a milk supply issue. i am hoping things will improve next week. evenings and nights are the toughest. the only thing that keeps us going is that he wakes up in the morning smiling and chuckling as if the past 12 hours were a dream. if it weren't for those moments, i would be in a sorry state right now.

9 weeks

a moment of calm....

the soundtrack to my life

emerging from the trenches

matthew propped up a few eames cards for leon since he was looking a bit bored with his crib. i'm so happy that leon can see things now, although that means we now have to work much harder to keep him amused.

so, it's been 5 weeks now since leon was born. a lot has happened, and yet a lot hasn't happened. the first 2 weeks were great. leon rarely cried or fussed. even though i was having a hard time breast-feeding (ouch), he was gaining weight like a pro. i had lost a lot of the baby weight immediately and was feeling confident that my body would bounce back in no time once my stitches healed.

our troubles began during week 3. the day after leon and i went to a post partum support group, he was inconsolable. all day long he fussed, grunting and whining. i couldn't leave his side and went nearly mad trying to figure out how to make him happier. the next day was better, but feedings became more difficult. he would eat for shorter periods (3-5 minutes), stop, and then commence screaming at my breast. i tried not to take it personally. it got so bad that i would try to force him on, and he would scream and push me away, which obviously isn't a good tactic on my part. at one point during the night i made matthew take him away from me because i was about to lose it.

ever since then, we have good feedings, and then we have really awful ones. often he will stop eating if he has a poopy diaper. after this happens, he starts screaming until we change it. he also will stop feeding and begin writhing violently while crying at least 4 times in a 24 hour period. i suspect that he's constipated, but i don't know how to make it better, so i rub his belly, burp him, and hope for the best.

oh yes. my life revolves around leon's digestive system.

a huge part of the problem is that leon and i are having a really hard time getting to know each other. i'm terrible at reading him, and well, he's just a baby, so i can't expect him to do much in return. when he turns bright red, i know he's about to start his high-pitched wail, so i scoop him up immediately and try to soothe him with a little bouncing. this doesn't always work. i check his diaper, offer him something to eat, and then bounce him some more. sometimes there's a diaper leakage issue, so i check for that, too.

leon feeds an average of 14 times a day, which equals 12-16 diaper changes. i thought things would get better after 4 weeks, but no such luck. after a feeding, it takes him about 20 minutes to settle. 30 minutes later, he's waking up again and preparing to feed. a diaper change and feeding later, the cycle begins again.

the pregnancy was easy. yes i was tired and nauseated, my joints ached, and i was intensely uncomfortable. but i was able to get work done through sheer determination.

the labor and delivery wasn't easy, but it was manageable. i have a high tolerance for pain, and knowing it would end within a day or so helped me get through it.

the past 5 weeks haven't been easy. i won't lie and say that all this hard work is worth is because i have an adorable baby. i don't know what anything's worth right now because i'm in the thick of things...and it's been very very hard on me. it would be great if matthew were home more to relieve me of a crying leon. my mother has been a huge help, especially when i was sick for a week with a low fever, chills, body aches, etc. unfortunately, she has been sick with a persistent, nasty cold for the past week, which means i've had to take care of her, leon, and the household chores. i know i can't get much of my own work done right now, but it would be nice to read an article once in awhile, just to remind myself of who i was and who i could become.

and yet, things are slowly getting better. leon sleeps more often in the bed with us, which helps with nighttime feedings. i'm also very careful not to force him during feedings. if he stops, that means something's the matter. so i burp him, check his diaper, and try to keep him in a calm state. i've begun jogging, which makes me feel ten times better during the rest of the day. i know i still have a long way to go before i feel like my body is back to normal, but just being able to go outside makes a huge difference.

i know i'll be in a much better place mentally and physically in a month or two, but that sense of perspective doesn't help me tremendously right now. it's difficult to go from grad student writing a dissertation to full-time parent. i would say that of everything that's going on right now, breast feeding is by far the most difficult thing i've ever done. i often think of quitting, but then i see how well he's growing and gaining weight, and that makes it hard for me to stop.

it will get better. it will get better. until then, every day is a challenge, every nap a small victory....

