Monday, December 21, 2009

on teeth

leon loves his little haba blocks, which stephanie gave him. he particularly enjoys putting them in his mouth. the other day i thought to myself, hmm, it's rarely a good idea to run/crawl with something in your mouth. maybe it's because i knocked out my front tooth when i was 10, but you won't find me walking about with a lollipop, spoon, or anything else in my mouth. i'm very protective about my remaining teeth.

this thought of keeping small, hard gummable objects away from leon came and went that day. after all, he loves playing with them.

today while i was uploading videos onto the computer, leon played at my feet. he had a small block in his mouth and was crawling around like a little puppy, which i find to be very endearing. all of a sudden he falls flat on his face. or mouth, rather.

accustomed to all sorts of bumps and falls, i calmly kneel down and pick him up. he's bawling, bright red, tears flowing. i check him over.

blood--coming out of his mouth. i panic, my heart racing, flashbacks of rollerskating and knocking out my tooth, root and all. with every passing second, i'm ever more certain that he's knocked out his front teeth, all four of them. i rush him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out, trying to slow the bleeding with cold water so i can see what's going on in there. i call matthew, screaming, 'there's been an accident, mouth bloody, teeth gone, blood everywhere, what do i do?!?'

my upstairs neighbor, who has a three-year old, hears the hullabaloo through the lightwell and knocks on the door, offering help. we get things sorted out, ice cubes wrapped in cloth and placed on leon's mouth, and then the crying picks up again. she leaves so i can nurse him. i cautiously pry open his mouth, dark visions clouding my eyes.

all teeth are there. nightmares of leon spending the next 8-10 years without his top teeth vanish. i swear on all things good in the world that i will never do computer stuff while watching leon. distracted parenting doesn't really work, especially when your 10 month old has inherited your clumsiness. i know i can't prevent every single little accident or bad thing, but that doesn't lessen the blind hope with which i hold him close, attempting to keep them at bay a little longer.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

leon, standing.

maybe it was new york city, but leon started standing on his own for a few seconds at a time. sometimes he's holding onto something and then lets go. more excitingly, sometimes he slowly stands up from a crouching position.

he also can climb onto the couch. scary times for my poor books.

as for me, the heart palpitations are gone (more or less), and my heart checked out just fine. unfortunately, the inevitable finally happened and my front tooth died after nearly 20 years post-rollerskating accident. it really is true. even as these babies thrive, the parents (especially mama) take such a beating. still working on the sleep thing. last night was awful (wakings every 30-90 minutes). i don't have the heart to let him cry. he's too knowing already.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

talking, almost.

mamma? from erica kim on Vimeo.

i won't refrain from mentioning how annoying i must sound to leon. mamma? mamma? mamma? mamma? mamma? he probably thinks i'm crazy, which explains why his bib is more interesting than having a 'conversation' with me.

Monday, November 30, 2009

still working on baby proofing

tee by imps and elfs
hammer pants by nico nico (both from stels)

tiny metal spoon? check.

plastic tube and foam pieces? check.

the riverboat velour romper belonged to me first

extension cord? check.

up to no good, as usual. i can't wait to see what else he throws my way come toddlerhood.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

9 months

9 months check-up
29 inches
19 lbs, 9 oz.

loves yogurt, rice and lentils--not so much.
still fights naps and bedtime, wakes up for an hour during the night to crawl and fight sleep, sometimes sleeps a 3 hour stretch between 6 and 11 pm.

i, on the other hand, am a wreck. heart palpitations, fatigue, muscle pain...blood work on monday and an appointment to set up a holter heart monitor. hopefully it's just a thyroid condition or anemia, not anything directly related to the heart. apparently 1 out of 20 women develop hyper/hypo thyroidism in the postpartum period. at any rate, i spend my days dreading those little heart flips and worrying that i should have signed up for life insurance.

leon is trying his best to keep me entertained.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

sleep...on letting go

top by atsuyo et akiko
wool pants by lucysplace

we've been sleeping on the floor for nearly two months now. my back is killing me, but this is nothing new. leon still wakes up every 1-2 hours to nurse. he still hogs half of the mattress. i don't have it in me to do things differently. three weeks ago he slept a 4 hour stretch. i suspect it had something to do with being ill with the swine flu. rats.

