brothers

 

elias and leon at about 10 weeks.

they both have such bright eyes, but whereas leon's gaze is so intense and sharp, elias' is relaxed and welcoming. i have been dealing with so many conflicting emotions since elias's birth, i wish i had time to write them down. some days i feel wistful because things are so much easier one-on-one with elias. the coos and babbling, the healthy weight gain, the long stretches of sleep at night....i feel like a first time parent, these are all new things to me.

the kid

at what point is my child no longer a toddler? the first time they place baby brother on my chest? the first time my newly postpartum self tried to carry him and the weight was too much? the first time he cuddled in my lap and there still didn't seem to be enough room? leon and i have been sharing a bed since the night before elias was born. we have had emotional fights and absurdist arguments. in many ways the past three weeks haven't been about my relationship with elias -- or even matthew. the past three years have centered on my sweet boy. how do we find room for everyone on this metaphorical bed? recovery has been slower than i would like. all that calm and patience evaporated when i started pushing elias out. j have become even more impatient since then. maybe it's because elias is gaining weight and growing more quickly than leon did at this stage (7lbs 10oz at birth, 8lbs 14oz at 19 days), maybe it's because leon seems enormous to me, all kid no toddler, but i feel like i need to hurry to catch up with my boys. *why can't i upload photos from my phone when posting on the darn thing?*

36 weeks...scattered thoughts about loneliness, fear, and keeping busy

scenes from the past four months...

this baby is coming sooner rather than later. four weeks if he's on schedule like leon. less if any of these cramps and lower back pains indicate anything. yesterday i was at a store deciding whether or not to buy infant sized babylegs. i visualized the scrawny legs, mottled skin, and tiny toes and decided against the legwarmers. they would be too big for the first few weeks if this boy is as skinny as leon was. 6 lbs and 11 oz at birth, 6 lbs 5oz when we left the hospital. i've been looking at birth announcements at babycenter's march 2012 birth club and there are 35-36 weekers who are as big as leon was at 39w5d. in spite of my weight gain (nearly twice as much as the first time), i don't think this baby is going to be much bigger than leon.

so i keep bouncing on the balance ball while at the office. i take walks to the bathroom or kitchen every 30 minutes because short walks are the only thing that alleviates the pain. i wonder about leon at preschool, lonely and alone. he was so sad at his school birthday party, mainly because seeing us during the middle of the day made him want to go home. i miss my group of women and men in cambridge. we held each other up, listened to grievances when our partners were tired of listening, and kept an eye out for each other's littles. if only we could live communally. pre-school has been a major transition for everyone, even the ones who didn't move far away. i thought leon would make new friends and weekend playdates would be scheduled. but the loneliness of the past summer seems to have taken root these past 8 months and we just can't seem to shake it.

and then i worry about a home birth. i worry about last minute emergencies and have to remind myself that the midwives are much better integrated into health care here in toronto. they will not hesitate to call an ambulance or transfer if necessary. they will not participate in a homebirth before 37 weeks. these things reassure me, but at the same time, i do not feel ideologically bound to a homebirth. i do not imagine a 'perfect' birth experience. health and safety are paramount, but i do feel that in a normal (second) pregnancy the comfort and security experienced by the mother has a major impact on labor and delivery.

thinking back on leon's birth, i can't decide if the hospital setting made me feel secure enough to endure two long hard hours of pushing or whether going to the hospital during transition slowed down the pushing and made it worse than it would have been at home. there are so many variables, and of course this labor and delivery will be different. and that's where fear enters.

i focus on visualizing the baby in all his squirmy newborn sweetness but am distracted by my shadowy self. fear of death, of unnecessary complications at home or at the hospital. not having my support system in place has compounded the loneliness. keeping busy at work is the only thing standing between me and that shadow. so i work on my lectures, write a final exam, and grade assignments. i think about my article-in-progress and am grateful for the heavy work load.

double trouble

leon's serious grown-up face

leon's naughty imp face

i was so certain that this new baby was a girl, but the 19 week ultrasound scans leave little doubt in my mind. unlike leon where i took their word for it, i'm 99.99% positive that this is another boy.

a small part of me is wistful because of my love of girl clothing, but i'm also thrilled that leon will have a brother and i won't have to buy a new wardrobe for this kid.

also, i don't know about you, but this very creepy 3-d scan makes me think this boy is going to look a lot like leon. i had no idea the technician was going to do a 3-d scan, but i'm glad she did since this will be my first and only glimpse before birth.

