brothers

 

elias and leon at about 10 weeks.

they both have such bright eyes, but whereas leon's gaze is so intense and sharp, elias' is relaxed and welcoming. i have been dealing with so many conflicting emotions since elias's birth, i wish i had time to write them down. some days i feel wistful because things are so much easier one-on-one with elias. the coos and babbling, the healthy weight gain, the long stretches of sleep at night....i feel like a first time parent, these are all new things to me.

the kid

at what point is my child no longer a toddler? the first time they place baby brother on my chest? the first time my newly postpartum self tried to carry him and the weight was too much? the first time he cuddled in my lap and there still didn't seem to be enough room? leon and i have been sharing a bed since the night before elias was born. we have had emotional fights and absurdist arguments. in many ways the past three weeks haven't been about my relationship with elias -- or even matthew. the past three years have centered on my sweet boy. how do we find room for everyone on this metaphorical bed? recovery has been slower than i would like. all that calm and patience evaporated when i started pushing elias out. j have become even more impatient since then. maybe it's because elias is gaining weight and growing more quickly than leon did at this stage (7lbs 10oz at birth, 8lbs 14oz at 19 days), maybe it's because leon seems enormous to me, all kid no toddler, but i feel like i need to hurry to catch up with my boys. *why can't i upload photos from my phone when posting on the darn thing?*

36 weeks...scattered thoughts about loneliness, fear, and keeping busy

scenes from the past four months...

this baby is coming sooner rather than later. four weeks if he's on schedule like leon. less if any of these cramps and lower back pains indicate anything. yesterday i was at a store deciding whether or not to buy infant sized babylegs. i visualized the scrawny legs, mottled skin, and tiny toes and decided against the legwarmers. they would be too big for the first few weeks if this boy is as skinny as leon was. 6 lbs and 11 oz at birth, 6 lbs 5oz when we left the hospital. i've been looking at birth announcements at babycenter's march 2012 birth club and there are 35-36 weekers who are as big as leon was at 39w5d. in spite of my weight gain (nearly twice as much as the first time), i don't think this baby is going to be much bigger than leon.

so i keep bouncing on the balance ball while at the office. i take walks to the bathroom or kitchen every 30 minutes because short walks are the only thing that alleviates the pain. i wonder about leon at preschool, lonely and alone. he was so sad at his school birthday party, mainly because seeing us during the middle of the day made him want to go home. i miss my group of women and men in cambridge. we held each other up, listened to grievances when our partners were tired of listening, and kept an eye out for each other's littles. if only we could live communally. pre-school has been a major transition for everyone, even the ones who didn't move far away. i thought leon would make new friends and weekend playdates would be scheduled. but the loneliness of the past summer seems to have taken root these past 8 months and we just can't seem to shake it.

and then i worry about a home birth. i worry about last minute emergencies and have to remind myself that the midwives are much better integrated into health care here in toronto. they will not hesitate to call an ambulance or transfer if necessary. they will not participate in a homebirth before 37 weeks. these things reassure me, but at the same time, i do not feel ideologically bound to a homebirth. i do not imagine a 'perfect' birth experience. health and safety are paramount, but i do feel that in a normal (second) pregnancy the comfort and security experienced by the mother has a major impact on labor and delivery.

thinking back on leon's birth, i can't decide if the hospital setting made me feel secure enough to endure two long hard hours of pushing or whether going to the hospital during transition slowed down the pushing and made it worse than it would have been at home. there are so many variables, and of course this labor and delivery will be different. and that's where fear enters.

i focus on visualizing the baby in all his squirmy newborn sweetness but am distracted by my shadowy self. fear of death, of unnecessary complications at home or at the hospital. not having my support system in place has compounded the loneliness. keeping busy at work is the only thing standing between me and that shadow. so i work on my lectures, write a final exam, and grade assignments. i think about my article-in-progress and am grateful for the heavy work load.