future*perfect

double trouble

2011-11-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

leon's serious grown-up face

leon's naughty imp face

i was so certain that this new baby was a girl, but the 19 week ultrasound scans leave little doubt in my mind. unlike leon where i took their word for it, i'm 99.99% positive that this is another boy.

a small part of me is wistful because of my love of girl clothing, but i'm also thrilled that leon will have a brother and i won't have to buy a new wardrobe for this kid.

also, i don't know about you, but this very creepy 3-d scan makes me think this boy is going to look a lot like leon. i had no idea the technician was going to do a 3-d scan, but i'm glad she did since this will be my first and only glimpse before birth.

many changes afoot

2011-10-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

on top of the pregnancy (almost nausea free at 16 weeks), we decided to add toilet and sleep training because there's nothing like an extra dose of chaos to keep us on our toes.

the diaper-free movement was precipitated by our sense that leon was ready. plus, it seems like all of the toddlers here in toronto are diaper-free by the time they're two or two and a half. in general it's been going well, but we haven't been completely consistent about keeping him diaperless during the weekends, mornings, and evenings. if he's wearing underwear, there are accidents, but when i just put babylegs on (he complains of the cold), we're 100% successful with pee. i'm hoping the poop will sort itself out eventually. he wears pull-ups at preschool, and apparently he's been using the potty most of the time. he's gotten to the point where he definitely tries to hold it until he's offered the potty, but i don't think he actively seeks it out. this morning he complained that he had peed a lot and that his diaper was squishy and heavy.

the more exciting development has been on the sleep front. since mid may leon has been sleeping with matthew exclusively. i just couldn't take it anymore because i was nursing all night, sick with a horrible cold, and two days shy of defending my dissertation. ever since, it's been great (for me). leon would wake up more infrequently, often only once a night, and everyone seemed to be happier. and then we moved to toronto. matthew moved back to cambridge to work for a month. leon and i went to california for a month. i went to southern new mexico to visit a friend for two nights. and suddenly leon was completely weaned at 30 months. hooray!

but then we came back to toronto in september and moved AGAIN in october to a larger, quieter, and cleaner apartment that was closer to pre-school and work. in the past two weeks leon's sleep deteriorated rapidly. he would wake up and scream and beg to go to mama. he and matthew would argue and bargain for an hour at a time. we were all cranky, me especially. after over 2 years of sleep deprivation, i had absolutely no tolerance for a regression. i understood that leon was dealing with a lot of traumatic changes, but i just couldn't take it anymore. so i asked a friend for her sleep-training advice, and we decided to take another stab at cry it out.

now, we've tried gradual sleep training before, but every time we would hit a wall. but somehow this time leon was ready, and so were we.

on the first night, matthew read leon a few books and then told him that he loved him and that it was time for bed. he turned off the light and left. we had reinstalled the baby gate so we could keep the door open. leon screamed and cried and begged. after two minutes, matthew went back in, said the same thing, and left. four minutes, same thing. eight minutes, and then sixteen minutes. at this point leon threw up. we went in and cleaned it up without saying anything. thirty two minutes passed, and suddenly silence. matthew went in after twenty minutes and saw that leon had burrowed under the duvet. he uncovered him and left. at 5 am leon woke up and shouted that he was ALL DONE. i decided to let him come into bed with me, and we slept for two more hours.

on the second night, leon began to voice his anxieties an hour before bedtime. he was clearly dreading the moment of being left alone. he kept talking about how sad he was because he was all alone. when matthew left him, he cried for 10 seconds and then was silent for a few minutes before demanding that we say
Night Night. after two minutes, matthew went in and said his lines. twenty minutes later leon began shouting and yelling. five minutes later he shouted that we needed to change his diaper because he had pooped. i questioned this for a second before going in. he had indeed pooped. we changed it quickly without a word. after that, silence. again leon had covered his head with the duvet. i was concerned because it was synthetic and unbreathable, so we switched it with a cotton quilt. apparently it makes him feel better to have his head covered. leon slept until 4.50 am, at which point i let him sleep with me.

last night, leon went to sleep without a sound. i checked him after 10 minutes and uncovered his face. he slept until 2 am, shouted briefly, and then was quiet. at 4.40 am he awoke and declared he was all done. matthew went into his room and slept with him for an hour. then leon decided to come into my bed and sleep for 40 more minutes.

so far, so good. i really do believe that as much as we try to dictate our children's development (or at least there's this pressure to follow a timeline), unless they're ready for a change, it's difficult to do so. in some ways it's harder to let a highly verbal toddler cry alone because the things they say are heartbreaking. but when we tried to let him cry at six, and again at eleven months, the vomiting and crying were too much to take. i suspect that weaning played a huge role in our growing independence from each other. being pregnant and worrying about the next round of sleep deprivation was a major incentive, too. in the end i don't regret letting the process drag on for this long, even if it meant we appeared wildly inconsistent and undisciplined to most people. it's like a loose tooth that needs to be wiggled, prodded, and tested until the right moment comes along when you're ready to shut your eyes and give it a good and final yank. in our case, it took nearly 32 months to finally hold hands and take the plunge together.

here we go again

2011-09-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

this is a somewhat secretive post. i'm assuming there are only 4 people who actually look at this blog.

so, my radio silence has been directly related to: finishing the dissertation, moving from cambridge to toronto, matthew going back to cambridge for a month to work, everyone heading to southern california for 3 weeks, the beginning of the semester, and oh yeah, pregnancy.

everything that was so great about the first time isn't present this time (aside from the happiness of actually being pregnant).

now v. then:
constant nausea from week 6 to week 13 v. 1 hour of the queasies at breakfast time for 3 weeks.
mind-numbing fatigue v. energy, so much energy!
insatiable hunger, especially at 3 am v. eating for two? that's ridiculous.
daily headaches v. a respite from daily headaches
everything smells and tastes bad except for junk food v. a single smell aversion

obviously having a 2.5 year old and my history of sleep deprivation doesn't make things better, but i'm in a bad place mentally these days. i ate greek yogurt drenched in honey in the middle of the night, cheese puffs and ramen as a 'snack,' and jogged once a week, if even that. prenatal yoga and pilates were usurped by a 9 am bedtime.

all of that arrogance that came with being the skinny, fit pregnant person has been flattened unceremoniously by this pregnancy. i've always had a soft spot for sweets and snacks, but my diet was tempered by exercise. this time around i've managed to both feel incredibly nauseated and famished for all things unhealthy. staying with my mom didn't help because she was constantly feeding me (mostly good things, but somehow box after box of mochi ice cream landed in my lap). and now i understand how eating can spiral out of control, how i can stop caring about what goes in my mouth because i'm too tired and fatalistic. i've always believed in hitting the ground running, which is why i was in the best shape of my life before we decided to have our first. i continued yoga and pilates, jogged 3-5 times a week until 32 weeks, and swam once a week in the winter.

and now i feel like a slug. i'm unhappy with my body, cranky about everything, and annoyed at the Canadian health care system. i'm 13 weeks and still haven't had a prenatal visit with my midwife. no bloodwork, no ultrasound, nothing.

last time around i was sad about the hair-loss during the first trimester and my terrible skin, but at least i looked and felt great in all other respects. i felt empowered throughout the pregnancy and especially during the birth. it was afterwards that i fell apart. i didn't expect such an intense newborn who never slept (and still doesn't sleep). i didn't expect to nurse for 30 months.

this time around...i felt defeated before i even found out about the new pregnancy. the pessimist in me was rewarded. with the lifting of the nausea/exhaustion fog in the past week, i'm hoping that i'll be able to get back on track. i'm also placing bets that this is a girl.

one step forward, three steps back

2011-08-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

or, we'll get there eventually.

what was i saying about weaning and sleeping through the night? well, life has been pretty unsettled for the past three months, and it shows in leon's behavior. matthew ended up going back to cambridge to work for 5 weeks, leaving me alone with leon for a week before my mom arrived to help out.

so we're still nursing in the middle of the night once every four to five nights. that said, he rarely asks during the day, which is such a relief! and things are improving somewhat with sleep. he's now able to go into his room and fall asleep during the day when my mom is there. but he always insists on me laying down with him. i've noticed he's always clingier with me, but then again, i'm the same way with my own mom.

things are so inconsistent with his night hours, though. sometimes he'll sleep 8 hours straight, but most nights he'll wake at least once. last night he woke up at 2 am and insisted on nursing. he then proceeded to wake up every hour and nurse. just like old times....instead of fighting it or becoming angry, i've started to accept that going along with whatever it is he needs once in awhile isn't going to set us back indefinitely. having a few nights of sleep under my belt has definitely improved my feelings about sleep and nursing. it was hard to not be emotional and angry about things when i was waking up every 2 hours.

anyway, we're off to southern california for three weeks starting on the 16th, which i'm really excited about. i'm also going to new mexico for three days, which will be the longest i've spent away from leon. it's about time--he'll be two and half this month!

for the record

2011-05-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

last night was the first time leon slept through the night. he was also alone in his bed. 9 pm -- 5.30 am. oh, and i have not nursed him through the night, 11 days and counting.

