many changes afoot

on top of the pregnancy (almost nausea free at 16 weeks), we decided to add toilet and sleep training because there's nothing like an extra dose of chaos to keep us on our toes.

the diaper-free movement was precipitated by our sense that leon was ready. plus, it seems like all of the toddlers here in toronto are diaper-free by the time they're two or two and a half. in general it's been going well, but we haven't been completely consistent about keeping him diaperless during the weekends, mornings, and evenings. if he's wearing underwear, there are accidents, but when i just put babylegs on (he complains of the cold), we're 100% successful with pee. i'm hoping the poop will sort itself out eventually. he wears pull-ups at preschool, and apparently he's been using the potty most of the time. he's gotten to the point where he definitely tries to hold it until he's offered the potty, but i don't think he actively seeks it out. this morning he complained that he had peed a lot and that his diaper was squishy and heavy.

the more exciting development has been on the sleep front. since mid may leon has been sleeping with matthew exclusively. i just couldn't take it anymore because i was nursing all night, sick with a horrible cold, and two days shy of defending my dissertation. ever since, it's been great (for me). leon would wake up more infrequently, often only once a night, and everyone seemed to be happier. and then we moved to toronto. matthew moved back to cambridge to work for a month. leon and i went to california for a month. i went to southern new mexico to visit a friend for two nights. and suddenly leon was completely weaned at 30 months. hooray!

but then we came back to toronto in september and moved AGAIN in october to a larger, quieter, and cleaner apartment that was closer to pre-school and work. in the past two weeks leon's sleep deteriorated rapidly. he would wake up and scream and beg to go to mama. he and matthew would argue and bargain for an hour at a time. we were all cranky, me especially. after over 2 years of sleep deprivation, i had absolutely no tolerance for a regression. i understood that leon was dealing with a lot of traumatic changes, but i just couldn't take it anymore. so i asked a friend for her sleep-training advice, and we decided to take another stab at cry it out.

now, we've tried gradual sleep training before, but every time we would hit a wall. but somehow this time leon was ready, and so were we.

on the first night, matthew read leon a few books and then told him that he loved him and that it was time for bed. he turned off the light and left. we had reinstalled the baby gate so we could keep the door open. leon screamed and cried and begged. after two minutes, matthew went back in, said the same thing, and left. four minutes, same thing. eight minutes, and then sixteen minutes. at this point leon threw up. we went in and cleaned it up without saying anything. thirty two minutes passed, and suddenly silence. matthew went in after twenty minutes and saw that leon had burrowed under the duvet. he uncovered him and left. at 5 am leon woke up and shouted that he was ALL DONE. i decided to let him come into bed with me, and we slept for two more hours.

on the second night, leon began to voice his anxieties an hour before bedtime. he was clearly dreading the moment of being left alone. he kept talking about how sad he was because he was all alone. when matthew left him, he cried for 10 seconds and then was silent for a few minutes before demanding that we say
Night Night. after two minutes, matthew went in and said his lines. twenty minutes later leon began shouting and yelling. five minutes later he shouted that we needed to change his diaper because he had pooped. i questioned this for a second before going in. he had indeed pooped. we changed it quickly without a word. after that, silence. again leon had covered his head with the duvet. i was concerned because it was synthetic and unbreathable, so we switched it with a cotton quilt. apparently it makes him feel better to have his head covered. leon slept until 4.50 am, at which point i let him sleep with me.

last night, leon went to sleep without a sound. i checked him after 10 minutes and uncovered his face. he slept until 2 am, shouted briefly, and then was quiet. at 4.40 am he awoke and declared he was all done. matthew went into his room and slept with him for an hour. then leon decided to come into my bed and sleep for 40 more minutes.

so far, so good. i really do believe that as much as we try to dictate our children's development (or at least there's this pressure to follow a timeline), unless they're ready for a change, it's difficult to do so. in some ways it's harder to let a highly verbal toddler cry alone because the things they say are heartbreaking. but when we tried to let him cry at six, and again at eleven months, the vomiting and crying were too much to take. i suspect that weaning played a huge role in our growing independence from each other. being pregnant and worrying about the next round of sleep deprivation was a major incentive, too. in the end i don't regret letting the process drag on for this long, even if it meant we appeared wildly inconsistent and undisciplined to most people. it's like a loose tooth that needs to be wiggled, prodded, and tested until the right moment comes along when you're ready to shut your eyes and give it a good and final yank. in our case, it took nearly 32 months to finally hold hands and take the plunge together.

one step forward, three steps back

or, we'll get there eventually.