but, he's actually turning out to be a happy happy baby. he chuckles and snorfles and tosses his head back laughing. his daytime naps are starting to settle into a pattern. usually 2 hours in the morning, 1-2 hours in the afternoon. he loves eating his jar food, and his crying jags are less frequent. he doesn't mind the car seat, in fact he falls asleep without too much of a peep. this is a huge change from early october. he is also getting better at being with the cats. he rakes their fur gently and only pulls once in awhile. he also yelps whenever he sees them. i wish i could record all these sounds and movements but whenever i turn on the camera, he stops what he's doing to crawl over and pull up on my leg.

it's taken me a long time, nearly 9 months, but i can now honestly say that i enjoy his company.

sweater, my brother's from 1977
padded overalls, jacadi
knee socks by nix (the only ones that stay up)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

baby food, flying, and sucuumbing to pretty gadgets

1. flying with baby food
apparently it's ok to bring jars of baby food onto the plane. however, the TSA will probably use its fancy machinery to test the food. the sealed jars were given a quick exterior swabbing, which was then placed in a machine. for what? i have no idea. they also did a pH type test on the vapors of the opened jar of food. i was given a pat-down. oddly enough, neither matthew nor leon were subjected to similar treatment.

2. 5 teeth coming in all at once and baby-led weaning
i freaked out a few months ago when leon bit off a chunk of apple and gagged for longer than i would like. i wouldn't call it textbook 'choking', but it scared me half to death. now that there are more teeth, and i've gotten used to the gagging (thank you, tamiflu!), i think it's time to try more finger foods.

3. the expensive gadget dilemma
sure, i guess i could do everything without a $150 beaba babycook, but knowing my cooking-resistant ways, i probably wouldn't. just the thought of buying a steamer and using up all those pots and spoons and colanders (and washing them) makes me tired. there's a reason why i prefer one-pot recipes. so, i have a $50 gift card to williams sonoma, and am considering buying the beaba soon. as matthew pointed out, it wouldn't really save me much money in the long run. but it steams! purees! reheats! but will i use it? will i regret it?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

crawling, standing, walking, running

leon has figured out how to fall on his behind, which has saved me a lot of worry.

the skin on his knees is no longer soft.

sometimes when he pulls up to stand he lets go with both hands.

when he stands up, he turns around and gestures with one hand so that someone will help him walk around the apartment.

sometimes he'll break into a gleeful sprint, especially if you pretend to tickle him.

Friday, October 30, 2009

swine flu, pt. 4

leon is pretty much all better. my mom, however, is not. she has respiratory issues, so she went on Tamiflu as soon as she got a fever. my dad and i have had GI issues, along with really awful fatigue, but otherwise, no real flu symptoms.

i can't tell if i actually had the flu virus or whether it was psychosomatic. i'll get the vaccine once we return to cambridge mid-november.

as for that Tamiflu--

the tutti-frutti flavor must taste something awful because leon makes the hugest face. the first 3 doses were really hard to give him. he screamed, wailed, fat tears rolling down his cheek. i now have to hide the bottle and syringe because just looking at them makes him purse his lips.

the only way to feed him is by spoon. and even this can be a 10 minute process as my mom or dad attempts to distract and amuse him so that that little mouth will open just a crack.

i'm just glad that he's doing better, and that i didn't really get sick. i'm not taking my chances and will get the vaccine. who knows how long this flu season will last and whether it will become more vicious in the winter. i've definitely turned into a paranoid hypochondriac, though. i should stop googling 'asymptomatic H1N1 symptoms,' 'chest pain,' and 'death.' sometimes the internet is not a good thing.

8 months

leon is nearly walking.

phew. i need to take a breather just thinking about it.

he pulls up to stand on pretty much everything, now. he's a fearless baby. if you don't help him walk, he'll start yelling at you. often he'll let go of your hands, turn to face outward, and start walking. if you don't follow along, more scolding from leon.

the slithering has definitely switched to proper crawling in the past three weeks. most of the time he's so anxious to get wherever it is he want to go that he will crawl with one foot flat on the ground. this guy is in a hurry.

lots of talking, babbling, communicating, too. where did my little baby go?

highlights of the past 8 months that i miss:
marionette dancing while on his back
sitting quietly in the bathtub
blowing raspberries

sleep is slowly improving. leon now will sleep a 2.5 hour chunk.

breastfeeding continues. lots of snacking every 2-3 hours during the day, and then guzzling from 6 to midnight. he also eats 3 meals a day. i wanted to try baby led weaning, but he nearly choked on a bit of apple that he managed to bite off with his tiny barely-there bottom teeth.

when he laughs (this happens all the time now), you can see those teeth nubbins. they're adorable, just as adorable as his gummy smile.