planning our great escape

today leon saw the world for the first time. i held him over my shoulder and he was utterly silent (a welcome respite), his eyes darting and focusing on his surroundings. when i held him in front of our large bay window, i could finally tell that he was able to see something.

the number of times i've left the house since he was born.
pediatrician--4 times
midwife--once
postpartum support group--once
school--once for a lecture
grocery store--2 times
walk around the block--2 times
coffee shop--once

my mother is keeping me under house arrest for one month. last thursday when i had a low fever, body chills, migraine, and engorgement for two days, i could tell she felt vindicated. i haven't left the house since thursday, except to water the plants on the deck once. i know i'm so lucky to have someone cooking, cleaning, and helping with leon, but it can be very frustrating when you're told that asian bodies are different and therefore i can't leave the house and can only eat and drink hot things for the first three weeks. i could go on and on, but instead leon and i are planning our escape.

the weather is steadily improving and spring break is next week. i haven't worn my new mayle mirabelle dress yet, so i think it's time to make reservations at craigie on main to finally have my birthday dinner, two months late.

and next week my mother and i have massages in arlington, so maybe leon will finally get to go outside. his stroller (micralite toro) arrived last week, but since i didn't buy a carrycot, i'm not sure he'll be able to use it for a few more months. we bought it on ebay for half off, and it arrived new in box with the warranty card and everything. if we hadn't bought it for so cheap, we would have ordere the maclaren techno xt. i'm so over $600+ strollers!

different is different

39 weeks, final belly shot

41 weeks

rings still don't fit


post-delivery, everything about my body is different. my fingers are still so swollen that i can't even get my rings past the second knuckle. matthew's wedding band, however, fits. i've heard that sometimes your ring and shoe size never goes back. i hope the swelling goes down soon, i haven't worn my rings in over two months. i might give my mom back her diamond (top ring) and have my original wedding set re-sized if they still don't fit come summertime.

i lost about 10 lbs immediately following leon's birth, which means i have about 8 lbs and 3 inches off my waist to go. even though i can fit into my clothing (more or less), my belly is soft. right now the extra skin and fat is welcome because i can rest leon on it while nursing. all those boppy pillows stress me out more than they help with positioning. plus, he's into snacking, so my arms aren't killing me--yet. i am counting down the days until i can jog again, but even with my mom's cooking, breastfeeding seems to be burning the calories. and oh yes, proper posture is essential. my back is killing me. having never needed to wear a bra before, i feel like i've embarked on a strange new relationship with my body. that and the need to feed leon at least every 3 hours or else i have to pump just to get some relief. hopefully my milk supply and leon's feeding schedule will eventually reach a happy medium.

i sleep 2-3 hours at a time, but after the first two nights, i don't mind so much. it's amazing how quickly i've adapted to nighttime nursing. leon doesn't cry too often, although yesterday he whined all day long because he was tired and cranky from the previous day's activities (pediatrician and postpartum support group). i've learned my lesson. leon is staying home and napping until he's a little bit older. yesterday was super hard. i thought i could start working on my dissertation again this week, but dealing with a cranky inconsolable newborn set me straight. he's usually very alert and accommodating, but yesterday he discovered the power of crying and fussing. i don't think i left his side for more than 20 minutes.

we're still fond of him, even at his crankiest.

chunky express

leon left the hospital at 6lbs, 4oz. he was diagnosed with mild jaundice, and the pediatrician told me to supplement his feeding with pumped breastmilk or formula. she said it so casually, without even asking me if i had any concerns about introducing a bottle so early on. i was incensed. she told us to buy an electric pump (expensive!) but that it wouldn't be covered by our insurance since it wasn't 'medically necessary.' i used a hand pump, but leon wasn't interested in the bottle. the next day we returned to the pediatrician. he had gained 4oz. in one day. she was shocked when i told her that it was all from nursing. she then said, 'well, in that case, you don't need to pump.' and that was it. i felt so annoyed because agreeing to use a bottle was a big deal for me. i'm just happy that my boy is gaining weight. we've been having some latching issues, but it's getting better, and clearly he hasn't had any problems getting the nutrition he needs. he's still tiny, but i've no doubt he's going to be a roly-poly in no time.

the contraction master

this is genius.

last post for a while....