27 months, but we're almost there.

catching up

2010-12-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

leon at twenty-two months.

from a word here and there to stringing along two and three words into honest to god sentences (of a sort). no-cat-up-hill ("get off the table, cat"). mine-turn-choo-choo. appah-no-come ("go away, dad"). he speaks a mish-mash of english (ninety percent) and korean (five percent). the rest is incomprehensible, a secret language that i have yet to learn. "phway" for "other side" or "that way", which is typically used when nursing and asking to switch sides. yes, still nursing. yes, still waking 2-4 times between midnight and seven a.m. no, not sure when he's going to wean. we'll re-evaluate at two years, but i suspect he'll go for as long as he wants. maybe he's actually mongolian and will nurse until he's nine!

he's impossibly beautiful. i think maybe i'm allowed to say that. and it breaks my heart to think i can't always stare at him, grab his ear and pinch it gently before kissing his cheek. hungrily. and he's too thin. he's such a picky eater--always has been--and it's amazing that i still feel insulted by his refusal to eat. the worst is when he opens his mouth for a bit and then shuts it quickly in order to bat away the food. i don't know why it bothers me so much more than the sleep issue, but it drives me irrationally mad.

i don't understand how he's growing so quickly. some days i think he would be the perfect only child. other days i'm baby hungry. i did not expect to feel these things.

one year ago

2010-11-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

one year ago we were in orange county and leon was recovering from H1N1. it's hard to remember how small and babyish he was. but ever leon "and eternal."

the words are coming fast and everyone remarks on how verbal leon has become in the past month. he's always been opinionated, but it's amazing how a 'yes' or a 'no' can produce results that even impress him. i would love to read more about the acquisition of language because it's very clear that a) certain sounds are repeated in slightly new ways to form similar sounding words and b) he's uninterested or unable to repeat the few words and phrases i'm able to offer him in korean. although i'm literate and have decent comprehension of spoken korean, my speaking ability is wretched. not sure how to deal with this, since i would love for him to have enough fluency to be able to converse with his grandparents. my grandmother and i can barely exchange more than two sentences. when i have the time, i pore over the korean language workbooks that my mom sent me, but my accent is atrocious. the same goes for all of my languages, which makes me think i don't have an ear for the spoken word.

my favorite words:
hess (yes)
fish
no
nose
noah
whale
wheel
juice
shoes
appah
apple

and another bit from A.S. Byatt:
She thought she would never forget any of these moments, these points of development, these markers in time, and forgot all of them as the next stage seemed to be William and eternal.
--Still Life, page 242. [i feel like i could write a dissertation on motherhood in A.S. Byatt's novels. perhaps one has already been written?]

camera

2010-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

thanks for all the comments, advice, and support. it appears leon is slowly settling back to his regular schedule. maybe it was a growth spurt. either way, it was scary to see how quickly things fell apart for me. i'm looking forward to the day when sleeping more than 3 hours at a time is normal rather than a special treat!

i just wanted to share a photo that was taken by a much much nicer camera (nikon slr of some sort). all i have is a canon powershot, nothing fancy. i was stunned by how beautiful this photo turned out. it made me a little wistful. i have so many blurry, grainy photos of leon as a newborn, and i wish i could go back in time and take better photos with a fancy camera.

if i were in the market for a new camera, but didn't want to spend $900, what would you recommend for an active toddler who is often photographed indoors (less than ideal lighting)? i sent this photo to my parents in a not-so-subtle attempt to convince/guilt them to buy us a new camera for christmas + my birthday. after all, they're leon's biggest fans, and who wouldn't want to plaster their fridge with crisp, high res photos of their beloved grandbaby?

coming full circle

2010-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

all the things leon used to do, he's doing again. crying for over an hour nonstop. crying until he vomits. napping for less than an hour (in the car, in the stroller, in the bed, doesn't matter). it's like trench warfare, and we've lost ground again on sleep training. he demands 'mommy' at 10 or 11 pm instead of 2 or 3 am. he screams and vomits...i come and nurse him. he doesn't nurse during the day unless he's upset. he nurses continuously from when i go in at night until morning.

twice in the past week he's fallen asleep in my lap while nursing--at 6 pm. this is a boy who has insisted on falling asleep between 8 and 9 pm for the past 6 months, and never before 7.30 since he was 4 months old. the early bedtime (no dinner, no bath), plus the less than 1 hour nap (in the car, which was fool proof for nearly 11 months), and i'm about to fall apart. it's as if the small gains we made in the past 6 months make the setbacks that much harder to take.

my love is stretched thin. leon is a toddler. he's stubborn. he pushes against me, unable to articulate fully enough. his motor skills aren't good enough to use chopsticks or pull on his shoes. he's not quite ready for the toilet, but he's fed up with diapers, fed up with being carted around, pushed and prodded and dressed and undressed like he's a doll. i would be fed up, too. we're working on the motor skills, working on the steps to independence. he cuts his own cheese with a butter knife. i'm going to set up a water station as soon as i can figure out where to put it. i'm trying so hard, but i'm stretched thin. my love is stretched thin, and it makes me afraid.

sleep training, one month later

2010-09-21T20:08:00.000-07:00


so proud that he can pet turtle without mauling her. 19 months

just born

1 day old


1 week

1 month

2 months (at his plumpest. look at those thighs!)

6 months

10 months

1 year

1.5 years

at what point does the baby-ness go away entirely? leon has always been on the skinny side, which i think has made him look less babyish than most. his bright expressive face and constant activity also make him seem older than he is. he's still my dumpling, my first born and much adored baby, but i can't deny that he's been looking quite grown-up for a long while now.

sleep training and the natural weaning process that comes with my work schedule and longer stretches of sleep only reinforce this sense of time passing. plus he now says so many words including bye, mine, no, bird, straw, ball, balloon, truck, dig, draw, and more. i won't deny that i would like another soon, even as i worry that he or she might be as difficult in the sleep/feeding/activity department(s).

the sleep has been so hard. it has made me feel like a bad person. the overtiredness that becomes my new normal, that causes me to snap or have a meltdown seemingly out of the blue. the inability to focus on work. i've learned the importance of time-outs for myself. i still have to count to ten at least once a day in order to refocus. with these baby steps of sleep-training, i thought i would become more relaxed about minor set-backs. instead i've found them to be more daunting than when i was in the trenches. just catching a glimpse of a more normal sleep situation has made the set-backs hard to handle.

after nearly two weeks of leon falling asleep somewhat easily during both nap and bedtime, he finally figured out the new regime. suddenly 'book' and 'draw' were uttered in plaintive tones (which nearly melt my heart). 'night, night?' was now answered by a swift 'no, no!' and vigorous head shaking. my 1.5 year old was figuring out how to stall. bedtime has been taken over by matthew, who reads leon a few books and pats him to sleep. naps, however, have become semi-hellish for us both. 40-50 minutes of screaming, writhing, kicking and hitting. the rage that i used to feel whenever i attempted to sleep-train him has come flooding back. counting to 10, deep breaths....of course he goes down fairly quickly for naps when his two babysitters are with him (2 days a week). they rock him and sing songs until he falls asleep. when i try this, he glares stonily back at me. just like the old days, but with a bit more maturity on both our parts. he understands the routine but doesn't want to comply. i now know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so i persevere.

sleep training, final attempt. day two.

2010-08-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

7.30 am / good morning
11.10 am / asleep in stroller, which is dragged up to the second floor and placed next to a fan
12 pm / awake/falls asleep on his own in stroller
12.50 pm / awake
8.10 pm / nurse/five books/plays with trains
8.25 pm / bedtime/shhh night night/loveys/2 short cries
8.40 pm / asleep

to be continued....

notes.
i used to read that you're supposed to put your baby to bed sleepy but not asleep. i didn't understand what this looked like until now. as a newborn, leon would nurse til almost asleep, and then we would bounce him for 10 minutes, lay him on his back with our hand on his chest, and wait 20 minutes. during the day he would play, kick vigorously, smile, and then a split second later, scream, freaking out. i would rush to nurse him, and he would inevitably fall asleep at the breast. by the time he was 3 months old, i was nursing him to sleep in bed. at 6 months, i attempted to sleep train him. i would nurse him for a while and then rock him until asleep. once placed in the crib, he would start flailing and screaming. at this point he began vomiting from crying so much.

every time we tried to sleep train him, we failed. i tried the no cry sleep solution and manage to break the suck to sleep association after several weeks. but i could never get leon to stop nursing at night. we tried dr. jay gordon's method, but even after he started falling asleep without nursing, he never slept for more than a 2 hour stretch before needing us to help settle him again. so i gave up and went back to nursing him to sleep. unfortunately the 2 hour stretch became routine even with night nursing.

and now, i can't even believe how smoothly it has been going. he's visibly tired when i nurse him. i tell him 'night night' and he crawls into the bed and lays his head on the pillow (which he started doing 3 weeks ago). i place his two loveys next to him, and he touches them. i say 'shh, night night,' and he closes his eyes, shakes his head, and tosses from side to side a few times.

this is what normal should look like.

it all seems so easy, i now understand how crazy i must have seemed to everyone else who successfuly sleep-trained a baby at 6, 10, or even 12 months. this is just a theory, but i believe that not all babies are ready to fall asleep on their own until they've reached the developmental stage that is right for them. for leon, i think being more verbal is what helps. he now understands 'night night' and my promises to stay with him until he's asleep, and my repeated declarations of how much i love him.

it all seems so easy now, but it was not easy getting to this point. i am still following the dr. jay gordon method, but for some reason, everything is falling into place now. i don't think i'm doing anything different this time, i just think that leon is more mature, more equipped to handle sleep on his own. we'll see how it goes.

sleep training, final attempt. day one.

2010-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

a sleep log for my own records.

6.30 am / good morning
12.30 pm / nurse
12.35 pm / shrieking/patting/offering of loveys
12.55 pm / asleep
1.40 pm / awake/shrieking/patting
2.25 pm / cuddling/asleep
3.15 pm / loud sirens/awake
7.40 pm / bath
8.00 pm / 2 books/nurse...leon is visibly sleepy
8.15 pm / lights out/a promising start with no crying
8.20 pm / crying/offering of loveys/cuddling with hands on chest and cheek
8.45 pm / asleep
11.10 pm / awake/crying/patting/cuddling
11.35 pm /matthew takes over
12.20 am / asleep
5.30 am / awake/nurse/asleep
7.30 am / nurse/good morning

notes:
the patting and cuddling worked until the first night waking. i think the desire for milk was so strong that he couldn't handle my immediate presence. i let matthew take over, and i slept on a mat on the floor. matthew slept on the bed with leon. this 5 hour stretch was the longest he's slept since he was about 3 months old.

on being a mother

2010-08-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

She bends her head to his. She smells his hair. She has no choices. She imagines suddenly a film in which a sagacious dog travelled hundreds of miles, back along the scent, or the magnetic field, which pulled from what it knew and loved. This hair she could distinguish in a room piled high with other heads. This note she would hear through all others. This person is the centre. It is not what she would have chosen but it is a fact, it is a truth stronger than other truths. It is a love so violent that it is almost its opposite.