leon had his first hair-trim this week. his bangs kept getting in his eyes, so i snipped them. i didn't do a great job because i was afraid of cutting him. i hope they grow out ok. i really do want to grow his hair out, but my parents scolded me.

lots of scolding nowadays, plenty to go around. leon refuses to stay put while i change his diaper. the prefolds are really difficult to use. we may have to move on to pocket diapers or AIOs. i use the imse vimse flushable liner since he now eats food. you can wash the re-use them if it's only pee, because otherwise they're quite expensive.

i am still pining after the bugaboo cameleon. i don't know what's wrong with me, but every time i see one, my heart twinges. i wish i had just gone with my gut instinct and bought one in the first place, even though we have two strollers for half the price of a cameleon. the only way i can justify buying one now is by definitely having a second baby in the next 3-4 years. phew.

Monday, October 26, 2009

swine flu, pt. 3

so leon was prescribed Tamiflu even though he hasn't had a fever for more than 24 hours and it's been more than the 48 hours recommended since the onset of symptoms. i called his pediatrician for a second opinion, and they suggested we give him the anti-viral medication. if he starts vomiting--a side effect--we should stop.

but the main concern right now is whether he'll develop a secondary bacterial infection, which Tamiflu won't prevent at this point. apparently one-third of the infant/small child deaths have been from this, not from H1N1. so a new fever of 101 or higher means another trip to the doctors.

also, the virus remains active in his nasal secretions for up to one week after the fever has subsided. so that means there's a good chance we'll get infected with the flu. the vaccine still isn't available here, so we're going to have to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

swine flu, pt. 2

leon's test came back POSITIVE. he doesn't have a fever, just nasal congestion as usual. he's playing with my wallet and having a grand time.

we're all going in to be tested this afternoon. i didn't feel too great on saturday, and i don't feel like i can't take super deep breaths, but hardly what you'd call 'labored breathing'. but that could just be a byproduct of my hypochondria. we'll see.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

swine flu, pt. 1

i noticed leon was a touch warm on friday morning. by the time we returned home, i checked his temperature. 102.8. he had also been dealing with a runny nose for the past week and a half (clear mucous). my mom called a pediatrician's office, and they suggested we drop by. i wasn't too worried because leon was playful and active as always. he was, however, napping more often that day, which is definitely out of the ordinary. i gave him 0.8 ml of tylenol and packed him in the car.

at the doctor's office, they checked his temperature along with other things. 99.6. the pediatrician then came into the room. the first thing out of her mouth was--there have been a lot of cases of swine flu with a high fever. my mom looked terrified. she asked whether a small fall two days ago had contributed to leon's fever. she also wondered whether he should be taking pedialyte for hydration. the pediatrician said no, which i could have told her without having to go to a doctor's office.

at this point, leon wasn't doing too bad except for his runny nose, sneezing, a low to medium fever, and a bit of coughing. all signs were pointing to a cold. the pediatrician, however, decided to bulldoze us into agreeing to two flu tests. one was in-house and would tell us whether or not he had influenza. the second, which had to be sent to a lab, would be more accurate and would determine whether he has H1N1. she said that of course the lab test would be more expensive, around $400, and would take 2-3 days. if the in-house test was positive, then the lab test would surely be positive. but if it were negative, there would still be a chance of a positive lab result. i didn't quite follow this logic, but i'm not a doctor or a logician.

i then asked what the point of a lab test would be if we needed to administer Tamiflu within 48 hours of symptoms. she said, well, we could still treat him, but yes, Tamiflu is more effective sooner rather than later. of course all i could think was, if he has swine flu, his condition is going to deteriorate before the 2-3 days are up.

my mom frowned and decided we should go ahead with both tests. i was more skeptical, but i also knew that leon's health insurance would cover everything except the $10 copay. i did, however, feel bad about contributing to the 'needless testing' that encumbers our health care system.

anyway, after two days of tylenol and many frustrating naps and sleepless nights, leon is doing much better. we're all going in next week for the H1N1 vaccine--if it's still available in our area. i'm not anti-vaccine, but i can't help but feel nervous. i'm not a fan of giving leon more shots than he needs, especially since he tends to have a bad reaction to them.

pt. 2--the vaccine and how it went.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

a tooth!

hat by bieq
wool pants by lucy's place

my parents were here recently and noticed that a bottom tooth is sprouting. considering all the trouble we've had with sleeping, i'm thankful that leon hasn't exhibited any of the classic teething symptoms.

on a side note, we are so excited for fall, especially because leon has inherited my special talent for hat-wearing.