many changes afoot

on top of the pregnancy (almost nausea free at 16 weeks), we decided to add toilet and sleep training because there's nothing like an extra dose of chaos to keep us on our toes.

the diaper-free movement was precipitated by our sense that leon was ready. plus, it seems like all of the toddlers here in toronto are diaper-free by the time they're two or two and a half. in general it's been going well, but we haven't been completely consistent about keeping him diaperless during the weekends, mornings, and evenings. if he's wearing underwear, there are accidents, but when i just put babylegs on (he complains of the cold), we're 100% successful with pee. i'm hoping the poop will sort itself out eventually. he wears pull-ups at preschool, and apparently he's been using the potty most of the time. he's gotten to the point where he definitely tries to hold it until he's offered the potty, but i don't think he actively seeks it out. this morning he complained that he had peed a lot and that his diaper was squishy and heavy.

the more exciting development has been on the sleep front. since mid may leon has been sleeping with matthew exclusively. i just couldn't take it anymore because i was nursing all night, sick with a horrible cold, and two days shy of defending my dissertation. ever since, it's been great (for me). leon would wake up more infrequently, often only once a night, and everyone seemed to be happier. and then we moved to toronto. matthew moved back to cambridge to work for a month. leon and i went to california for a month. i went to southern new mexico to visit a friend for two nights. and suddenly leon was completely weaned at 30 months. hooray!

but then we came back to toronto in september and moved AGAIN in october to a larger, quieter, and cleaner apartment that was closer to pre-school and work. in the past two weeks leon's sleep deteriorated rapidly. he would wake up and scream and beg to go to mama. he and matthew would argue and bargain for an hour at a time. we were all cranky, me especially. after over 2 years of sleep deprivation, i had absolutely no tolerance for a regression. i understood that leon was dealing with a lot of traumatic changes, but i just couldn't take it anymore. so i asked a friend for her sleep-training advice, and we decided to take another stab at cry it out.

now, we've tried gradual sleep training before, but every time we would hit a wall. but somehow this time leon was ready, and so were we.

on the first night, matthew read leon a few books and then told him that he loved him and that it was time for bed. he turned off the light and left. we had reinstalled the baby gate so we could keep the door open. leon screamed and cried and begged. after two minutes, matthew went back in, said the same thing, and left. four minutes, same thing. eight minutes, and then sixteen minutes. at this point leon threw up. we went in and cleaned it up without saying anything. thirty two minutes passed, and suddenly silence. matthew went in after twenty minutes and saw that leon had burrowed under the duvet. he uncovered him and left. at 5 am leon woke up and shouted that he was ALL DONE. i decided to let him come into bed with me, and we slept for two more hours.

on the second night, leon began to voice his anxieties an hour before bedtime. he was clearly dreading the moment of being left alone. he kept talking about how sad he was because he was all alone. when matthew left him, he cried for 10 seconds and then was silent for a few minutes before demanding that we say
Night Night. after two minutes, matthew went in and said his lines. twenty minutes later leon began shouting and yelling. five minutes later he shouted that we needed to change his diaper because he had pooped. i questioned this for a second before going in. he had indeed pooped. we changed it quickly without a word. after that, silence. again leon had covered his head with the duvet. i was concerned because it was synthetic and unbreathable, so we switched it with a cotton quilt. apparently it makes him feel better to have his head covered. leon slept until 4.50 am, at which point i let him sleep with me.

last night, leon went to sleep without a sound. i checked him after 10 minutes and uncovered his face. he slept until 2 am, shouted briefly, and then was quiet. at 4.40 am he awoke and declared he was all done. matthew went into his room and slept with him for an hour. then leon decided to come into my bed and sleep for 40 more minutes.

so far, so good. i really do believe that as much as we try to dictate our children's development (or at least there's this pressure to follow a timeline), unless they're ready for a change, it's difficult to do so. in some ways it's harder to let a highly verbal toddler cry alone because the things they say are heartbreaking. but when we tried to let him cry at six, and again at eleven months, the vomiting and crying were too much to take. i suspect that weaning played a huge role in our growing independence from each other. being pregnant and worrying about the next round of sleep deprivation was a major incentive, too. in the end i don't regret letting the process drag on for this long, even if it meant we appeared wildly inconsistent and undisciplined to most people. it's like a loose tooth that needs to be wiggled, prodded, and tested until the right moment comes along when you're ready to shut your eyes and give it a good and final yank. in our case, it took nearly 32 months to finally hold hands and take the plunge together.