what was i saying about weaning and sleeping through the night? well, life has been pretty unsettled for the past three months, and it shows in leon's behavior. matthew ended up going back to cambridge to work for 5 weeks, leaving me alone with leon for a week before my mom arrived to help out.

so we're still nursing in the middle of the night once every four to five nights. that said, he rarely asks during the day, which is such a relief! and things are improving somewhat with sleep. he's now able to go into his room and fall asleep during the day when my mom is there. but he always insists on me laying down with him. i've noticed he's always clingier with me, but then again, i'm the same way with my own mom. 

things are so inconsistent with his night hours, though. sometimes he'll sleep 8 hours straight, but most nights he'll wake at least once. last night he woke up at 2 am and insisted on nursing. he then proceeded to wake up every hour and nurse. just like old times....instead of fighting it or becoming angry, i've started to accept that going along with whatever it is he needs once in awhile isn't going to set us back indefinitely. having a few nights of sleep under my belt has definitely improved my feelings about sleep and nursing. it was hard to not be emotional and angry about things when i was waking up every 2 hours.

anyway, we're off to southern california for three weeks starting on the 16th, which i'm really excited about. i'm also going to new mexico for three days, which will be the longest i've spent away from leon. it's about time--he'll be two and half this month!

for the record

last night was the first  time leon slept through the night. he was also alone in his bed. 9 pm -- 5.30 am. oh, and i have not nursed him through the night, 11 days and counting.

27 months, but we're almost there.

coming full circle

all the things leon used to do, he's doing again. crying for over an hour nonstop. crying until he vomits. napping for less than an hour (in the car, in the stroller, in the bed, doesn't matter). it's like trench warfare, and we've lost ground again on sleep training. he demands 'mommy' at 10 or 11 pm instead of 2 or 3 am. he screams and vomits...i come and nurse him. he doesn't nurse during the day unless he's upset. he nurses continuously from when i go in at night until morning.

twice in the past week he's fallen asleep in my lap while nursing--at 6 pm. this is a boy who has insisted on falling asleep between 8 and 9 pm for the past 6 months, and never before 7.30 since he was 4 months old. the early bedtime (no dinner, no bath), plus the less than 1 hour nap (in the car, which was fool proof for nearly 11 months), and i'm about to fall apart. it's as if the small gains we made in the past 6 months make the setbacks that much harder to take.

my love is stretched thin. leon is a toddler. he's stubborn. he pushes against me, unable to articulate fully enough. his motor skills aren't good enough to use chopsticks or pull on his shoes. he's not quite ready for the toilet, but he's fed up with diapers, fed up with being carted around, pushed and prodded and dressed and undressed like he's a doll. i would be fed up, too. we're working on the motor skills, working on the steps to independence. he cuts his own cheese with a butter knife. i'm going to set up a water station as soon as i can figure out where to put it. i'm trying so hard, but i'm stretched thin. my love is stretched thin, and it makes me afraid. 

sleep training, one month later

so proud that he can pet turtle without mauling her.
19 months

just born

1 day old

1 week

1 month

2 months (at his plumpest. look at those thighs!)

6 months

10 months

1 year

1.5 years

at what point does the baby-ness go away entirely? leon has always been on the skinny side, which i think has made him look less babyish than most. his bright expressive face and constant activity also make him seem older than he is. he's still my dumpling, my first born and much adored baby, but i can't deny that he's been looking quite grown-up for a long while now.

sleep training and the natural weaning process that comes with my work schedule and longer stretches of sleep only reinforce this sense of time passing. plus he now says so many words including bye, mine, no, bird, straw, ball, balloon, truck, dig, draw, and more. i won't deny that i would like another soon, even as i worry that he or she might be as difficult in the sleep/feeding/activity department(s).

the sleep has been so hard. it has made me feel like a bad person. the overtiredness that becomes my new normal, that causes me to snap or have a meltdown seemingly out of the blue. the inability to focus on work. i've learned the importance of time-outs for myself. i still have to count to ten at least once a day in order to refocus. with these baby steps of sleep-training, i thought i would become more relaxed about minor set-backs. instead i've found them to be more daunting than when i was in the trenches. just catching a glimpse of a more normal sleep situation has made the set-backs hard to handle.

after nearly two weeks of leon falling asleep somewhat easily during both nap and bedtime, he finally figured out the new regime. suddenly 'book' and 'draw' were uttered in plaintive tones (which nearly melt my heart). 'night, night?' was now answered by a swift 'no, no!' and vigorous head shaking. my 1.5 year old was figuring out how to stall. bedtime has been taken over by matthew, who reads leon a few books and pats him to sleep. naps, however, have become semi-hellish for us both. 40-50 minutes of screaming, writhing, kicking and hitting. the rage that i used to feel whenever i attempted to sleep-train him has come flooding back. counting to 10, deep breaths....of course he goes down fairly quickly for naps when his two babysitters are with him (2 days a week). they rock him and sing songs until he falls asleep. when i try this, he glares stonily back at me. just like the old days, but with a bit more maturity on both our parts. he understands the routine but doesn't want to comply. i now know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so i persevere.

sleep training, final attempt. day two.