Babel Tower, A. S. Byatt

Going back to work in two weeks. Trying to get as much writing done as possible. The two hour nap at 11.30, which was reliable for almost three months, is no longer so. Not sure how to juggle childcare, teaching, writing, applying for jobs, and surviving. Lack of sleep is going to be a problem, but I don't have the energy to sleep train (nor do I think it will work). I need help. My mother is here for a month, cooking, cleaning, watching Leon for 2 hours at a time. Sleep has deteriorated, and he is nursing constantly. This is likely because he's separated from me now. Having my mother here has made me realize just how much help I actually need. Not having friends to rely on for an hour or two of babysitting every once in awhile, not having family, not having childcare, and not having a partner who can help...I don't know how people can be full-time stay at home parents without any breaks, any assistance. And yet, 18 months later, I'm so attached, I don't know how to function without him constantly by my side. But I will have to figure something out because there is little joy in this.

Leon's words at eighteen months

appah (father in Korean)

mommy ("help" or "I want")

truck

bubbles

it's mine
ball

imps and elfs sale

2010-07-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

imps and elfs is one of leon's favorite labels. luckily for us, stel's carries the line, and their markdowns are hard to resist.

if leon were smaller, i would snap up a few of these double layered bodysuits for autumn ($20)

the perfect jacket, wind and water resistant. i'm sorely tempted ($40)

cloth diapering so far

2010-07-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

we started cloth diapering around 5 months, took a hiatus at 10 months for 6 weeks (leon would not tolerate long changing sessions), and have been doing 3-4 day cycles once a week since then. i have a coin-op laundry in the basement, so washing and drying not only gets expensive, but it's a pain to find quarters so frequently. i thought about doing a diaper service, but the only one available in my area provides their own diapers. i've found a combination of prefolds, pockets, and fitteds that works for me, so i wasn't interested in a predetermined selection of diapers.

my minimalist diaper 'stash' includes:
12 medium sized pre-folds from green mountain diapers
2 pockets from apple cheeks (purchased used from the diaperswapper.com)
2 medium fitteds from sustainable babyish (these run small), great for long naps.
6 pul covers (my favorite is the thirstie duo wrap because leon is so skinny)
2 wool covers, one from little beetles, the other from the defunct luxe baby.

if i could start over, i would have bought 2 more wool covers. leon has only had 2 almost-blow outs while cloth diapering (rarely with disposables, too), so the wool doesn't really get dirty. it's breathable, water-repellent, and neutralizes ammonia. i balked at the price of wool ($30-50 for nice interlock, but you can knit your own, or buy repurposed wool), but they're actually more affordable that i had thought. between the two wool covers, i can use 6 prefolds and the 2 fitteds. all you have to do is air the cover out compared with rinsing and drying the pul cover (which i'm too lazy to do). i use this tutorial to lanolize and wash my covers once every 3 weeks. i'm glad i've found a use for all that extra lansinoh left in the tube.

i may be lucky in that leon has remained a slim baby. we've been using the same prefolds and covers since he was 5 months, but he's also only 20 lbs at 17 months. maybe cloth would have been more expensive if he had had a major growth spurt. i've seen people buy 5 pocket or aio diapers at a time at my local diaper shop ($20-25 each), and although i've been tempted by the rumparooz and fuzzi bunz, saving money has been one of the main reasons that i use cloth. i've spent less than $280 on detergent, snappis, wet bags, doublers, diapers, and covers. laundry is $3 per week, and disposables are $30 per month. i'm terrible at math, but i'd like to think i've done ok so far.

one of the hard parts of cloth diapering is finding clothes that fit over the extra bulk. i can do a pretty trim diaper with a snappi'd prefold and cover, but we always size up with onesies. leon doesn't outgrow the carter's onesies as often as he does with gerber or baby gap. pants are tricky because they tend to have a low rise. which is why i was excited to see these corduroy pants on baby gap's site.

i swear by catherine's wool jersey pants. you can ask her to increase the rise to accommodate a cloth diapered bum. leon finally outgrew one pair (both purchased last october), and the other one is still loose on him. he wore them nearly every day last winter, and finally wore through the knees. i patched them up, so they're ready for another baby (if not mine, then a friend's).

16 month update

2010-07-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

leon doesn't wear too much clothing nowadays. one of the beautiful things about being a baby is that it's ok to not wear pants.

he had his 15 month check-up (at 16 months), and we learned that he remains firmly in the 75th percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight. since he still refuses to drink whole milk--he still nurses 6-10 times per 24 hour cycle--i've been trying to sneak in food through other means. for instance, his favorite dish is a beef soboro bowl with fried egg and a few chopped up veggies added surreptitiously. sometimes he'll eat whole milk greek yogurt with honey and granola, but food continues to be a struggle. he has also been indifferent to his sippy cup, so i've started filling it with coconut water instead of less delicious regular water.

as for sleep, it's still less than reasonable. he has yet to sleep more than 3.5 hours without waking. on the upside, leon will take a 2-3 hour nap (this includes wakings and nursing), so i am now able to get a little work done during the day (along with making lunch, starting dinner, cleaning out the cat litter, etc.). he goes down at 8.30 or 9 pm (trying to move the bedtime earlier), and then wakes around 11.30 to nurse. usually i give in and go to bed at this time. if i don't, i can do a little more work or read a novel until about 1.30 am. at this point i throw in the towel for good and join him for bed. between 1.30 and 7.30, he usually nurses 3-4 times for less than 2 minutes each. i still have to switch sides or drag him back from the edge of the mattress, so i do wake up to some extent.

a lot of people have asked me if i'm planning on weaning leon. they seem to think it'll help with his sleep. i'm afraid of the vomiting and screaming. in the past month, he's thrown up 3 times because i refused to go in and comfort him before 11.30 pm. sometimes i get really frustrated and feel like i'd rather not have anything to do with being his parent. i guess sleep deprivation and watching him from 9 am until 7 pm has really taken a toll on me. i need a break, but it doesn't look like i'll have the funds for another babysitter until september. until then, i need to finish a draft of the dissertation and hold down the fort.

things that make me happy include leon's spontaneous displays of affection. i love that he really interacts with his books and is finally swaying to music and trying to sing. i know that he's been busy with physical activities, but life is more bearable when he's able to interact with me in a meaningful way. the sleep and food issues will pass. the tantrums are becoming more challenging, too. all in all, leon has a remarkably laid-back temperament when he isn't being intense, needy, or demanding. i guess you could say that he takes after me. another way of putting it is that i have the temperament of a toddler.

outfit ideas, no. 1

2010-07-10T05:23:00.000-07:00

a romper from the 1930s for leon, at belle heir
rachel comey boat shorts for me, at frances may

the active life

2010-05-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

15 months. things leon does.
antagonize the cats
comb his hair
eat from his snack cup
dine on the countertops
staring contests

almost 15 months (the longest month ever)

2010-05-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

my baby is no longer a baby. maybe it's because he's only in the 5th percentile for weight, but he doesn't have any baby fat left. i forget how young he is, especially because he's so mobile. but then i see him doing the same things as a 2 year old, how small he is compared to them, and i remember he's not even 15 months.

i feel like leon has been 14 months for ages. he was the crankiest person for two days, cried out in pain for a night, and then two molars magically appeared. i'm used to the sleepless nights now, so i didn't mind the teething too much. plus, he now has this habit of yelling when he wakes up to nurse (4-6 times between midnight and 7 am). i think he picked up the yelling from me. i'm working on it.

food is still a struggle. i know i'm not supposed to worry because he's growing and thriving, but i still get angry when he throws everything on the ground or worse, he spits it out and wipes his hands ("dirty"). everything is a phase, so there's little predictability. right now leon will eat blackberries and strawberries, earth's best chicken nuggets, and the occasional freeze-dried yogurt bite. sometimes i can sneak in an iron-fortified graham cracker after a few hours of playground time.

speaking of playgrounds, i now spend 6-7 hours at the playground every day, even on days when a babysitter watches him for 3 hours. we're letting her go after the 20th, which means i have to fend for myself again. little by little i'm trying to write at night and during his 1 hour nap (usually taken in a stroller parked at a busy roadside park).

writing is hard, especially when you've been sitting in the sun for 3 hours at a time, no bathroom in sight. my hands are brown and my feet are sporting a saltwaters sandal tan. leon's hands are also brown. i slather on the sunscreen and fight mightily to keep his hat on him, but there's only so much i can do.

writing is also hard when you have an upset stomach every couple of weeks. i don't know if it's stress or something more serious, but i've had major stomach problems once a month for the past three months. most days i feel nauseated, tired, irritable. i'll have to get it checked out soon, but the nurse will probably tell me that it's psychological.

i don't know how i manage to get through these days. the condo isn't selling, and there are several good reasons why i don't think it will any time soon. honestly, i'm relieved that we no longer have showings or open houses.

this is a tired post, a tired update. the days are good, but they're long and hard. maybe that's why month fourteen has felt interminably long. my leon is no longer a baby. some days i feel like he's barely a toddler, even. he's picking up sign language so quickly now. his desire to communicate has accelerated unexpectedly. just two weeks ago he finally started clapping. i've been beaming like the parent of a 9 month old.

at my worst, usually when he's asleep (a semi-reliable 4 hours stretch 7.30-11.30pm), i stare at photos of leon smiling and being silly, and i try to ignore my wretched stomach and everything else stressing me out. even as i brace myself for another sleepless night, i look forward to being next to him. lately he's taken to holding my hand as he falls asleep after the 5th dream feed of the night.

a second mother's day came and went.

leon's room

2010-04-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

it only took 13 months, but leon's nursery is basically as done as it will ever be. there's nothing like selling your place to get you motivated, i suppose!

sleep at 14 months

2010-04-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

(last two photos taken by leon while i wasn't looking)

sometimes we let him cry, sometimes we don't. it depends on the cry and the number of yawns that intersperse the cries. but in general, our schedule looks like this:
8pm
i crawl into his toddler bed (the gulliver crib converted), nurse him for a few minutes, and then lay next to him until he falls asleep.
12am
i nurse him again
3am
more insistent cries mean that nursing to sleep won't work. i take him onto the futon on the ground and we fall asleep.
4am
nurse
5am
nurse
6am
nurse
7am
good morning.