here we go again

this is a somewhat secretive post. i'm assuming there are only 4 people who actually look at this blog.

so, my radio silence has been directly related to: finishing the dissertation, moving from cambridge to toronto,  matthew going back to cambridge for a month to work, everyone heading to southern california for 3 weeks, the beginning of the semester, and oh yeah, pregnancy.

everything that was so great about the first time isn't present this time (aside from the happiness of actually being pregnant).

now v. then:
constant nausea from week 6 to week 13 v. 1 hour of the queasies at breakfast time for 3 weeks.
mind-numbing fatigue v. energy, so much energy!
insatiable hunger, especially at 3 am v. eating for two? that's ridiculous.
daily headaches v. a respite from daily headaches
everything smells and tastes bad except for junk food v. a single smell aversion

obviously having a 2.5 year old and my history of sleep deprivation doesn't make things better, but i'm in a bad place mentally these days. i ate greek yogurt drenched in honey in the middle of the night, cheese puffs and ramen as a 'snack,' and jogged once a week, if even that. prenatal yoga and pilates were usurped by a 9 am bedtime.

all of that arrogance that came with being the skinny, fit pregnant person has been flattened unceremoniously by this pregnancy. i've always had a soft spot for sweets and snacks, but my diet was tempered by exercise. this time around i've managed to both feel incredibly nauseated and famished for all things unhealthy. staying with my mom didn't help because she was constantly feeding me (mostly good things, but somehow box after box of mochi ice cream landed in my lap). and now i understand how eating can spiral out of control, how i can stop caring about what goes in my mouth because i'm too tired and fatalistic. i've always believed in hitting the ground running, which is why i was in the best shape of my life before we decided to have our first. i continued yoga and pilates, jogged 3-5 times a week until 32 weeks, and swam once a week in the winter.

and now i feel like a slug. i'm unhappy with my body, cranky about everything, and annoyed at the Canadian health care system. i'm 13 weeks and still haven't had a prenatal visit with my midwife. no bloodwork, no ultrasound, nothing.

last time around i was sad about the hair-loss during the first trimester and my terrible skin, but at least i looked and felt great in all other respects. i felt empowered throughout the pregnancy and especially during the birth. it was afterwards that i fell apart. i didn't expect such an intense newborn who never slept (and still doesn't sleep). i didn't expect to nurse for 30 months.

this time around...i felt defeated before i even found out about the new pregnancy. the pessimist in me was rewarded. with the lifting of the nausea/exhaustion fog in the past week, i'm hoping that i'll be able to get back on track. i'm also placing bets that this is a girl.

one step forward, three steps back

or, we'll get there eventually.

what was i saying about weaning and sleeping through the night? well, life has been pretty unsettled for the past three months, and it shows in leon's behavior. matthew ended up going back to cambridge to work for 5 weeks, leaving me alone with leon for a week before my mom arrived to help out.

so we're still nursing in the middle of the night once every four to five nights. that said, he rarely asks during the day, which is such a relief! and things are improving somewhat with sleep. he's now able to go into his room and fall asleep during the day when my mom is there. but he always insists on me laying down with him. i've noticed he's always clingier with me, but then again, i'm the same way with my own mom. 

things are so inconsistent with his night hours, though. sometimes he'll sleep 8 hours straight, but most nights he'll wake at least once. last night he woke up at 2 am and insisted on nursing. he then proceeded to wake up every hour and nurse. just like old times....instead of fighting it or becoming angry, i've started to accept that going along with whatever it is he needs once in awhile isn't going to set us back indefinitely. having a few nights of sleep under my belt has definitely improved my feelings about sleep and nursing. it was hard to not be emotional and angry about things when i was waking up every 2 hours.

anyway, we're off to southern california for three weeks starting on the 16th, which i'm really excited about. i'm also going to new mexico for three days, which will be the longest i've spent away from leon. it's about time--he'll be two and half this month!

for the record

last night was the first  time leon slept through the night. he was also alone in his bed. 9 pm -- 5.30 am. oh, and i have not nursed him through the night, 11 days and counting.