7.30 am / good morning
11.10 am / asleep in stroller, which is dragged up to the second floor and placed next to a fan
12 pm / awake/falls asleep on his own in stroller
12.50 pm / awake
8.10 pm / nurse/five books/plays with trains
8.25 pm / bedtime/shhh night night/loveys/2 short cries
8.40 pm / asleep

to be continued....

notes.
i used to read that you're supposed to put your baby to bed sleepy but not asleep. i didn't understand what this looked like until now. as a newborn, leon would nurse til almost asleep, and then we would bounce him for 10 minutes, lay him on his back with our hand on his chest, and wait 20 minutes. during the day he would play, kick vigorously, smile, and then a split second later, scream, freaking out. i would rush to nurse him, and he would inevitably fall asleep at the breast. by the time he was 3 months old, i was nursing him to sleep in bed. at 6 months, i attempted to sleep train him. i would nurse him for a while and then rock him until asleep. once placed in the crib, he would start flailing and screaming. at this point he began vomiting from crying so much.

every time we tried to sleep train him, we failed. i tried the no cry sleep solution and manage to break the suck to sleep association after several weeks. but i could never get leon to stop nursing at night. we tried dr. jay gordon's method, but even after he started falling asleep without nursing, he never slept for more than a 2 hour stretch before needing us to help settle him again. so i gave up and went back to nursing him to sleep. unfortunately the 2 hour stretch became routine even with night nursing.

and now, i can't even believe how smoothly it has been going. he's visibly tired when i nurse him. i tell him 'night night' and he crawls into the bed and lays his head on the pillow (which he started doing 3 weeks ago). i place his two loveys next to him, and he touches them. i say 'shh, night night,' and he closes his eyes, shakes his head, and tosses from side to side a few times.

this is what normal should look like.

it all seems so easy, i now understand how crazy i must have seemed to everyone else who successfuly sleep-trained a baby at 6, 10, or even 12 months. this is just a theory, but i believe that not all babies are ready to fall asleep on their own until they've reached the developmental stage that is right for them. for leon, i think being more verbal is what helps. he now understands 'night night' and my promises to stay with him until he's asleep, and my repeated declarations of how much i love him.

it all seems so easy now, but it was not easy getting to this point. i am still following the dr. jay gordon method, but for some reason, everything is falling into place now. i don't think i'm doing anything different this time, i just think that leon is more mature, more equipped to handle sleep on his own. we'll see how it goes.

sleep training, final attempt. day one.

a sleep log for my own records.

6.30 am / good morning
12.30 pm / nurse
12.35 pm / shrieking/patting/offering of loveys
12.55 pm / asleep
1.40 pm / awake/shrieking/patting
2.25 pm / cuddling/asleep
3.15 pm / loud sirens/awake
7.40 pm / bath
8.00 pm / 2 books/nurse...leon is visibly sleepy
8.15 pm / lights out/a promising start with no crying
8.20 pm / crying/offering of loveys/cuddling with hands on chest and cheek
8.45 pm / asleep
11.10 pm / awake/crying/patting/cuddling
11.35 pm /matthew takes over
12.20 am / asleep
5.30 am / awake/nurse/asleep
7.30 am / nurse/good morning

notes:
the patting and cuddling worked until the first night waking. i think the desire for milk was so strong that he couldn't handle my immediate presence. i let matthew take over, and i slept on a mat on the floor. matthew slept on the bed with leon. this 5 hour stretch was the longest he's slept since he was about 3 months old.