Friday, October 2, 2009

a new kind of sleep

knit one-piece from egg by susan lazar (size 3-6 months)

so we gave up. we laid two twin-size foam mattresses on the floor of the small bedroom. i nurse him down every time he wakes up, but only after first trying to pat him back to sleep. it works 1 out of 10 times.

a typical day/night looks like this.
6 am-wake up, play with matthew, take a bath
8 am-nap with me in bed
9.30-10 am-wake up
noon-nap no. 2, alone
1 pm-wake up, go to the park or grocery store
3 pm-nap no. 3, alone
3.30-4 pm-wake up
5 pm-dinner
5.30 pm-bathtime
6 pm-bedtime with nursing
6.30-nursing 2-3 min.
7.30-pat-down to sleep
8.30-nursing 2-3 min.
11 pm-nursing, matthew and i join leon in bed
12.30 am-diaper change, nursing
3 am-nursing
5 am-nursing
6 am-motoring around the room, ready for fun

it isn't ideal, but it isn't terrible. sometimes he wakes up only 5 times, but that's rare. i'd like to think that because there's consistency in our response, he sleeps better. honestly, he could probably go an extra 30-40 min. late at night except i always creep in to check on him. the thing with him not sleeping long stretches is that when he does, i freak out and think that something's wrong. the longest he can go awake before having a meltdown is 2.5 hours, so frequent naps are the rule in this house.

and now for something not sleep related:
he sits, he crawls/slithers (at an astonishing speed), he pulls himself up on the couch and tries to stand while on his hands and knees (they're like push-ups)...he eats solids twice a day...and he 'talks'.

words include:
uh ma, uh ma (sounds pretty much like 'mother' in korean)
mem, mem, mem (i used to say this to him all the time as code for nursing)

and various sounds that can't be easily transcribed. i am delighted by my increasingly vocal baby. now if only we could get him to chunk up more. he's always motoring around the house, no wonder he burns all those calories off. it's no secret, i want more baby chub to kiss and squeeze.

Monday, September 28, 2009

sleep "training". day 3. we give up

4.00--freak out in the car (overtired)
4.25--nap attempt in crib, failed.
5.45--book, lullaby, nursing
6.15--falls asleep in crib (rocking, lullaby)
7.20--awake, crawling, crying
7.45--refuses to be put back in the crib.
8.00--banshee wailing. i'm on the verge of losing it, thankfully matthew is in the room to make sure nothing bad happens.
8.05--i decide it's time to cry it out. i.e., i can't take it any more (did i mention SEVEN months of this?). we sit in the living room and watch the clock.
8.15--i tell matthew to check on leon to make sure he hasn't thrown up
8.16--i peek in and see him holding leon. what happened to crying it out??
8.30--leon is in my arms, drifting off to sleep and then jerking awake to scream periodically.
8.45--i put him in the crib so i can go into the living room for a second. i'm losing it again.
8.46--we go back into the room to see leon standing up in the crib. yes, he can pull himself up to the standing position. yes, he's only just 7 months old.
8.47--leon is fully awake and smiling contentedly in my arms. we decide to put two foam mattresses on the floor in the little bedroom (7'x10' with noisy lightwell and 'walk-in' closet) because it's already pretty much child-proofed (and extremely warm in the winter). the huge bedroom is going to be our office/luxurious guest bedroom.
9.10--the details have been ironed out. leon and i climb into bed after several foam mattress pads have been placed strategically on the floor in case he starts crawling.
9.20--he's done with nursing and is laying on his side, facing me, eyes wide open, perfectly still. this is really creepy.
9.40--finally asleep. i roll off the bed and hightail it to the freezer for a sweet red bean popsicle. matthew says it's a good thing that leon was staring at me quietly. this means he's tired and knows he needs to sleep but doesn't need to cry to fall asleep. well, better that than having an alien-demon-possessed baby, i guess.

the fact that we were giving in earlier with each consecutive night wasn't a good sign. my mental state is in the danger zone, leon behaves as if we've abandoned him, and matthew can't figure out what exactly i want to do. what a mess.

i'm ok with the new plan, even though i feel like a total flake. i told matthew i hope leon doesn't turn out like every pet i've owned. i'm terrible with consistency, especially when it comes to disciplining doe-eyed tiny creatures. my dog was completely wild, and the cats---well, you know how cats can be. mine are willful and bad-mannered, but of course i blame myself.

i hope we can move to a bigger place where i can have a large empty bedroom with a california king coco-fiber mattress on an extremely low platform bed, with tatami mats for leon to roll onto. now if only we could figure out a way to keep the night nursing to a minimum so he doesn't require a diaper change....