27 months, but we're almost there.

catching up

leon at twenty-two months.

from a word here and there to stringing along two and three words into honest to god sentences (of a sort). no-cat-up-hill ("get off the table, cat"). mine-turn-choo-choo. appah-no-come ("go away, dad"). he speaks a mish-mash of english (ninety percent) and korean (five percent). the rest is incomprehensible, a secret language that i have yet to learn. "phway" for "other side" or "that way", which is typically used when nursing and asking to switch sides. yes, still nursing. yes, still waking 2-4 times between midnight and seven a.m. no, not sure when he's going to wean. we'll re-evaluate at two years, but i suspect he'll go for as long as he wants. maybe he's actually mongolian and will nurse until he's nine!

he's impossibly beautiful. i think maybe i'm allowed to say that. and it breaks my heart to think i can't always stare at him, grab his ear and pinch it gently before kissing his cheek. hungrily. and he's too thin. he's such a picky eater--always has been--and it's amazing that i still feel insulted by his refusal to eat. the worst is when he opens his mouth for a bit and then shuts it quickly in order to bat away the food. i don't know why it bothers me so much more than the sleep issue, but it drives me irrationally mad.

i don't understand how he's growing so quickly. some days i think he would be the perfect only child. other days i'm baby hungry. i did not expect to feel these things.

one year ago

one year ago we were in orange county and leon was recovering from H1N1. it's hard to remember how small and babyish he was. but ever leon "and eternal."

the words are coming fast and everyone remarks on how verbal leon has become in the past month. he's always been opinionated, but it's amazing how a 'yes' or a 'no' can produce results that even impress him. i would love to read more about the acquisition of language because it's very clear that a) certain sounds are repeated in slightly new ways to form similar sounding words and b) he's uninterested or unable to repeat the few words and phrases i'm able to offer him in korean. although i'm literate and have decent comprehension of spoken korean, my speaking ability is wretched. not sure how to deal with this, since i would love for him to have enough fluency to be able to converse with his grandparents. my grandmother and i can barely exchange more than two sentences. when i have the time, i pore over the korean language workbooks that my mom sent me, but my accent is atrocious. the same goes for all of my languages, which makes me think i don't have an ear for the spoken word.

my favorite words:
hess (yes)
fish
no
nose
noah
whale
wheel
juice
shoes
appah
apple


and another bit from A.S. Byatt:
She thought she would never forget any of these moments, these points of development, these markers in time, and forgot all of them as the next stage seemed to be William and eternal.
--Still Life, page 242. [i feel like i could write a dissertation on motherhood in A.S. Byatt's novels. perhaps one has already been written?]

camera

thanks for all the comments, advice, and support. it appears leon is slowly settling back to his regular schedule. maybe it was a growth spurt. either way, it was scary to see how quickly things fell apart for me. i'm looking forward to the day when sleeping more than 3 hours at a time is normal rather than a special treat!

i just wanted to share a photo that was taken by a much much nicer camera (nikon slr of some sort). all i have is a canon powershot, nothing fancy. i was stunned by how beautiful this photo turned out. it made me a little wistful. i have so many blurry, grainy photos of leon as a newborn, and i wish i could go back in time and take better photos with a fancy camera.

if i were in the market for a new camera, but didn't want to spend $900, what would you recommend for an active toddler who is often photographed indoors (less than ideal lighting)? i sent this photo to my parents in a not-so-subtle attempt to convince/guilt them to buy us a new camera for christmas + my birthday. after all, they're leon's biggest fans, and who wouldn't want to plaster their fridge with crisp, high res photos of their beloved grandbaby?

coming full circle

all the things leon used to do, he's doing again. crying for over an hour nonstop. crying until he vomits. napping for less than an hour (in the car, in the stroller, in the bed, doesn't matter). it's like trench warfare, and we've lost ground again on sleep training. he demands 'mommy' at 10 or 11 pm instead of 2 or 3 am. he screams and vomits...i come and nurse him. he doesn't nurse during the day unless he's upset. he nurses continuously from when i go in at night until morning.

twice in the past week he's fallen asleep in my lap while nursing--at 6 pm. this is a boy who has insisted on falling asleep between 8 and 9 pm for the past 6 months, and never before 7.30 since he was 4 months old. the early bedtime (no dinner, no bath), plus the less than 1 hour nap (in the car, which was fool proof for nearly 11 months), and i'm about to fall apart. it's as if the small gains we made in the past 6 months make the setbacks that much harder to take.

my love is stretched thin. leon is a toddler. he's stubborn. he pushes against me, unable to articulate fully enough. his motor skills aren't good enough to use chopsticks or pull on his shoes. he's not quite ready for the toilet, but he's fed up with diapers, fed up with being carted around, pushed and prodded and dressed and undressed like he's a doll. i would be fed up, too. we're working on the motor skills, working on the steps to independence. he cuts his own cheese with a butter knife. i'm going to set up a water station as soon as i can figure out where to put it. i'm trying so hard, but i'm stretched thin. my love is stretched thin, and it makes me afraid. 

sleep training, one month later

so proud that he can pet turtle without mauling her.
19 months

just born

1 day old

1 week

1 month

2 months (at his plumpest. look at those thighs!)