16 month update

leon doesn't wear too much clothing nowadays. one of the beautiful things about being a baby is that it's ok to not wear pants.

he had his 15 month check-up (at 16 months), and we learned that he remains firmly in the 75th percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight. since he still refuses to drink whole milk--he still nurses 6-10 times per 24 hour cycle--i've been trying to sneak in food through other means. for instance, his favorite dish is a beef soboro bowl with fried egg and a few chopped up veggies added surreptitiously. sometimes he'll eat whole milk greek yogurt with honey and granola, but food continues to be a struggle. he has also been indifferent to his sippy cup, so i've started filling it with coconut water instead of less delicious regular water.

as for sleep, it's still less than reasonable. he has yet to sleep more than 3.5 hours without waking. on the upside, leon will take a 2-3 hour nap (this includes wakings and nursing), so i am now able to get a little work done during the day (along with making lunch, starting dinner, cleaning out the cat litter, etc.). he goes down at 8.30 or 9 pm (trying to move the bedtime earlier), and then wakes around 11.30 to nurse. usually i give in and go to bed at this time. if i don't, i can do a little more work or read a novel until about 1.30 am. at this point i throw in the towel for good and join him for bed. between 1.30 and 7.30, he usually nurses 3-4 times for less than 2 minutes each. i still have to switch sides or drag him back from the edge of the mattress, so i do wake up to some extent.

a lot of people have asked me if i'm planning on weaning leon. they seem to think it'll help with his sleep. i'm afraid of the vomiting and screaming. in the past month, he's thrown up 3 times because i refused to go in and comfort him before 11.30 pm. sometimes i get really frustrated and feel like i'd rather not have anything to do with being his parent. i guess sleep deprivation and watching him from 9 am until 7 pm has really taken a toll on me. i need a break, but it doesn't look like i'll have the funds for another babysitter until september. until then, i need to finish a draft of the dissertation and hold down the fort.

things that make me happy include leon's spontaneous displays of affection. i love that he really interacts with his books and is finally swaying to music and trying to sing. i know that he's been busy with physical activities, but life is more bearable when he's able to interact with me in a meaningful way. the sleep and food issues will pass. the tantrums are becoming more challenging, too. all in all, leon has a remarkably laid-back temperament when he isn't being intense, needy, or demanding. i guess you could say that he takes after me. another way of putting it is that i have the temperament of a toddler.

almost 15 months (the longest month ever)

my baby is no longer a baby. maybe it's because he's only in the 5th percentile for weight, but he doesn't have any baby fat left. i forget how young he is, especially because he's so mobile. but then i see him doing the same things as a 2 year old, how small he is compared to them, and i remember he's not even 15 months.

i feel like leon has been 14 months for ages. he was the crankiest person for two days, cried out in pain for a night, and then two molars magically appeared. i'm used to the sleepless nights now, so i didn't mind the teething too much. plus, he now has this habit of yelling when he wakes up to nurse (4-6 times between midnight and 7 am). i think he picked up the yelling from me. i'm working on it.

food is still a struggle. i know i'm not supposed to worry because he's growing and thriving, but i still get angry when he throws everything on the ground or worse, he spits it out and wipes his hands ("dirty"). everything is a phase, so there's little predictability. right now leon will eat blackberries and strawberries, earth's best chicken nuggets, and the occasional freeze-dried yogurt bite. sometimes i can sneak in an iron-fortified graham cracker after a few hours of playground time.

speaking of playgrounds, i now spend 6-7 hours at the playground every day, even on days when a babysitter watches him for 3 hours. we're letting her go after the 20th, which means i have to fend for myself again. little by little i'm trying to write at night and during his 1 hour nap (usually taken in a stroller parked at a busy roadside park).

writing is hard, especially when you've been sitting in the sun for 3 hours at a time, no bathroom in sight. my hands are brown and my feet are sporting a saltwaters sandal tan. leon's hands are also brown. i slather on the sunscreen and fight mightily to keep his hat on him, but there's only so much i can do.

writing is also hard when you have an upset stomach every couple of weeks. i don't know if it's stress or something more serious, but i've had major stomach problems once a month for the past three months. most days i feel nauseated, tired, irritable. i'll have to get it checked out soon, but the nurse will probably tell me that it's psychological.

i don't know how i manage to get through these days. the condo isn't selling, and there are several good reasons why i don't think it will any time soon. honestly, i'm relieved that we no longer have showings or open houses.

this is a tired post, a tired update. the days are good, but they're long and hard. maybe that's why month fourteen has felt interminably long. my leon is no longer a baby. some days i feel like he's barely a toddler, even. he's picking up sign language so quickly now. his desire to communicate has accelerated unexpectedly. just two weeks ago he finally started clapping. i've been beaming like the parent of a 9 month old.