i've tried letting him cry at 3 am, but that has only led to hourly wakings. i'm too exhausted to go back and forth between rooms.

his morning nap usually happens around 11am, in the stroller. for some reason he has been fighting the bed for the past two weeks. the weather is nice, so we walk and walk.

the afternoon nap is on the way out. sometimes it happens at 3, but usually he pushes it back to 4 or even 5. this one happens either in the stroller or on a drive.

he nurses twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon. and nights are an open bar, per usual.

am i tired? yes. do i function? more or less.

we have a part-time babysitter (9 hours a week, m-w). i dash off to starbucks, which is the nearest coffee shop, and write as much as i can for 2.5 hours. usually i can produce 2-3 pages of something. the babysitter has made all the difference in the world. i resent leon less during our time together because i have those 9 hours reserved for work. it was so hard staying focused on him when half of me was fretting about my stalled dissertation. it's slowly starting back up again, but i know that i'm going to have force myself to work at nights. until now i've refused to do this because of sleep deprivation and leon's inability to sit still. things are getting better. he loves the playground and can spend an hour sitting in the sandbox by himself. i've managed to edit a few pages with one eye on him.

it's taken a long time, but it's getting better. his phone conversations are getting more and more hilarious, and i don't know whether to laugh or cry when he throws a tantrum. that lower lip gets me every time.

phone

2010-03-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

important phone call from erica kim on Vimeo.

i also like to pace when i'm on the phone.

farewells

2010-03-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

being in grad school for 7 years means that we've had to say goodbye to a lot of people who have graduated recently. last weekend leon said goodbye to his first and best friend gob, who moved back to bangkok. as much as we're going to miss him, we're already happily planning our first trip to thailand in the next couple of years.

thoughts on one year later

2010-03-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

one year later. i knew things would be different, but i didn't realize just how profound of a change living with leon would be.

i expected sleepless nights. crying. spit up and worse. messy diapers. breastfeeding challenges. lots of laundry. lots of tears (and laughter). i thought i had prepared myself for the worst. the worst didn't happen, but barring illness and death (the absolute worst), it has been tough, tough going.

i keep telling myself there's no way i could have anticipated a such an intense baby with a fiery temper. a friend confessed he couldn't handle leon's cries. they were driving him insane with their relentlessness. there has been no routine, no schedule, no consistency. we have a loose framework for the day, but there's little guarantee that leon will follow it. usually 2-3 meltdowns a day.

for the most part he's a happy, active, outgoing baby in public. sometimes i doubt my perception of our situation. sometimes i think i'm the one with the problem. that my expectations are too high, that my attitude is overwhelmingly negative. i'm riddled with inconsistencies, uncertainties, hesitation.

one year later, and i'm still bewildered and exhausted. there are moments of pure delight, but they're weighed down by my fear of meltdowns, fear of my reaction to them.

i need to hire a nanny so i can have a couple of hours every other day to myself. but i'm resistant to the idea. money is tight now because i didn't finish my dissertation on schedule. plus, this is my baby. i've been with him 20 hours every day for the past 12 months. it's hard to give up control, hard to trust someone else.

i need to let him cry himself to sleep. i know now that he's capable of falling asleep in 10 minutes or less (usually less than a minute), and sleeping longer stretches (3-4 hours), but i'm resistant to this, also. what if he's afraid? what if he thinks i've abandoned him? he's more clingy during the days, reluctant to be more than 4 feet from me. i need space, but i can't stop myself from holding him close. he's growing so quickly, becoming such a boy, and i know i'll have to let him be more independent soon.

i need to get ready for weaning. leon nurses for comfort. he is a picky eater, which has led to thrice-daily battles in the kitchen. matthew thinks that if i wean leon, he'll have no choice but to eat more solid food. i'm reluctant to force this on him. of all the things that give leon joy, i can see that breastfeeding is his favorite activities. he laughs and smiles and curls up against me as if we were made for each other. the hard work of the first 9 months finally paid off. it gives him comfort and makes him feel safe. when he's trying to sleep, it helps soothe him. as much as i need more mobility, more flexibility, more time away from him, i'm reluctant to take this away from him.

my instincts tell me to stay attached, stay close. but not working on my dissertation has become an untenable situation. as much as i adore him, as much as i feel the need to be in control, i need to respect myself as an academic, too. it has been tough going. we've lived like a triage unit for so long, it's the only normal i can envision. i'm not ready to commit to something different, but it looks like i'm going to have to anyway.

one year (belatedly)

2010-03-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

leon in his hanbok.

poor cat

2010-02-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

stroller envy (reflections one year later)

2010-02-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

i'm a huge fan of babywearing. the p-sling was so helpful in the first few months when leon simply wanted to be held all the time. even now we still use it in a hip carry for quick trips (especially in and out of the car) or at crowded places like bars or shops. when he was five months old, i discovered the bloo kangaroo on the baby wearer. it's very similar to the ergo (a soft structured carrier, ssc), but the padding is less bulky, and you can customize the fabric. we have both the kanga-j (secondhand) and the kanga-xt (custom), and both leon and my shoulders can't thank these carriers enough.

that said, i am obsessed with strollers. i wanted a bugaboo cameleon in the beginning, but the price deterred me. so we bought a new micralite toro on ebay for half its retail price. however, i also fell in love with the mountain buggy swift, which are known for their durability (production has since moved to china, which may or may not have affected the quality, but the new zealand-made strollers have an excellent track record). for some reason i thought i could jog with it, so when magic beans had it on sale for $320 in august, i sprung for one.

at this point i felt both smug (two strollers for less than the price of a bugaboo!) and dissatisfied. i wanted both a jogger and a stroller that could face both directions. i wanted a larger sun canopy and more storage for grocery trips. i wanted something that had a fully upright sitting position. the toro does this, but it feels unstable in this position. i also wanted something that didn't look worse for wear after just one year (the toro, again). now, the toro has many great features. it's pretty lightweight (18 lbs), folds in a cinch, stands up while folded, goes from upright to fully reclined, and the huge back wheels can go up and down flights of stairs without a problem.

so, most of my stroller issues revolved around the toro. the swift was fine except for the slightly annoying recline mechanism (you loosen straps on either side of the back). we use it for 2-hour walks and trips to the grocery store even though the basket only carries a small bag's worth of food. the toro stays in the car for mall-trips or traveling. and i remain, one year later, obsessed with strollers.

the problem with baby gear is that these babies grow up. if you're going to buy an $800 stroller, you'll want to use it from 6 months at the very latest. i mean, depending on temperament and size, babies often use strollers for 1.5 to 4 years. this is why second-time parents rarely buy expensive baby gear. either the babies are spaced out far enough that you can reuse the expensive stroller, or you have to buy a double. even better, you buy a maclaren and sling the newborn.

babies are like complex math equations with so many variables that you can almost never get it right. yet i can't help trying over and over again to find the perfect stroller for me and leon.

so after one year, this is what i want in a stroller for a very curious, active baby who loves to both face out and look at me:

easily taken up and down stairs

one-handed fold

full recline to upright

solid, sturdy, balanced

one-handed push

options for extra storage (like bicycle panniers)

forward and back facing

large canopy that can fold back to nearly nothing

extendable footrest

snack tray (i never thought i would want this)

the new orbit baby G2 stroller may be the closest thing right now. we test drove it at magic beans last weekend, and i was pretty satisfied. i have no interest in car-seat strollers (slings and SSCs worked fine for us), so i never bothered looking at the original orbit last year. supposedly you can use the new seat from newborn up, so theoretically i could use the stroller if we had another baby 2-3 years from now. at any rate, i would have to sell one, if not both strollers, to help pay for an orbit G2 ($750). crazy talk, i know. but the clock is ticking. leon is nearly 12 months, which means i either need to get The Stroller or make peace with the fact that it probably doesn't exist anyway.

he walks!

2010-02-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

i finally filmed leon walking, more or less. he started taking a few steps at a time around january 15, but every time i get the camera, he gets down to crawl toward the lens. today he walked about 5 steps very nonchalantly. usually i can coax him with a bowl of contraband ice cream or a cracker.

walking a few steps from erica kim on Vimeo.

now if only i could figure out how to rotate the video...

nearly walking

2010-01-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

second bath of the day following a very messy lunch and an incident including a cup of coffee, my clothing, and the couch.

oh man, this baby is hard to keep up with. he was waking every hour for the past two nights, and this morning we noticed two new bottom teeth. he's on the verge of walking. starting two weeks ago leon has been taking 2-3 steps several times a day. physically, he's ready to walk. his balance is solid, but i think that psychologically he's unsure of the benefits of walking. after all, he's an extremely fast crawler and cruiser. and who needs to crawl or cruise when mama can pick you up?

lately, i've been worrying that leon isn't hitting his developmental milestones. we had a playdate with a 12 month old who was a pro at eating 'real' food. blueberries, sippy cup, chicken-apple meatballs, cheese... leon doesn't like his pureed food anymore (mealtime is an awful, epic battle), but he doesn't want to feed himself either. the few things he'll eat with gusto include: tofu, ice cream, and masticated meat. i know that i need to try harder and be less upset when he throws food on the ground, but it's really really difficult for me to see food wasted like this. i grew up in a household that finished dinner by putting a tiny amount of water in the rice bowl to get every last grain. and now with food prices going up, it makes me want to cry when half a jar of food ends up on the floor or in his hair.

i know it's silly, but it also bothers me that he still doesn't clap or wave bye-bye without significant prodding on our part. i think it would help if he spent more time with babies slightly older than him. our mothers' group consists primarily of 2-7 month olds, so i have been trying to find other groups for him to join. i waited too long on music or other activity classes because i wasn't sure we'd still be here in february, and now it's too late to sign up at isis maternity or elsewhere. so, i guess we're going to try the free toddler group at the public library. i know all babies develop at their own pace, but it's ridiculously difficult to not make comparisons no matter how much you try.