6 months

10 months

1 year

1.5 years

at what point does the baby-ness go away entirely? leon has always been on the skinny side, which i think has made him look less babyish than most. his bright expressive face and constant activity also make him seem older than he is. he's still my dumpling, my first born and much adored baby, but i can't deny that he's been looking quite grown-up for a long while now.

sleep training and the natural weaning process that comes with my work schedule and longer stretches of sleep only reinforce this sense of time passing. plus he now says so many words including bye, mine, no, bird, straw, ball, balloon, truck, dig, draw, and more. i won't deny that i would like another soon, even as i worry that he or she might be as difficult in the sleep/feeding/activity department(s).

the sleep has been so hard. it has made me feel like a bad person. the overtiredness that becomes my new normal, that causes me to snap or have a meltdown seemingly out of the blue. the inability to focus on work. i've learned the importance of time-outs for myself. i still have to count to ten at least once a day in order to refocus. with these baby steps of sleep-training, i thought i would become more relaxed about minor set-backs. instead i've found them to be more daunting than when i was in the trenches. just catching a glimpse of a more normal sleep situation has made the set-backs hard to handle.

after nearly two weeks of leon falling asleep somewhat easily during both nap and bedtime, he finally figured out the new regime. suddenly 'book' and 'draw' were uttered in plaintive tones (which nearly melt my heart). 'night, night?' was now answered by a swift 'no, no!' and vigorous head shaking. my 1.5 year old was figuring out how to stall. bedtime has been taken over by matthew, who reads leon a few books and pats him to sleep. naps, however, have become semi-hellish for us both. 40-50 minutes of screaming, writhing, kicking and hitting. the rage that i used to feel whenever i attempted to sleep-train him has come flooding back. counting to 10, deep breaths....of course he goes down fairly quickly for naps when his two babysitters are with him (2 days a week). they rock him and sing songs until he falls asleep. when i try this, he glares stonily back at me. just like the old days, but with a bit more maturity on both our parts. he understands the routine but doesn't want to comply. i now know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so i persevere.

sleep training, final attempt. day two.

7.30 am / good morning
11.10 am / asleep in stroller, which is dragged up to the second floor and placed next to a fan
12 pm / awake/falls asleep on his own in stroller
12.50 pm / awake
8.10 pm / nurse/five books/plays with trains
8.25 pm / bedtime/shhh night night/loveys/2 short cries
8.40 pm / asleep

to be continued....

notes.
i used to read that you're supposed to put your baby to bed sleepy but not asleep. i didn't understand what this looked like until now. as a newborn, leon would nurse til almost asleep, and then we would bounce him for 10 minutes, lay him on his back with our hand on his chest, and wait 20 minutes. during the day he would play, kick vigorously, smile, and then a split second later, scream, freaking out. i would rush to nurse him, and he would inevitably fall asleep at the breast. by the time he was 3 months old, i was nursing him to sleep in bed. at 6 months, i attempted to sleep train him. i would nurse him for a while and then rock him until asleep. once placed in the crib, he would start flailing and screaming. at this point he began vomiting from crying so much.

every time we tried to sleep train him, we failed. i tried the no cry sleep solution and manage to break the suck to sleep association after several weeks. but i could never get leon to stop nursing at night. we tried dr. jay gordon's method, but even after he started falling asleep without nursing, he never slept for more than a 2 hour stretch before needing us to help settle him again. so i gave up and went back to nursing him to sleep. unfortunately the 2 hour stretch became routine even with night nursing.

and now, i can't even believe how smoothly it has been going. he's visibly tired when i nurse him. i tell him 'night night' and he crawls into the bed and lays his head on the pillow (which he started doing 3 weeks ago). i place his two loveys next to him, and he touches them. i say 'shh, night night,' and he closes his eyes, shakes his head, and tosses from side to side a few times.