Sunday, September 27, 2009

sleep "training". day 2.

6.55--bedtime routine (book, nursing, rocking)
7.20--asleep in crib
7.55--crying and crawling
8.10--asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--awake and crawling
10.05--asleep in crib (rocking, nursing)
10.10--crying (matthew goes in as the relief. i then relieve him)
10.30--asleep in crib (rocking)
10.35--screaming (matthew goes in)
10.55--game over. leon goes into bed with us.
11.00--asleep in bed (nursing)
12.45--asleep (diaper change, nursing)
4.05--asleep (nursing)
5.10--asleep (nursing)

this time instead of trying to let him settle himself (ie. scream and flail in the crib for 1-2 minutes), i rock leon until he is deeply asleep and then very slowly lower him into the crib. i then rub his back while carefully extracting my other hand. lots of 'shhh, sleepy time, shhh, it's ok, go to sleep...'.

exchanging one crutch for another? perhaps. but if he could stay in a sleepy state during these rocking sessions, he would fall asleep more quickly. i'm surprised at how quickly he's replaced the suck-to-sleep association with sleeping in my arms. maybe this is progress.

but then matthew tries to rock leon, and within ten minutes, he is fully alert. we decide to bring him into bed. he immediately snuggles up close to me and falls asleep.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

sleep "training". day 1.

6.15--bedtime wrangling
7.10--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking*)
7.40--wakes up crying**
8.10--falls asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--wakes up crying
9.40--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking, shushing)
9.55--asleep in crib (rocking)
11.20--asleep in crib (rocking)
12.50--asleep in bed (nursing, diaper change)
4.05--asleep in bed (nursing)
5.35--asleep in bed (nursing)

* rocking entails holding him in my arms while bouncing in the poang chair, slowly standing up and swaying him while next to the crib and then finally rocking gently as i lower him into the crib while on my tiptoes so i can keep my chest close to his. the crib was lowered because my 7 month old can pull himself up.

** crying is an understatement. more like wailing, shrieking, back-arching, kicking, fist-flailing, red in the face, tears streaming down, misery.

after leon was brought into the bed last night, he slept really well. unfortunately, i woke up at 7 am to find him crawling over me. he was seconds from plunging to the ground. i've spent the past 3 weeks a nervous wreck, always checking him at night and during naps. it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep at night, and i rarely sleep deeply because of the extreme anxiety. plus, i'm sick with a cold, and i have a conference paper to complete in the next few days.

the crying was really really tough. in general, he cries frequently day and night, so that wasn't new to me. but trying to get him to fall asleep in the crib and seeing his little fists reach up for me while tears streamed down his face. so so sad. i could only do it for a minute at a time, not because i wanted him to cry it out, but because i was frantically rubbing his back, telling him it would be ok, hoping he would miraculous fall asleep. that didn't happen. my emotions ranged from sadness to frustration, and finally anger. at points during the evening, i wished that he had never been born. at other times, i would cry because i knew he was suffering (withdrawal) and i didn't want to be an enabler anymore.

aside from his propensity to crawl/fall off the bed without warning, the main reason why i'm trying to get leon accustomed to the crib is because nursing in bed hasn't been working for the past 2 weeks. he nurses so frequently that his diaper becomes full. this makes him uncomfortable, therefore it's difficult to fall back asleep. a diaper change really upsets him. it's a vicious cycle. he also cries at night, which is probably connected to the diaper issue. so my goal is to nurse him less frequently, maybe 2-3 times at night. it is impossible to stop nursing him as long as we're sharing a bed. the smell of milk and accessibility are huge obstacles. plus, i would rather he got most of his food during the day, which hasn't been the case for the past month.

honestly, i would have thrown the mattress on the floor, put up pillows in front of every hard object in the room, and nursed him to sleep for the next year if that's what worked for us. but the wet diaper and lack of interest in nursing during the day have made me reconsider my approach. i also want matthew to be able to help out more with bedtime. a reliance on nursing makes this difficult.