the best thing that has happened (aside from the first steps) is his extravagant use of the word 'kitty!' he says it not only when he sees the cats, but also when he sees anything that pleases him. we have shouting matches and play hide and go seek. leon has become a huge fan of blowing a raspberry on my stomach. he will actually lift up my shirt to do this. he's quite the little prankster.

reading from erica kim on Vimeo.

march 2, 2009 from erica kim on Vimeo.

a week and half old leon. such a little nugget (and yes, watching this makes me want to have another baby).

roseola

2010-01-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

on saturday night leon felt warm to me. i wanted to check his temperature, but didn't for fear of disturbing me. it didn't seem to be much higher than 101, and he's normally warm before bedtime. all night long i felt the back of his neck, no change.

sunday morning i checked his temperature. 102.8. i called the nurse, who suggested we give him motrin every 6 hours, tylenol at the 4 hour mark. we didn't have motrin, so we gave him tylenol and then headed up to nashua, nh, to pick up his new jogging stroller. when we returned, he was burning hot. 104.5. i freaked out, gave him motrin, and freaked out some more. the fever would come back at the four mark, so i would give him tylenol. it went back up to 104 once more that night.

monday morning i took leon to the pediatrician. she said it might be a urinary tract infection and that i should keep alternating motrin and tylenol. that day the fever went between 103 and 100. he had no other symptoms aside from the fever. feeding was difficult, but i compensated by nursing more frequently.

tuesday, more of the same. the fever would go down to 100, and then jump back up to 102. 5. the pediatrician called and said we should only give tylenol if it was above 101, and motrin only if it was above 102.5. i gave him motrin once that day. i guess they wanted to see whether the medicine was masking anything.

wednesday morning his temperature was 99.7. it stayed down until mid afternoon, when it shot back up to 102. i gave him tylenol once that day. still eating only half of his regular amount, still crabby.

thursday, the fever is suddenly gone. but he's extra clingy and irritable.

friday. i notice a rash of tiny red bumps on his face, chest and back during his evening bath. we google it. roseola.

i've been watching leon for 7 hour days while matthew finishes his thesis, and i am exhausted, both physically and psychologically.

10.5 months

2010-01-07T18:26:00.000-08:00

snow drifts

poor billy

caught mid-sentence

finally figured out the pacifier, sort of.

our charlie brown tree

hector helping with the wrapping paper

leon is quite the busy baby. every day i'm convinced he's going to start walking, but i think he's taking his time after pulling up to stand at 6.5 months and standing on his own at 9.5 months.

although he doesn't really say specific words, leon carries on conversations with me, matthew, and the cats. sometimes he scolds us, other times he chatters, and more often than not he collapses in a hysteric fit of giggles. mama the pack leader is working non-stop now. if i say 'no,' he pauses, retracts the hand, and proceeds to argue with me. when i say 'no' again, he looks at me, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth, waiting to see if i'll smile back. if my stern face relaxes just a tiny bit, that sly little hand stretches out again. sigh. my mom was right when she told me i would have my hands full disciplining him.

we started a new 'sleep training' program 5 days before christmas because that's how we like to spend our holidays. for 3 nights it was awful. i would nurse him in bed from 7pm until 11ish, and then refuse to nurse until at least 5am. i still co-sleep, which means i have to figure out other ways to soothe him such as rocking, patting, and shushing. the first night he protest-cried for 2 hours, slept for 1, and then cried again for an hour before falling asleep for 2 more hours. the second night he cried for 1 hour, slept for 2, repeat. by the fourth night, he was not only sleeping 2.5-3 hours between 7 and 11, he also was going right back to sleep between 11 and 5.

it was going well until day 8. ever since then, he goes back to sleep quickly after a few pats, except between 3 and 4. during this hour, he cries a little, lurches about the bed, often knocking his head against my face (ouch), and then flops down across my chest. as soon as i remove him, the whole cycle starts again. sometimes i remain calm and stoic, other times i tell him how much i dislike him.

progress, even at a snail's pace, is good enough for me. i'm relieved that he doesn't cry from distress or fear, only out of indignation. it's also reassuring to know that he can fall asleep relatively easily without nursing. we decided to do this partly because we hope he'll sleep better and for longer periods by nursing less frequently at night. i also wanted him to not rely on night milkfeeds because it was altering my day supply for the worse. leon now nurses more often during the day, every 2-3 hours instead of every 4-5, so i don't have to worry as much about dehydration (he's terrible with the sippy cup and regular cup).

it's also a relief to not obsess about sleep even while working to adjust his sleep patterns. even though he's still high-energy during the day, i don't fret about it as much because i'm feeling ok about the sleep issue. although he doesn't clap, he now hits objects together, which is almost the same thing i suppose. he's obsessed with putting things into containers. ever since he started playing with his montessori box, he spends most of his time trying to put objects into baskets, cups, anything. leon is also getting steady enough that he can bob up and down to music while standing, and he's becoming quite adept at crawling onto and off from the couch.

climbing off of the couch from erica kim on Vimeo.

my favorite new leon thing is his propensity to share. just a few weeks ago he began offering things for us to bite, usually right after he's had a good nibble on them. he can also pet the cats without yanking their fur, and he loves giving them (and us) bear hugs. as gratifying as that first smile was, i'm even more enamoured with leon's affectionate overtures.

on teeth

2009-12-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

leon loves his little haba blocks, which stephanie gave him. he particularly enjoys putting them in his mouth. the other day i thought to myself, hmm, it's rarely a good idea to run/crawl with something in your mouth. maybe it's because i knocked out my front tooth when i was 10, but you won't find me walking about with a lollipop, spoon, or anything else in my mouth. i'm very protective about my remaining teeth.

this thought of keeping small, hard gummable objects away from leon came and went that day. after all, he loves playing with them.

today while i was uploading videos onto the computer, leon played at my feet. he had a small block in his mouth and was crawling around like a little puppy, which i find to be very endearing. all of a sudden he falls flat on his face. or mouth, rather.

accustomed to all sorts of bumps and falls, i calmly kneel down and pick him up. he's bawling, bright red, tears flowing. i check him over.

blood--coming out of his mouth. i panic, my heart racing, flashbacks of rollerskating and knocking out my tooth, root and all. with every passing second, i'm ever more certain that he's knocked out his front teeth, all four of them. i rush him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out, trying to slow the bleeding with cold water so i can see what's going on in there. i call matthew, screaming, 'there's been an accident, mouth bloody, teeth gone, blood everywhere, what do i do?!?'

my upstairs neighbor, who has a three-year old, hears the hullabaloo through the lightwell and knocks on the door, offering help. we get things sorted out, ice cubes wrapped in cloth and placed on leon's mouth, and then the crying picks up again. she leaves so i can nurse him. i cautiously pry open his mouth, dark visions clouding my eyes.

all teeth are there. nightmares of leon spending the next 8-10 years without his top teeth vanish. i swear on all things good in the world that i will never do computer stuff while watching leon. distracted parenting doesn't really work, especially when your 10 month old has inherited your clumsiness. i know i can't prevent every single little accident or bad thing, but that doesn't lessen the blind hope with which i hold him close, attempting to keep them at bay a little longer.

leon, standing.

2009-12-17T18:38:00.001-08:00

maybe it was new york city, but leon started standing on his own for a few seconds at a time. sometimes he's holding onto something and then lets go. more excitingly, sometimes he slowly stands up from a crouching position.

he also can climb onto the couch. scary times for my poor books.

as for me, the heart palpitations are gone (more or less), and my heart checked out just fine. unfortunately, the inevitable finally happened and my front tooth died after nearly 20 years post-rollerskating accident. it really is true. even as these babies thrive, the parents (especially mama) take such a beating. still working on the sleep thing. last night was awful (wakings every 30-90 minutes). i don't have the heart to let him cry. he's too knowing already.

box, kitty, and leon

2009-12-09T17:36:00.001-08:00

kitty in the box from erica kim on Vimeo.

talking, almost.

2009-12-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

mamma? from erica kim on Vimeo.

i won't refrain from mentioning how annoying i must sound to leon. mamma? mamma? mamma? mamma? mamma? he probably thinks i'm crazy, which explains why his bib is more interesting than having a 'conversation' with me.

still working on baby proofing

2009-11-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

tee by imps and elfs
hammer pants by nico nico (both from stels)

tiny metal spoon? check.

plastic tube and foam pieces? check.

the riverboat velour romper belonged to me first

extension cord? check.

up to no good, as usual. i can't wait to see what else he throws my way come toddlerhood.

9 months

2009-11-29T06:57:00.001-08:00

9 months check-up
29 inches
19 lbs, 9 oz.

loves yogurt, rice and lentils--not so much.
still fights naps and bedtime, wakes up for an hour during the night to crawl and fight sleep, sometimes sleeps a 3 hour stretch between 6 and 11 pm.

i, on the other hand, am a wreck. heart palpitations, fatigue, muscle pain...blood work on monday and an appointment to set up a holter heart monitor. hopefully it's just a thyroid condition or anemia, not anything directly related to the heart. apparently 1 out of 20 women develop hyper/hypo thyroidism in the postpartum period. at any rate, i spend my days dreading those little heart flips and worrying that i should have signed up for life insurance.

leon is trying his best to keep me entertained.

sleep...on letting go

2009-11-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

top by atsuyo et akiko
wool pants by lucysplace

we've been sleeping on the floor for nearly two months now. my back is killing me, but this is nothing new. leon still wakes up every 1-2 hours to nurse. he still hogs half of the mattress. i don't have it in me to do things differently. three weeks ago he slept a 4 hour stretch. i suspect it had something to do with being ill with the swine flu. rats.

but, he's actually turning out to be a happy happy baby. he chuckles and snorfles and tosses his head back laughing. his daytime naps are starting to settle into a pattern. usually 2 hours in the morning, 1-2 hours in the afternoon. he loves eating his jar food, and his crying jags are less frequent. he doesn't mind the car seat, in fact he falls asleep without too much of a peep. this is a huge change from early october. he is also getting better at being with the cats. he rakes their fur gently and only pulls once in awhile. he also yelps whenever he sees them. i wish i could record all these sounds and movements but whenever i turn on the camera, he stops what he's doing to crawl over and pull up on my leg.

it's taken me a long time, nearly 9 months, but i can now honestly say that i enjoy his company.

sweater, my brother's from 1977
padded overalls, jacadi
knee socks by nix (the only ones that stay up)

baby food, flying, and sucuumbing to pretty gadgets

2009-11-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

1. flying with baby food
apparently it's ok to bring jars of baby food onto the plane. however, the TSA will probably use its fancy machinery to test the food. the sealed jars were given a quick exterior swabbing, which was then placed in a machine. for what? i have no idea. they also did a pH type test on the vapors of the opened jar of food. i was given a pat-down. oddly enough, neither matthew nor leon were subjected to similar treatment.