the skirt that saved my pregnancy

marimekko top
rebecca taylor cardigan
a.p.c. skirt
m.p. wool tights

this a.p.c. skirt is pretty much the only thing i can wear without throwing a hissy fit. remember those paige maternity jeans that i 'had' to have? well, they're still too big on me. at 35 weeks with 2 weeks til i'm full-term (and 2-6 weeks until the kicker makes his appearance), it is unlikely that i'm going to 'grow' into them any time soon.

but the skirt? the skirt is amazing. the best thing about it is that i'll be able to wear it next winter, too. i might make an emergency run to jcrew to pick up a few extra long tanktops in the next week or so, but otherwise, i'm all set.

midwife appointment update for anyone who's interested:
he's measuring exactly right and is head down (although flailing his little rump from side to side).
'where's the head?' one midwife asked.
'it's down here.....Deep.' the other one replied as she dug her hands into my lower abdomen.
'oh yes, now i can feel it.'
'where? where?' i asked as i tried to feel for his head. alas, i couldn't find a thing.

i'm also obsessed with this site about fetal positioning. it has completely changed the way i sit while at the computer.

glucose screening test alternatives

for all of you planning on becoming pregnant, i just wanted to mention that you should ask your midwife or doctor if you can substitute the sugary day-glo orange drink with jelly beans. i ate 28 jelly belly beans within 5 minutes, 45 minutes before my blood test, and felt just fine afterward.

two reasons for the jelly bean alternative:
1. some women apparently have bad reactions to the orange drink (nausea, sugar crash, etc). this might be because they drank it on an empty stomach. i recommend protein-rich food beforehand like eggs rather than carbs or sugars.
2. although eating that many jelly beans in 5 minutes requires a lot of will power (my jaw started to hurt after 3 minutes of chewing), this is so much more fun than drinking something that looks like it could glow in the dark.

Update:
apparently my score suggests hypoglycemia. that means i have low blood sugar. i just checked some of the symptoms, because i love doing that:

• hunger (yep)
  
• shakiness
  
• nervousness (yep)
  
• sweating
• dizziness or light-headedness (yep)
  
• sleepiness (yep)
  
• confusion
• difficulty speaking
• anxiety (yep)
  
• weakness (yep)
  
• crying out or having nightmares (yep)
  
• finding pajamas or sheets damp from perspiration
• feeling tired, irritable, or confused after waking up (yep)

the best thing about lists of symptoms is that they're often so general that a hypochondriac like me can have a field day with them.

moral of the story: eat smaller quantities more frequently.

weight

top: week 10
bottom: week 25


weight gain is a super tricky issue during pregnancy. it's like you're either gaining too much or too little, never the 'right' amount. every pregnancy is different, and just because you gain more or less than the recommended amount doesn't mean you're going to have a larger or smaller baby.

i've gained 6 pounds so far, but my recommended minimum weight gain is 14 pounds by 25 weeks. even though people often remark on how 'small' i am, i feel like i'm exactly the right size for me. as someone who still jogs 2-3 times a week, bicycles to school, and does yoga every few nights, it isn't surprising that my metabolism has kept up with my body's new demands. contrary to popular belief, you only need to add 300 calories a day beginning in the second trimester. i do this (more or less) by eating more yogurt, cheese, tofu, and fruit shakes. i have no food cravings, although i've been eating more meat lately. matthew has also been trying to wean me off white flour breads.

weight is one of those unavoidable issues. it's hard not to compare weight gain or belly size, but ultimately, your body knows what it's doing. when i'm hungry, i eat (easier said than done when you're nauseated for 4 months). in general, my life hasn't changed very much. i've always indulged in a brownie or two because 1) it makes me happy, 2) i'm fairly active, 3) i don't let it become a daily habit.

sure, there are days when i feel annoyed because it's so difficult to dress myself now that the weather is getting colder. i am not your poster child for pregnancy. the nausea, skin problems, hair loss, back pain, and mood swings aren't exactly endearing. but the things that i thought would really bother me, like weight gain or stretch marks, haven't really been an issue. one thing i've learned is to stop believing i know what's going on with my life. i've surprised myself in so many ways since june. and for a control-freak who micromanages everything, that's a good thing.