at my worst, usually when he's asleep (a semi-reliable 4 hours stretch 7.30-11.30pm), i stare at photos of leon smiling and being silly, and i try to ignore my wretched stomach and everything else stressing me out. even as i brace myself for another sleepless night, i look forward to being next to him. lately he's taken to holding my hand as he falls asleep after the 5th dream feed of the night.

a second mother's day came and went.

sleep at 14 months

(last two photos taken by leon while i wasn't looking)

sometimes we let him cry, sometimes we don't. it depends on the cry and the number of yawns that intersperse the cries. but in general, our schedule looks like this:
8pm
i crawl into his toddler bed (the gulliver crib converted), nurse him for a few minutes, and then lay next to him until he falls asleep.
12am
i nurse him again
3am
more insistent cries mean that nursing to sleep won't work. i take him onto the futon on the ground and we fall asleep.
4am
nurse
5am
nurse
6am
nurse
7am
good morning.


i've tried letting him cry at 3 am, but that has only led to hourly wakings. i'm too exhausted to go back and forth between rooms.


his morning nap usually happens around 11am, in the stroller. for some reason he has been fighting the bed for the past two weeks. the weather is nice, so we walk and walk.


the afternoon nap is on the way out. sometimes it happens at 3, but usually he pushes it back to 4 or even 5. this one happens either in the stroller or on a drive.


he nurses twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon. and nights are an open bar, per usual.


am i tired? yes. do i function? more or less.


we have a part-time babysitter (9 hours a week, m-w). i dash off to starbucks, which is the nearest coffee shop, and write as much as i can for 2.5 hours. usually i can produce 2-3 pages of something. the babysitter has made all the difference in the world. i resent leon less during our time together because i have those 9 hours reserved for work. it was so hard staying focused on him when half of me was fretting about my stalled dissertation. it's slowly starting back up again, but i know that i'm going to have force myself to work at nights. until now i've refused to do this because of sleep deprivation and leon's inability to sit still. things are getting better. he loves the playground and can spend an hour sitting in the sandbox by himself. i've managed to edit a few pages with one eye on him.

it's taken a long time, but it's getting better. his phone conversations are getting more and more hilarious, and i don't know whether to laugh or cry when he throws a tantrum. that lower lip gets me every time.

10.5 months

snow drifts

poor billy

caught mid-sentence

finally figured out the pacifier, sort of.

our charlie brown tree

hector helping with the wrapping paper

leon is quite the busy baby. every day i'm convinced he's going to start walking, but i think he's taking his time after pulling up to stand at 6.5 months and standing on his own at 9.5 months.

although he doesn't really say specific words, leon carries on conversations with me, matthew, and the cats. sometimes he scolds us, other times he chatters, and more often than not he collapses in a hysteric fit of giggles. mama the pack leader is working non-stop now. if i say 'no,' he pauses, retracts the hand, and proceeds to argue with me. when i say 'no' again, he looks at me, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth, waiting to see if i'll smile back. if my stern face relaxes just a tiny bit, that sly little hand stretches out again. sigh. my mom was right when she told me i would have my hands full disciplining him.

we started a new 'sleep training' program 5 days before christmas because that's how we like to spend our holidays. for 3 nights it was awful. i would nurse him in bed from 7pm until 11ish, and then refuse to nurse until at least 5am. i still co-sleep, which means i have to figure out other ways to soothe him such as rocking, patting, and shushing. the first night he protest-cried for 2 hours, slept for 1, and then cried again for an hour before falling asleep for 2 more hours. the second night he cried for 1 hour, slept for 2, repeat. by the fourth night, he was not only sleeping 2.5-3 hours between 7 and 11, he also was going right back to sleep between 11 and 5.

it was going well until day 8. ever since then, he goes back to sleep quickly after a few pats, except between 3 and 4. during this hour, he cries a little, lurches about the bed, often knocking his head against my face (ouch), and then flops down across my chest. as soon as i remove him, the whole cycle starts again. sometimes i remain calm and stoic, other times i tell him how much i dislike him.

progress, even at a snail's pace, is good enough for me. i'm relieved that he doesn't cry from distress or fear, only out of indignation. it's also reassuring to know that he can fall asleep relatively easily without nursing. we decided to do this partly because we hope he'll sleep better and for longer periods by nursing less frequently at night. i also wanted him to not rely on night milkfeeds because it was altering my day supply for the worse. leon now nurses more often during the day, every 2-3 hours instead of every 4-5, so i don't have to worry as much about dehydration (he's terrible with the sippy cup and regular cup).