2. 5 teeth coming in all at once and baby-led weaning
i freaked out a few months ago when leon bit off a chunk of apple and gagged for longer than i would like. i wouldn't call it textbook 'choking', but it scared me half to death. now that there are more teeth, and i've gotten used to the gagging (thank you, tamiflu!), i think it's time to try more finger foods.

3. the expensive gadget dilemma
sure, i guess i could do everything without a $150 beaba babycook, but knowing my cooking-resistant ways, i probably wouldn't. just the thought of buying a steamer and using up all those pots and spoons and colanders (and washing them) makes me tired. there's a reason why i prefer one-pot recipes. so, i have a $50 gift card to williams sonoma, and am considering buying the beaba soon. as matthew pointed out, it wouldn't really save me much money in the long run. but it steams! purees! reheats! but will i use it? will i regret it?

crawling, standing, walking, running

2009-11-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

leon has figured out how to fall on his behind, which has saved me a lot of worry.

the skin on his knees is no longer soft.

sometimes when he pulls up to stand he lets go with both hands.

when he stands up, he turns around and gestures with one hand so that someone will help him walk around the apartment.

sometimes he'll break into a gleeful sprint, especially if you pretend to tickle him.

swine flu, pt. 4

2009-10-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

leon is pretty much all better. my mom, however, is not. she has respiratory issues, so she went on Tamiflu as soon as she got a fever. my dad and i have had GI issues, along with really awful fatigue, but otherwise, no real flu symptoms.

i can't tell if i actually had the flu virus or whether it was psychosomatic. i'll get the vaccine once we return to cambridge mid-november.

as for that Tamiflu--

the tutti-frutti flavor must taste something awful because leon makes the hugest face. the first 3 doses were really hard to give him. he screamed, wailed, fat tears rolling down his cheek. i now have to hide the bottle and syringe because just looking at them makes him purse his lips.

the only way to feed him is by spoon. and even this can be a 10 minute process as my mom or dad attempts to distract and amuse him so that that little mouth will open just a crack.

i'm just glad that he's doing better, and that i didn't really get sick. i'm not taking my chances and will get the vaccine. who knows how long this flu season will last and whether it will become more vicious in the winter. i've definitely turned into a paranoid hypochondriac, though. i should stop googling 'asymptomatic H1N1 symptoms,' 'chest pain,' and 'death.' sometimes the internet is not a good thing.

8 months

2009-10-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

leon is nearly walking.

phew. i need to take a breather just thinking about it.

he pulls up to stand on pretty much everything, now. he's a fearless baby. if you don't help him walk, he'll start yelling at you. often he'll let go of your hands, turn to face outward, and start walking. if you don't follow along, more scolding from leon.

the slithering has definitely switched to proper crawling in the past three weeks. most of the time he's so anxious to get wherever it is he want to go that he will crawl with one foot flat on the ground. this guy is in a hurry.

lots of talking, babbling, communicating, too. where did my little baby go?

highlights of the past 8 months that i miss:
marionette dancing while on his back
sitting quietly in the bathtub
blowing raspberries

sleep is slowly improving. leon now will sleep a 2.5 hour chunk.

breastfeeding continues. lots of snacking every 2-3 hours during the day, and then guzzling from 6 to midnight. he also eats 3 meals a day. i wanted to try baby led weaning, but he nearly choked on a bit of apple that he managed to bite off with his tiny barely-there bottom teeth.

when he laughs (this happens all the time now), you can see those teeth nubbins. they're adorable, just as adorable as his gummy smile.

leon had his first hair-trim this week. his bangs kept getting in his eyes, so i snipped them. i didn't do a great job because i was afraid of cutting him. i hope they grow out ok. i really do want to grow his hair out, but my parents scolded me.

lots of scolding nowadays, plenty to go around. leon refuses to stay put while i change his diaper. the prefolds are really difficult to use. we may have to move on to pocket diapers or AIOs. i use the imse vimse flushable liner since he now eats food. you can wash the re-use them if it's only pee, because otherwise they're quite expensive.

i am still pining after the bugaboo cameleon. i don't know what's wrong with me, but every time i see one, my heart twinges. i wish i had just gone with my gut instinct and bought one in the first place, even though we have two strollers for half the price of a cameleon. the only way i can justify buying one now is by definitely having a second baby in the next 3-4 years. phew.

swine flu, pt. 3

2009-10-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

so leon was prescribed Tamiflu even though he hasn't had a fever for more than 24 hours and it's been more than the 48 hours recommended since the onset of symptoms. i called his pediatrician for a second opinion, and they suggested we give him the anti-viral medication. if he starts vomiting--a side effect--we should stop.

but the main concern right now is whether he'll develop a secondary bacterial infection, which Tamiflu won't prevent at this point. apparently one-third of the infant/small child deaths have been from this, not from H1N1. so a new fever of 101 or higher means another trip to the doctors.

also, the virus remains active in his nasal secretions for up to one week after the fever has subsided. so that means there's a good chance we'll get infected with the flu. the vaccine still isn't available here, so we're going to have to cross our fingers and hope for the best.

swine flu, pt. 2

2009-10-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

leon's test came back POSITIVE. he doesn't have a fever, just nasal congestion as usual. he's playing with my wallet and having a grand time.

we're all going in to be tested this afternoon. i didn't feel too great on saturday, and i don't feel like i can't take super deep breaths, but hardly what you'd call 'labored breathing'. but that could just be a byproduct of my hypochondria. we'll see.

swine flu, pt. 1

2009-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

i noticed leon was a touch warm on friday morning. by the time we returned home, i checked his temperature. 102.8. he had also been dealing with a runny nose for the past week and a half (clear mucous). my mom called a pediatrician's office, and they suggested we drop by. i wasn't too worried because leon was playful and active as always. he was, however, napping more often that day, which is definitely out of the ordinary. i gave him 0.8 ml of tylenol and packed him in the car.

at the doctor's office, they checked his temperature along with other things. 99.6. the pediatrician then came into the room. the first thing out of her mouth was--there have been a lot of cases of swine flu with a high fever. my mom looked terrified. she asked whether a small fall two days ago had contributed to leon's fever. she also wondered whether he should be taking pedialyte for hydration. the pediatrician said no, which i could have told her without having to go to a doctor's office.

at this point, leon wasn't doing too bad except for his runny nose, sneezing, a low to medium fever, and a bit of coughing. all signs were pointing to a cold. the pediatrician, however, decided to bulldoze us into agreeing to two flu tests. one was in-house and would tell us whether or not he had influenza. the second, which had to be sent to a lab, would be more accurate and would determine whether he has H1N1. she said that of course the lab test would be more expensive, around $400, and would take 2-3 days. if the in-house test was positive, then the lab test would surely be positive. but if it were negative, there would still be a chance of a positive lab result. i didn't quite follow this logic, but i'm not a doctor or a logician.

i then asked what the point of a lab test would be if we needed to administer Tamiflu within 48 hours of symptoms. she said, well, we could still treat him, but yes, Tamiflu is more effective sooner rather than later. of course all i could think was, if he has swine flu, his condition is going to deteriorate before the 2-3 days are up.

my mom frowned and decided we should go ahead with both tests. i was more skeptical, but i also knew that leon's health insurance would cover everything except the $10 copay. i did, however, feel bad about contributing to the 'needless testing' that encumbers our health care system.

anyway, after two days of tylenol and many frustrating naps and sleepless nights, leon is doing much better. we're all going in next week for the H1N1 vaccine--if it's still available in our area. i'm not anti-vaccine, but i can't help but feel nervous. i'm not a fan of giving leon more shots than he needs, especially since he tends to have a bad reaction to them.

pt. 2--the vaccine and how it went.

a tooth!

2009-10-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

hat by bieq
wool pants by lucy's place

my parents were here recently and noticed that a bottom tooth is sprouting. considering all the trouble we've had with sleeping, i'm thankful that leon hasn't exhibited any of the classic teething symptoms.

on a side note, we are so excited for fall, especially because leon has inherited my special talent for hat-wearing.

a new kind of sleep

2009-10-02T19:15:00.001-07:00

knit one-piece from egg by susan lazar (size 3-6 months)

so we gave up. we laid two twin-size foam mattresses on the floor of the small bedroom. i nurse him down every time he wakes up, but only after first trying to pat him back to sleep. it works 1 out of 10 times.

a typical day/night looks like this.
6 am-wake up, play with matthew, take a bath
8 am-nap with me in bed
9.30-10 am-wake up
noon-nap no. 2, alone
1 pm-wake up, go to the park or grocery store
3 pm-nap no. 3, alone
3.30-4 pm-wake up
5 pm-dinner
5.30 pm-bathtime
6 pm-bedtime with nursing
6.30-nursing 2-3 min.
7.30-pat-down to sleep
8.30-nursing 2-3 min.
11 pm-nursing, matthew and i join leon in bed
12.30 am-diaper change, nursing
3 am-nursing
5 am-nursing
6 am-motoring around the room, ready for fun

it isn't ideal, but it isn't terrible. sometimes he wakes up only 5 times, but that's rare. i'd like to think that because there's consistency in our response, he sleeps better. honestly, he could probably go an extra 30-40 min. late at night except i always creep in to check on him. the thing with him not sleeping long stretches is that when he does, i freak out and think that something's wrong. the longest he can go awake before having a meltdown is 2.5 hours, so frequent naps are the rule in this house.