this is what normal should look like.

it all seems so easy, i now understand how crazy i must have seemed to everyone else who successfuly sleep-trained a baby at 6, 10, or even 12 months. this is just a theory, but i believe that not all babies are ready to fall asleep on their own until they've reached the developmental stage that is right for them. for leon, i think being more verbal is what helps. he now understands 'night night' and my promises to stay with him until he's asleep, and my repeated declarations of how much i love him.

it all seems so easy now, but it was not easy getting to this point. i am still following the dr. jay gordon method, but for some reason, everything is falling into place now. i don't think i'm doing anything different this time, i just think that leon is more mature, more equipped to handle sleep on his own. we'll see how it goes.

sleep training, final attempt. day one.

a sleep log for my own records.

6.30 am / good morning
12.30 pm / nurse
12.35 pm / shrieking/patting/offering of loveys
12.55 pm / asleep
1.40 pm / awake/shrieking/patting
2.25 pm / cuddling/asleep
3.15 pm / loud sirens/awake
7.40 pm / bath
8.00 pm / 2 books/nurse...leon is visibly sleepy
8.15 pm / lights out/a promising start with no crying
8.20 pm / crying/offering of loveys/cuddling with hands on chest and cheek
8.45 pm / asleep
11.10 pm / awake/crying/patting/cuddling
11.35 pm /matthew takes over
12.20 am / asleep
5.30 am / awake/nurse/asleep
7.30 am / nurse/good morning

notes:
the patting and cuddling worked until the first night waking. i think the desire for milk was so strong that he couldn't handle my immediate presence. i let matthew take over, and i slept on a mat on the floor. matthew slept on the bed with leon. this 5 hour stretch was the longest he's slept since he was about 3 months old.

on being a mother

She bends her head to his. She smells his hair. She has no choices. She imagines suddenly a film in which a sagacious dog travelled hundreds of miles, back along the scent, or the magnetic field, which pulled from what it knew and loved. This hair she could distinguish in a room piled high with other heads. This note she would hear through all others. This person is the centre. It is not what she would have chosen but it is a fact, it is a truth stronger than other truths. It is a love so violent that it is almost its opposite.

Babel Tower, A. S. Byatt

Going back to work in two weeks. Trying to get as much writing done as possible. The two hour nap at 11.30, which was reliable for almost three months, is no longer so. Not sure how to juggle childcare, teaching, writing, applying for jobs, and surviving. Lack of sleep is going to be a problem, but I don't have the energy to sleep train (nor do I think it will work). I need help. My mother is here for a month, cooking, cleaning, watching Leon for 2 hours at a time. Sleep has deteriorated, and he is nursing constantly. This is likely because he's separated from me now. Having my mother here has made me realize just how much help I actually need. Not having friends to rely on for an hour or two of babysitting every once in awhile, not having family, not having childcare, and not having a partner who can help...I don't know how people can be full-time stay at home parents without any breaks, any assistance. And yet, 18 months later, I'm so attached, I don't know how to function without him constantly by my side. But I will have to figure something out because there is little joy in this.

Leon's words at eighteen months

appah (father in Korean)

mommy ("help" or "I want")

truck

bubbles

up

no

it's mine
ball

imps and elfs sale

imps and elfs is one of leon's favorite labels. luckily for us, stel's carries the line, and their markdowns are hard to resist.

if leon were smaller, i would snap up a few of these double layered bodysuits for autumn ($20)

the perfect jacket, wind and water resistant. i'm sorely tempted ($40)

cloth diapering so far

we started cloth diapering around 5 months, took a hiatus at 10 months for 6 weeks (leon would not tolerate long changing sessions), and have been doing 3-4 day cycles once a week since then. i have a coin-op laundry in the basement, so washing and drying not only gets expensive, but it's a pain to find quarters so frequently. i thought about doing a diaper service, but the only one available in my area provides their own diapers. i've found a combination of prefolds, pockets, and fitteds that works for me, so i wasn't interested in a predetermined selection of diapers.

my minimalist diaper 'stash' includes:
12 medium sized pre-folds from green mountain diapers
2 pockets from apple cheeks (purchased used from the diaperswapper.com)
2 medium fitteds from sustainable babyish (these run small), great for long naps.
6 pul covers (my favorite is the thirstie duo wrap because leon is so skinny)
2 wool covers, one from little beetles, the other from the defunct luxe baby.