this obviously isn't a 'no cry sleep solution,' but i knew from the beginning that there would be crying. i'm trying to keep it at a minimum, but i would like leon to learn different ways to fall asleep. we're going to be traveling quite a bit in the next few months, so relying on one method is not a good idea. i love him to pieces, more than i can ever verbalize, so listening him to cry and toss his head from side to side as he chases sleep is very hard to watch. i don't think he's 'manipulating' me or that rocking him to sleep and maintaining night-feeds is going to turn him into a maladjusted unpleasant 3 year old. i just want him to sleep better and for longer periods so that he is well rested and happier rather than hyperactive and incredibly cranky.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

dressing for winter

i am sorely tempted to dress leon in Lana Wool from head to toe. he is very naughty and refuses to keep his adorable knit hats on, so maybe this balaclava is the answer. if i have to spend another winter here, i might as well dress him as warmly as possible.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

baby proofing

snuggle wool blanket (not a sheepskin!)

thank you. we're doing better, although leon had a meltdown on the way home from a very early dinner (5.30-6.30). i had to skip his bedtime routine (solid food, book, bath, music) because he was losing it. i'm pretty sure he didn't mind skipping right to the main event, though.

so now that he's mobile and on the verge of crawling properly--i give him two weeks--we've started clearing out the living room so it's leon-friendly. last weekend i packed up 6 boxes of books and matthew put three bookcases along with our coffee table in storage. we have two bookshelves that we lined along one wall to partially block the radiator. i've been looking at montessori-inspired blogs for ideas, and the main thing i decided to do was create interesting spaces for leon to play. these cubbyholes are perfect for storing toys in baskets or displaying his favorite picture cards (the eames' house of cards). right now he loves visiting each 'station' and pulling out the toys. sometimes we sit together and he goes through a basket, which i find to be inexplicably charming.

i'm going to order a few wooden toys to place on top of the cubbyholes to entice leon to pull himself up. these by little sapling toys would be perfect.

i'm trying hard to resist buying too many toys, but sometimes i just can't say no. for instance, these wooden puzzles with peg handles would be perfect for leon to practice his pincer grasp.

the living room transformation




many more books to pack before we move next year. not to mention the few hundred novels that are at my parents' place. someday when we're settled i'd like to be reunited with them. thank goodness for the postal service's media mail rate.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

bad mother

on the advice of many, i attempted to leave leon to settle himself. over six months of sleepless nights and overly wakeful days has taken a toll on us. the fact that i am the only person who can get him to fall asleep (via nursing in bed) has made it difficult to share the work of parenting.

so i nursed him, snuggled with him for 15 minutes in his side-car crib, nursed him again, patted him on his back until he closed his eyes. and then i crept away. the crying began immediately. a loud, angry, jagged cry. i kept the door cracked open so i could watch him. he passed his lovey from one hand to the other, his cries continuing. i looked at the clock. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. the cries intensify. 4 minutes. i go into the kitchen for a glass of water. when i return, he is crawling from his crib across the mattress and toward the pillow barricades. the cries are moving from protesting to truly hysterical. 5 minutes. i decide to go in.

he's face down in vomit, the bed is covered in a mixture of sweet potatoes and milk. i feel sick and angry with myself. i pick him up, take off his clothes, yank the sheet and mattress cover off. in the bathroom, i gently wash his face off and look for new sheets. when i put him in the crib so i can put the new sheet on, he begins wailing inconsolably. i pat him, pick him up, put him back down. the sobbing starts as soon as i detach myself from him. it's as if he believes i'm going to abandon him again.

not all babies cry so much that they vomit. i didn't realize it could escalate so quickly. i figured babies who throw up from crying it out are the ones left alone for 30-60 minutes or more--which i refuse to do. but 5 minutes? i feel like a terrible person.

not to mention he fell off our low bed this morning--hence the new barricades. i was napping with him for over 2 hours when i decided to make a quick bathroom run. in the 30 seconds that i was gone, he managed to wake up, roll 4 times and onto the floor. THUNK. and then wailing. he's fine. i've been watching him like a hawk, and so far so good.

but still. i am at the end of my rope. nearly 7 months of sleep issues, an intense temperament, and an inability to do my own work (which really needs to be done if i want a job come august). i give up. it'll sort itself out eventually. i'm tired of trying to make it happen before he's ready. the only thing that matters is that he gets quality sleep. even if that means nursing him til he falls asleep, napping beside him, and putting our mattresses on the ground.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

away he goes

wool pants by tuss from enfant terrible

things are moving so quickly now. in just 5 days, leon has gone from rolling to crawling/dragging himself across the foam mat and onto the hardwood floor. trying my best to slow things down once in awhile so i can hold him close and breathe in his curls.