and now for something not sleep related:
he sits, he crawls/slithers (at an astonishing speed), he pulls himself up on the couch and tries to stand while on his hands and knees (they're like push-ups)...he eats solids twice a day...and he 'talks'.

words include:
uh ma, uh ma (sounds pretty much like 'mother' in korean)
mem, mem, mem (i used to say this to him all the time as code for nursing)

and various sounds that can't be easily transcribed. i am delighted by my increasingly vocal baby. now if only we could get him to chunk up more. he's always motoring around the house, no wonder he burns all those calories off. it's no secret, i want more baby chub to kiss and squeeze.

sleep "training". day 3. we give up

2009-09-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

4.00--freak out in the car (overtired)
4.25--nap attempt in crib, failed.
5.00--dinner
5.20--bath
5.45--book, lullaby, nursing
6.15--falls asleep in crib (rocking, lullaby)
7.20--awake, crawling, crying
7.45--refuses to be put back in the crib.
8.00--banshee wailing. i'm on the verge of losing it, thankfully matthew is in the room to make sure nothing bad happens.
8.05--i decide it's time to cry it out. i.e., i can't take it any more (did i mention SEVEN months of this?). we sit in the living room and watch the clock.
8.15--i tell matthew to check on leon to make sure he hasn't thrown up
8.16--i peek in and see him holding leon. what happened to crying it out??
8.30--leon is in my arms, drifting off to sleep and then jerking awake to scream periodically.
8.45--i put him in the crib so i can go into the living room for a second. i'm losing it again.
8.46--we go back into the room to see leon standing up in the crib. yes, he can pull himself up to the standing position. yes, he's only just 7 months old.
8.47--leon is fully awake and smiling contentedly in my arms. we decide to put two foam mattresses on the floor in the little bedroom (7'x10' with noisy lightwell and 'walk-in' closet) because it's already pretty much child-proofed (and extremely warm in the winter). the huge bedroom is going to be our office/luxurious guest bedroom.
9.10--the details have been ironed out. leon and i climb into bed after several foam mattress pads have been placed strategically on the floor in case he starts crawling.
9.20--he's done with nursing and is laying on his side, facing me, eyes wide open, perfectly still. this is really creepy.
9.40--finally asleep. i roll off the bed and hightail it to the freezer for a sweet red bean popsicle. matthew says it's a good thing that leon was staring at me quietly. this means he's tired and knows he needs to sleep but doesn't need to cry to fall asleep. well, better that than having an alien-demon-possessed baby, i guess.

notes:
the fact that we were giving in earlier with each consecutive night wasn't a good sign. my mental state is in the danger zone, leon behaves as if we've abandoned him, and matthew can't figure out what exactly i want to do. what a mess.

i'm ok with the new plan, even though i feel like a total flake. i told matthew i hope leon doesn't turn out like every pet i've owned. i'm terrible with consistency, especially when it comes to disciplining doe-eyed tiny creatures. my dog was completely wild, and the cats---well, you know how cats can be. mine are willful and bad-mannered, but of course i blame myself.

i hope we can move to a bigger place where i can have a large empty bedroom with a california king coco-fiber mattress on an extremely low platform bed, with tatami mats for leon to roll onto. now if only we could figure out a way to keep the night nursing to a minimum so he doesn't require a diaper change....

sleep "training". day 2.

2009-09-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

5.30--dinner
6.30--bath
6.55--bedtime routine (book, nursing, rocking)
7.20--asleep in crib
7.55--crying and crawling
8.10--asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--awake and crawling
10.05--asleep in crib (rocking, nursing)
10.10--crying (matthew goes in as the relief. i then relieve him)
10.30--asleep in crib (rocking)
10.35--screaming (matthew goes in)
10.55--game over. leon goes into bed with us.
11.00--asleep in bed (nursing)
12.30--crying
12.45--asleep (diaper change, nursing)
4.00--crying
4.05--asleep (nursing)
5.00--crying
5.10--asleep (nursing)
6.00--awake

notes:
this time instead of trying to let him settle himself (ie. scream and flail in the crib for 1-2 minutes), i rock leon until he is deeply asleep and then very slowly lower him into the crib. i then rub his back while carefully extracting my other hand. lots of 'shhh, sleepy time, shhh, it's ok, go to sleep...'.

exchanging one crutch for another? perhaps. but if he could stay in a sleepy state during these rocking sessions, he would fall asleep more quickly. i'm surprised at how quickly he's replaced the suck-to-sleep association with sleeping in my arms. maybe this is progress.

but then matthew tries to rock leon, and within ten minutes, he is fully alert. we decide to bring him into bed. he immediately snuggles up close to me and falls asleep.

sleep "training". day 1.

2009-09-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

5.30--dinner
6.00--bath
6.15--bedtime wrangling
7.10--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking*)
7.40--wakes up crying**
8.10--falls asleep in crib (rocking)
9.15--wakes up crying
9.40--falls asleep in crib (nursing, rocking, shushing)
9.45--crying
9.55--asleep in crib (rocking)
11.00--crying
11.20--asleep in crib (rocking)
12.15--crying
12.50--asleep in bed (nursing, diaper change)
4.00--crying
4.05--asleep in bed (nursing)
5.30--crying
5.35--asleep in bed (nursing)
7.00--awake

* rocking entails holding him in my arms while bouncing in the poang chair, slowly standing up and swaying him while next to the crib and then finally rocking gently as i lower him into the crib while on my tiptoes so i can keep my chest close to his. the crib was lowered because my 7 month old can pull himself up.

** crying is an understatement. more like wailing, shrieking, back-arching, kicking, fist-flailing, red in the face, tears streaming down, misery.

notes:
after leon was brought into the bed last night, he slept really well. unfortunately, i woke up at 7 am to find him crawling over me. he was seconds from plunging to the ground. i've spent the past 3 weeks a nervous wreck, always checking him at night and during naps. it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep at night, and i rarely sleep deeply because of the extreme anxiety. plus, i'm sick with a cold, and i have a conference paper to complete in the next few days.

the crying was really really tough. in general, he cries frequently day and night, so that wasn't new to me. but trying to get him to fall asleep in the crib and seeing his little fists reach up for me while tears streamed down his face. so so sad. i could only do it for a minute at a time, not because i wanted him to cry it out, but because i was frantically rubbing his back, telling him it would be ok, hoping he would miraculous fall asleep. that didn't happen. my emotions ranged from sadness to frustration, and finally anger. at points during the evening, i wished that he had never been born. at other times, i would cry because i knew he was suffering (withdrawal) and i didn't want to be an enabler anymore.

aside from his propensity to crawl/fall off the bed without warning, the main reason why i'm trying to get leon accustomed to the crib is because nursing in bed hasn't been working for the past 2 weeks. he nurses so frequently that his diaper becomes full. this makes him uncomfortable, therefore it's difficult to fall back asleep. a diaper change really upsets him. it's a vicious cycle. he also cries at night, which is probably connected to the diaper issue. so my goal is to nurse him less frequently, maybe 2-3 times at night. it is impossible to stop nursing him as long as we're sharing a bed. the smell of milk and accessibility are huge obstacles. plus, i would rather he got most of his food during the day, which hasn't been the case for the past month.

honestly, i would have thrown the mattress on the floor, put up pillows in front of every hard object in the room, and nursed him to sleep for the next year if that's what worked for us. but the wet diaper and lack of interest in nursing during the day have made me reconsider my approach. i also want matthew to be able to help out more with bedtime. a reliance on nursing makes this difficult.

this obviously isn't a 'no cry sleep solution,' but i knew from the beginning that there would be crying. i'm trying to keep it at a minimum, but i would like leon to learn different ways to fall asleep. we're going to be traveling quite a bit in the next few months, so relying on one method is not a good idea. i love him to pieces, more than i can ever verbalize, so listening him to cry and toss his head from side to side as he chases sleep is very hard to watch. i don't think he's 'manipulating' me or that rocking him to sleep and maintaining night-feeds is going to turn him into a maladjusted unpleasant 3 year old. i just want him to sleep better and for longer periods so that he is well rested and happier rather than hyperactive and incredibly cranky.

dressing for winter

2009-09-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

i am sorely tempted to dress leon in Lana Wool from head to toe. he is very naughty and refuses to keep his adorable knit hats on, so maybe this balaclava is the answer. if i have to spend another winter here, i might as well dress him as warmly as possible.

baby proofing

2009-09-10T17:07:00.001-07:00

snuggle wool blanket (not a sheepskin!)

thank you. we're doing better, although leon had a meltdown on the way home from a very early dinner (5.30-6.30). i had to skip his bedtime routine (solid food, book, bath, music) because he was losing it. i'm pretty sure he didn't mind skipping right to the main event, though.

so now that he's mobile and on the verge of crawling properly--i give him two weeks--we've started clearing out the living room so it's leon-friendly. last weekend i packed up 6 boxes of books and matthew put three bookcases along with our coffee table in storage. we have two bookshelves that we lined along one wall to partially block the radiator. i've been looking at montessori-inspired blogs for ideas, and the main thing i decided to do was create interesting spaces for leon to play. these cubbyholes are perfect for storing toys in baskets or displaying his favorite picture cards (the eames' house of cards). right now he loves visiting each 'station' and pulling out the toys. sometimes we sit together and he goes through a basket, which i find to be inexplicably charming.

i'm going to order a few wooden toys to place on top of the cubbyholes to entice leon to pull himself up. these by little sapling toys would be perfect.

i'm trying hard to resist buying too many toys, but sometimes i just can't say no. for instance, these wooden puzzles with peg handles would be perfect for leon to practice his pincer grasp.

the living room transformation

before

during

after

many more books to pack before we move next year. not to mention the few hundred novels that are at my parents' place. someday when we're settled i'd like to be reunited with them. thank goodness for the postal service's media mail rate.

bad mother

2009-09-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

on the advice of many, i attempted to leave leon to settle himself. over six months of sleepless nights and overly wakeful days has taken a toll on us. the fact that i am the only person who can get him to fall asleep (via nursing in bed) has made it difficult to share the work of parenting.