if i could start over, i would have bought 2 more wool covers. leon has only had 2 almost-blow outs while cloth diapering (rarely with disposables, too), so the wool doesn't really get dirty. it's breathable, water-repellent, and neutralizes ammonia. i balked at the price of wool ($30-50 for nice interlock, but you can knit your own, or buy repurposed wool), but they're actually more affordable that i had thought. between the two wool covers, i can use 6 prefolds and the 2 fitteds. all you have to do is air the cover out compared with rinsing and drying the pul cover (which i'm too lazy to do). i use this tutorial to lanolize and wash my covers once every 3 weeks. i'm glad i've found a use for all that extra lansinoh left in the tube.

i may be lucky in that leon has remained a slim baby. we've been using the same prefolds and covers since he was 5 months, but he's also only 20 lbs at 17 months. maybe cloth would have been more expensive if he had had a major growth spurt. i've seen people buy 5 pocket or aio diapers at a time at my local diaper shop ($20-25 each), and although i've been tempted by the rumparooz and fuzzi bunz, saving money has been one of the main reasons that i use cloth. i've spent less than $280 on detergent, snappis, wet bags, doublers, diapers, and covers. laundry is $3 per week, and disposables are $30 per month. i'm terrible at math, but i'd like to think i've done ok so far.

one of the hard parts of cloth diapering is finding clothes that fit over the extra bulk. i can do a pretty trim diaper with a snappi'd prefold and cover, but we always size up with onesies. leon doesn't outgrow the carter's onesies as often as he does with gerber or baby gap. pants are tricky because they tend to have a low rise. which is why i was excited to see these corduroy pants on baby gap's site.

i swear by catherine's wool jersey pants. you can ask her to increase the rise to accommodate a cloth diapered bum. leon finally outgrew one pair (both purchased last october), and the other one is still loose on him. he wore them nearly every day last winter, and finally wore through the knees. i patched them up, so they're ready for another baby (if not mine, then a friend's).

16 month update

leon doesn't wear too much clothing nowadays. one of the beautiful things about being a baby is that it's ok to not wear pants.

he had his 15 month check-up (at 16 months), and we learned that he remains firmly in the 75th percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight. since he still refuses to drink whole milk--he still nurses 6-10 times per 24 hour cycle--i've been trying to sneak in food through other means. for instance, his favorite dish is a beef soboro bowl with fried egg and a few chopped up veggies added surreptitiously. sometimes he'll eat whole milk greek yogurt with honey and granola, but food continues to be a struggle. he has also been indifferent to his sippy cup, so i've started filling it with coconut water instead of less delicious regular water.

as for sleep, it's still less than reasonable. he has yet to sleep more than 3.5 hours without waking. on the upside, leon will take a 2-3 hour nap (this includes wakings and nursing), so i am now able to get a little work done during the day (along with making lunch, starting dinner, cleaning out the cat litter, etc.). he goes down at 8.30 or 9 pm (trying to move the bedtime earlier), and then wakes around 11.30 to nurse. usually i give in and go to bed at this time. if i don't, i can do a little more work or read a novel until about 1.30 am. at this point i throw in the towel for good and join him for bed. between 1.30 and 7.30, he usually nurses 3-4 times for less than 2 minutes each. i still have to switch sides or drag him back from the edge of the mattress, so i do wake up to some extent.

a lot of people have asked me if i'm planning on weaning leon. they seem to think it'll help with his sleep. i'm afraid of the vomiting and screaming. in the past month, he's thrown up 3 times because i refused to go in and comfort him before 11.30 pm. sometimes i get really frustrated and feel like i'd rather not have anything to do with being his parent. i guess sleep deprivation and watching him from 9 am until 7 pm has really taken a toll on me. i need a break, but it doesn't look like i'll have the funds for another babysitter until september. until then, i need to finish a draft of the dissertation and hold down the fort.

things that make me happy include leon's spontaneous displays of affection. i love that he really interacts with his books and is finally swaying to music and trying to sing. i know that he's been busy with physical activities, but life is more bearable when he's able to interact with me in a meaningful way. the sleep and food issues will pass. the tantrums are becoming more challenging, too. all in all, leon has a remarkably laid-back temperament when he isn't being intense, needy, or demanding. i guess you could say that he takes after me. another way of putting it is that i have the temperament of a toddler.

outfit ideas, no. 1

a romper from the 1930s for leon, at belle heir
rachel comey boat shorts for me, at frances may