it's also a relief to not obsess about sleep even while working to adjust his sleep patterns. even though he's still high-energy during the day, i don't fret about it as much because i'm feeling ok about the sleep issue. although he doesn't clap, he now hits objects together, which is almost the same thing i suppose. he's obsessed with putting things into containers. ever since he started playing with his montessori box, he spends most of his time trying to put objects into baskets, cups, anything. leon is also getting steady enough that he can bob up and down to music while standing, and he's becoming quite adept at crawling onto and off from the couch.

climbing off of the couch from erica kim on Vimeo.

my favorite new leon thing is his propensity to share. just a few weeks ago he began offering things for us to bite, usually right after he's had a good nibble on them. he can also pet the cats without yanking their fur, and he loves giving them (and us) bear hugs. as gratifying as that first smile was, i'm even more enamoured with leon's affectionate overtures.

sleep...on letting go

top by atsuyo et akiko
wool pants by lucysplace

we've been sleeping on the floor for nearly two months now. my back is killing me, but this is nothing new. leon still wakes up every 1-2 hours to nurse. he still hogs half of the mattress. i don't have it in me to do things differently. three weeks ago he slept a 4 hour stretch. i suspect it had something to do with being ill with the swine flu. rats.

but, he's actually turning out to be a happy happy baby. he chuckles and snorfles and tosses his head back laughing. his daytime naps are starting to settle into a pattern. usually 2 hours in the morning, 1-2 hours in the afternoon. he loves eating his jar food, and his crying jags are less frequent. he doesn't mind the car seat, in fact he falls asleep without too much of a peep. this is a huge change from early october. he is also getting better at being with the cats. he rakes their fur gently and only pulls once in awhile. he also yelps whenever he sees them. i wish i could record all these sounds and movements but whenever i turn on the camera, he stops what he's doing to crawl over and pull up on my leg.

it's taken me a long time, nearly 9 months, but i can now honestly say that i enjoy his company.

sweater, my brother's from 1977
padded overalls, jacadi
knee socks by nix (the only ones that stay up)

a new kind of sleep

knit one-piece from egg by susan lazar (size 3-6 months)

so we gave up. we laid two twin-size foam mattresses on the floor of the small bedroom. i nurse him down every time he wakes up, but only after first trying to pat him back to sleep. it works 1 out of 10 times.

a typical day/night looks like this.
6 am-wake up, play with matthew, take a bath
8 am-nap with me in bed
9.30-10 am-wake up
noon-nap no. 2, alone
1 pm-wake up, go to the park or grocery store
3 pm-nap no. 3, alone
3.30-4 pm-wake up
5 pm-dinner
5.30 pm-bathtime
6 pm-bedtime with nursing
6.30-nursing 2-3 min.
7.30-pat-down to sleep
8.30-nursing 2-3 min.
11 pm-nursing, matthew and i join leon in bed
12.30 am-diaper change, nursing
3 am-nursing
5 am-nursing
6 am-motoring around the room, ready for fun

it isn't ideal, but it isn't terrible. sometimes he wakes up only 5 times, but that's rare. i'd like to think that because there's consistency in our response, he sleeps better. honestly, he could probably go an extra 30-40 min. late at night except i always creep in to check on him. the thing with him not sleeping long stretches is that when he does, i freak out and think that something's wrong. the longest he can go awake before having a meltdown is 2.5 hours, so frequent naps are the rule in this house.

and now for something not sleep related:
he sits, he crawls/slithers (at an astonishing speed), he pulls himself up on the couch and tries to stand while on his hands and knees (they're like push-ups)...he eats solids twice a day...and he 'talks'.

words include:
uh ma, uh ma (sounds pretty much like 'mother' in korean)
mem, mem, mem (i used to say this to him all the time as code for nursing)

and various sounds that can't be easily transcribed. i am delighted by my increasingly vocal baby. now if only we could get him to chunk up more. he's always motoring around the house, no wonder he burns all those calories off. it's no secret, i want more baby chub to kiss and squeeze.

