the kid

at what point is my child no longer a toddler? the first time they place baby brother on my chest? the first time my newly postpartum self tried to carry him and the weight was too much? the first time he cuddled in my lap and there still didn't seem to be enough room? leon and i have been sharing a bed since the night before elias was born. we have had emotional fights and absurdist arguments. in many ways the past three weeks haven't been about my relationship with elias -- or even matthew. the past three years have centered on my sweet boy. how do we find room for everyone on this metaphorical bed? recovery has been slower than i would like. all that calm and patience evaporated when i started pushing elias out. j have become even more impatient since then. maybe it's because elias is gaining weight and growing more quickly than leon did at this stage (7lbs 10oz at birth, 8lbs 14oz at 19 days), maybe it's because leon seems enormous to me, all kid no toddler, but i feel like i need to hurry to catch up with my boys. *why can't i upload photos from my phone when posting on the darn thing?*