sleep "training". day 3. we give up

4.00--freak out in the car (overtired)
4.25--nap attempt in crib, failed.
5.00--dinner
5.20--bath
5.45--book, lullaby, nursing
6.15--falls asleep in crib (rocking, lullaby)
7.20--awake, crawling, crying
7.45--refuses to be put back in the crib.
8.00--banshee wailing. i'm on the verge of losing it, thankfully matthew is in the room to make sure nothing bad happens.
8.05--i decide it's time to cry it out. i.e., i can't take it any more (did i mention SEVEN months of this?). we sit in the living room and watch the clock.
8.15--i tell matthew to check on leon to make sure he hasn't thrown up
8.16--i peek in and see him holding leon. what happened to crying it out??
8.30--leon is in my arms, drifting off to sleep and then jerking awake to scream periodically.
8.45--i put him in the crib so i can go into the living room for a second. i'm losing it again.
8.46--we go back into the room to see leon standing up in the crib. yes, he can pull himself up to the standing position. yes, he's only just 7 months old.
8.47--leon is fully awake and smiling contentedly in my arms. we decide to put two foam mattresses on the floor in the little bedroom (7'x10' with noisy lightwell and 'walk-in' closet) because it's already pretty much child-proofed (and extremely warm in the winter). the huge bedroom is going to be our office/luxurious guest bedroom.
9.10--the details have been ironed out. leon and i climb into bed after several foam mattress pads have been placed strategically on the floor in case he starts crawling.
9.20--he's done with nursing and is laying on his side, facing me, eyes wide open, perfectly still. this is really creepy.
9.40--finally asleep. i roll off the bed and hightail it to the freezer for a sweet red bean popsicle. matthew says it's a good thing that leon was staring at me quietly. this means he's tired and knows he needs to sleep but doesn't need to cry to fall asleep. well, better that than having an alien-demon-possessed baby, i guess.


notes:
the fact that we were giving in earlier with each consecutive night wasn't a good sign. my mental state is in the danger zone, leon behaves as if we've abandoned him, and matthew can't figure out what exactly i want to do. what a mess.

i'm ok with the new plan, even though i feel like a total flake. i told matthew i hope leon doesn't turn out like every pet i've owned. i'm terrible with consistency, especially when it comes to disciplining doe-eyed tiny creatures. my dog was completely wild, and the cats---well, you know how cats can be. mine are willful and bad-mannered, but of course i blame myself.

i hope we can move to a bigger place where i can have a large empty bedroom with a california king coco-fiber mattress on an extremely low platform bed, with tatami mats for leon to roll onto. now if only we could figure out a way to keep the night nursing to a minimum so he doesn't require a diaper change....

sleep "training". day 2.

5.30--dinner
6.30--bath
6.55--bedtime routine (book, nursing, rocking)
7.20--asleep in crib
7.55--crying and crawling
8.10--asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--awake and crawling
10.05--asleep in crib (rocking, nursing)
10.10--crying (matthew goes in as the relief. i then relieve him)
10.30--asleep in crib (rocking)
10.35--screaming (matthew goes in)
10.55--game over. leon goes into bed with us.
11.00--asleep in bed (nursing)
12.30--crying
12.45--asleep (diaper change, nursing)
4.00--crying
4.05--asleep (nursing)
5.00--crying
5.10--asleep (nursing)
6.00--awake

notes:
this time instead of trying to let him settle himself (ie. scream and flail in the crib for 1-2 minutes), i rock leon until he is deeply asleep and then very slowly lower him into the crib. i then rub his back while carefully extracting my other hand. lots of 'shhh, sleepy time, shhh, it's ok, go to sleep...'.

exchanging one crutch for another? perhaps. but if he could stay in a sleepy state during these rocking sessions, he would fall asleep more quickly. i'm surprised at how quickly he's replaced the suck-to-sleep association with sleeping in my arms. maybe this is progress.

but then matthew tries to rock leon, and within ten minutes, he is fully alert. we decide to bring him into bed. he immediately snuggles up close to me and falls asleep.

sleep "training". day 1.

5.30--dinner
6.00--bath
6.15--bedtime wrangling
7.10--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking*)
7.40--wakes up crying**
8.10--falls asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--wakes up crying
9.40--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking, shushing)
9.45--crying
9.55--asleep in crib (rocking)
11.00--crying
11.20--asleep in crib (rocking)
12.15--crying
12.50--asleep in bed (nursing, diaper change)
4.00--crying
4.05--asleep in bed (nursing)
5.30--crying
5.35--asleep in bed (nursing)
7.00--awake

* rocking entails holding him in my arms while bouncing in the poang chair, slowly standing up and swaying him while next to the crib and then finally rocking gently as i lower him into the crib while on my tiptoes so i can keep my chest close to his. the crib was lowered because my 7 month old can pull himself up.

** crying is an understatement. more like wailing, shrieking, back-arching, kicking, fist-flailing, red in the face, tears streaming down, misery.

notes:
after leon was brought into the bed last night, he slept really well. unfortunately, i woke up at 7 am to find him crawling over me. he was seconds from plunging to the ground. i've spent the past 3 weeks a nervous wreck, always checking him at night and during naps. it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep at night, and i rarely sleep deeply because of the extreme anxiety. plus, i'm sick with a cold, and i have a conference paper to complete in the next few days.

the crying was really really tough. in general, he cries frequently day and night, so that wasn't new to me. but trying to get him to fall asleep in the crib and seeing his little fists reach up for me while tears streamed down his face. so so sad. i could only do it for a minute at a time, not because i wanted him to cry it out, but because i was frantically rubbing his back, telling him it would be ok, hoping he would miraculous fall asleep. that didn't happen. my emotions ranged from sadness to frustration, and finally anger. at points during the evening, i wished that he had never been born. at other times, i would cry because i knew he was suffering (withdrawal) and i didn't want to be an enabler anymore.

aside from his propensity to crawl/fall off the bed without warning, the main reason why i'm trying to get leon accustomed to the crib is because nursing in bed hasn't been working for the past 2 weeks. he nurses so frequently that his diaper becomes full. this makes him uncomfortable, therefore it's difficult to fall back asleep. a diaper change really upsets him. it's a vicious cycle. he also cries at night, which is probably connected to the diaper issue. so my goal is to nurse him less frequently, maybe 2-3 times at night. it is impossible to stop nursing him as long as we're sharing a bed. the smell of milk and accessibility are huge obstacles. plus, i would rather he got most of his food during the day, which hasn't been the case for the past month.

honestly, i would have thrown the mattress on the floor, put up pillows in front of every hard object in the room, and nursed him to sleep for the next year if that's what worked for us. but the wet diaper and lack of interest in nursing during the day have made me reconsider my approach. i also want matthew to be able to help out more with bedtime. a reliance on nursing makes this difficult.

this obviously isn't a 'no cry sleep solution,' but i knew from the beginning that there would be crying. i'm trying to keep it at a minimum, but i would like leon to learn different ways to fall asleep. we're going to be traveling quite a bit in the next few months, so relying on one method is not a good idea. i love him to pieces, more than i can ever verbalize, so listening him to cry and toss his head from side to side as he chases sleep is very hard to watch. i don't think he's 'manipulating' me or that rocking him to sleep and maintaining night-feeds is going to turn him into a maladjusted unpleasant 3 year old. i just want him to sleep better and for longer periods so that he is well rested and happier rather than hyperactive and incredibly cranky.

bad mother

on the advice of many, i attempted to leave leon to settle himself. over six months of sleepless nights and overly wakeful days has taken a toll on us. the fact that i am the only person who can get him to fall asleep (via nursing in bed) has made it difficult to share the work of parenting.

so i nursed him, snuggled with him for 15 minutes in his side-car crib, nursed him again, patted him on his back until he closed his eyes. and then i crept away. the crying began immediately. a loud, angry, jagged cry. i kept the door cracked open so i could watch him. he passed his lovey from one hand to the other, his cries continuing. i looked at the clock. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. the cries intensify. 4 minutes. i go into the kitchen for a glass of water. when i return, he is crawling from his crib across the mattress and toward the pillow barricades. the cries are moving from protesting to truly hysterical. 5 minutes. i decide to go in.

he's face down in vomit, the bed is covered in a mixture of sweet potatoes and milk. i feel sick and angry with myself. i pick him up, take off his clothes, yank the sheet and mattress cover off. in the bathroom, i gently wash his face off and look for new sheets. when i put him in the crib so i can put the new sheet on, he begins wailing inconsolably. i pat him, pick him up, put him back down. the sobbing starts as soon as i detach myself from him. it's as if he believes i'm going to abandon him again.

not all babies cry so much that they vomit. i didn't realize it could escalate so quickly. i figured babies who throw up from crying it out are the ones left alone for 30-60 minutes or more--which i refuse to do. but 5 minutes? i feel like a terrible person.

not to mention he fell off our low bed this morning--hence the new barricades. i was napping with him for over 2 hours when i decided to make a quick bathroom run. in the 30 seconds that i was gone, he managed to wake up, roll 4 times and onto the floor. THUNK. and then wailing. he's fine. i've been watching him like a hawk, and so far so good.

but still. i am at the end of my rope. nearly 7 months of sleep issues, an intense temperament, and an inability to do my own work (which really needs to be done if i want a job come august). i give up. it'll sort itself out eventually. i'm tired of trying to make it happen before he's ready. the only thing that matters is that he gets quality sleep. even if that means nursing him til he falls asleep, napping beside him, and putting our mattresses on the ground.