so i nursed him, snuggled with him for 15 minutes in his side-car crib, nursed him again, patted him on his back until he closed his eyes. and then i crept away. the crying began immediately. a loud, angry, jagged cry. i kept the door cracked open so i could watch him. he passed his lovey from one hand to the other, his cries continuing. i looked at the clock. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. the cries intensify. 4 minutes. i go into the kitchen for a glass of water. when i return, he is crawling from his crib across the mattress and toward the pillow barricades. the cries are moving from protesting to truly hysterical. 5 minutes. i decide to go in.

he's face down in vomit, the bed is covered in a mixture of sweet potatoes and milk. i feel sick and angry with myself. i pick him up, take off his clothes, yank the sheet and mattress cover off. in the bathroom, i gently wash his face off and look for new sheets. when i put him in the crib so i can put the new sheet on, he begins wailing inconsolably. i pat him, pick him up, put him back down. the sobbing starts as soon as i detach myself from him. it's as if he believes i'm going to abandon him again.

not all babies cry so much that they vomit. i didn't realize it could escalate so quickly. i figured babies who throw up from crying it out are the ones left alone for 30-60 minutes or more--which i refuse to do. but 5 minutes? i feel like a terrible person.

not to mention he fell off our low bed this morning--hence the new barricades. i was napping with him for over 2 hours when i decided to make a quick bathroom run. in the 30 seconds that i was gone, he managed to wake up, roll 4 times and onto the floor. THUNK. and then wailing. he's fine. i've been watching him like a hawk, and so far so good.

but still. i am at the end of my rope. nearly 7 months of sleep issues, an intense temperament, and an inability to do my own work (which really needs to be done if i want a job come august). i give up. it'll sort itself out eventually. i'm tired of trying to make it happen before he's ready. the only thing that matters is that he gets quality sleep. even if that means nursing him til he falls asleep, napping beside him, and putting our mattresses on the ground.

away he goes

2009-09-03T16:53:00.001-07:00

wool pants by tuss from enfant terrible

things are moving so quickly now. in just 5 days, leon has gone from rolling to crawling/dragging himself across the foam mat and onto the hardwood floor. trying my best to slow things down once in awhile so i can hold him close and breathe in his curls.

everything hits at once

2009-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

the living room has turned into a crack den including a mattress pad on the floor. but i think the sheet really pulls the room together.

enjoying lunch at veggie planet in harvard square with friends sonja and chris.

wedging himself between the jumperoo and a file box.

leon's six month check-up went pretty well. we decided to do the pneumococcal conjugate next month, so he had DTaP, Hib and Polio this time. obviously i'll never know for certain, but he was much less fussy this time. he also avoided having a fever (99.9 was the highest temperature i took compared with 103 last time).

everyone comments that he's large for his age. at 27 1/2" (90th percentile), it isn't surprising, although he's only 16 lbs, 4 oz (50th percentile).

yesterday i bought a new pair of pyjamas from baby gap in size 6 to 12 months, although he still fits into his 3-6 months. because cloth diapers are bulkier, i try to use them when we're at home. hardly any of his pants and onesies fit over them. two new wool pants are arriving soon from new zealand (thank you catherine!), which i think will be perfect over the cloth diapers.

i also ordered a few more cloth diapers including two sustainablebabyish bamboo fleece fitteds for overnights. this past week was a first in the diaper leaking department. since he's been nursing so frequently at night, we now need to change his diaper at least once between 7 pm and 5 am. a few nights ago there was a bedwetting incident. and two nights ago matthew didn't snap his onesie over the diaper. i awoke to find my hand in a dirty diaper that leon had managed to pull off. note to all new mamas--a blowout is bad, but this is much worse. snap those onesies and pyjamas!!

i bought a luxe baby wool diaper cover. yes, we're finally starting wool covers, which are expensive but hopefully worth it in the long run. they're more breathable than the PUL waterproof covers, and i like that you can air them out between uses. i also bought (yes, i know, i've been buying a lot of things for leon!) a snuggle wool blanket for the side-car'd crib. i'm hoping this will make crib-sleeping more attractive to leon. i don't mind sharing the bedroom with him, nor do i mind him rolling over onto our bed, but it would be nice to have more space. it is only a full sized mattress, after all.

as you can see from the photos, our house isn't babyproofed. leon is starting to creep fairly efficiently which means that he no longer stays on our prescribed padded floor covering. there are cords and sharp corners and all sorts of things that he can now access.

the future is now!

6 months

2009-08-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

leon is one crazy funny kid. we've been playing hide and go seek on the bed. i hide behind a piled up blanket and pop my head up at various points. leon thinks it's the most hilarious thing and laughs hysterically while wiggling and flopping like a seal.

he is also trying his damndest to crawl. this means more push-ups, but he still hasn't figured out how to get up on his knees. this frustrates him to no end. i prescribed more tummy time, which he does somewhat grudgingly. like me, patience isn't one of his strong suits.

i also find it fascinating that his favorite objects are paper and electronics. even trying to edit my chapter is a perilous task because his sticky little hands are constantly trying to grab the sheets of paper and stuff them into his mouth. crinkly plastic is also a major draw.

sitting, crawling, walking, eating solids. i feel like all of these things are going to happen in rapid succession very very soon. let's hope his sleep schedule settles down soon, too.

speaking of crawling, does anyone have recommendations for padded floor mats? i like the skip hop foam tiles, but i have a feeling that the cats would completely destroy them in about two days. even the cheaper foam tiles would suffer the same fate. i don't know, but the thought of having to clean up the ripped up foam bits every day is unappealing.

sophie is shrinking

2009-08-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

1 month

5 1/2 months

the best thing about going to a new mothers' group is that you get to see just how much your baby has grown. the first 2-4 weeks are so hazy in my mind. i tried my best to keep a hold of the first moments with leon, with his squishy softness and strange dinosaur noises, but now i have a hard time believing that the 4 week olds aren't actually 2 weeks. they all look so tiny and helpless to me in comparison with my robust nearly 6 month old. it's nice to keep some perspective on leon's growth and to also remind myself that every stage of his life so far has been fascinating, challenging, and equally wonderful.

the many faces of leon

2009-08-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

the pugilist

the bored aristocrat

the darling

leon is holding steady with his sleep patterns. a 4 hour stretch in the late evening, and then 2-3 hour segments before waking up at 5.30-6am. this morning he napped for 1.5 hours. it was truly amazing. the afternoon? not so much.

the car ride to and from middlebury, vt., was very rough. he managed to sleep a solid hour each way, but otherwise spent his time crying, crying, and crying. i stopped pretty frequently to change his diaper and feed him. at one point i pulled over to check his temperature, i was so worried that he had a fever. my voice was hoarse by the end of the trip because i sang to him non-stop. poor leon. for a kid who doesn't really nap, it's pretty boring and frustrating to be stuck in the back of the car alone for hours. the only way he'll become sleepy is if he plays or is active. strapped into a car seat, his only option is to cry until he's exhausted.

everything else is taking a backseat to leon. i was jogging at least three times a week, but not so much in the past few weeks. i feel completely worn out, more than a little ragged around the edges. carrying him around all day feels like enough of a work-out, but i know i'd probably feel better if i continued exercising. my baby development books warns that spoiling your child can begin as early as 5.5 months. this is probably the last thing i should be worrying about, but it's hard to keep him active and engaged every single minute of the day. the second i stop playing with him, the whining begins. i'm suppposed to avoid the intentional cry, and yet it doesn't look like i'll be successful on this front. leon is always 'on,' except for those rare moments when he's sleeping. he doesn't know how to keep himself amused for even a minute. i am looking forward to the day when i can eat my lunch without him in my lap. the hardest part is trying to keep the food and plates away from his grabby little hands. no wonder i'm turning into a wraith.

this has been frustrating, exhausting, and emotionally draining. i used to tell myself that it would get better, but after 5 months, it is what it is. it isn't really an issue of things getting better. things change, new challenges arise. but he's such a little charmer. all i can do is keep moving and enjoy the good moments without overthinking the bad.

last days of the hadagi

2009-08-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

2 months old

5 months old

makie needs to make these for 0-12 months. they are by far my favorite piece of clothing for leon. i am skeptical that the 0-6 month version will last very long, so his hadagi-days may be coming to a close...

cloth diapering

2009-07-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

leon uses a cloth diaper part time. the main issues for us are money and time. there's a coin-op washer and dryer in the basement, so washing 16 prefolds and 6 covers every 4-6 days costs an extra $4.50 per load (two washes, cold and then hot, and a dry). the diaper service is about $20 a week, which ends up being as expensive as our disposables. the reason why i like cloth is because it allows for a closer fit and leon's skin looks better (although he never had really bad rashes). i usually do laundry at night when he's sleeping, and so far it hasn't been too much extra work.

i decided to go with prefolds because they're simple, easy to use with a snappi, and quick to wash and dry without worrying too much about stains because they're so cheap ($2-3 each). the apple cheeks cover (the red one) is actually lined in microfleece and has a pocket for an insert. supposedly it agitates out in the wash so that you don't have to take it out before putting it in your diaper bag. i think the size 2 (18-40 lbs) fits leon a little too big, but no leaks so far with a prefold. i haven't tried an insert yet, but i do have two bamboo prefolds that are small enough to fit in the envelope, so i'll try that this week. i don't know if it's because it's too large, but this cover definitely gives leon a bubble-butt. plus the elastic is a bit ruffly, adding to the poofiness of the whole look. the thirsties duo-wrap (size 2) is definitely too big and will easily fit leon as he gets bigger. i'm not so sure about the apple cheeks... but at any rate, the duo wrap hasn't given us any issues, and it's a bit cheaper than the apple cheeks. normally i prefer snaps to velcro/aplix, but the laundry tabs on the thirsties have been doing their job so far.

i don't think i'll switch to full-time cloth diapering. when you're outside for more than a few hours, you end up carrying a lot of bulk if you bring cloth diapers. eventually i'll have to carry more stuff than i do now, but i'm going to try to avoid that for as long as possible. i am glad, however, that i didn't try cloth in the beginning. 12-16 diaper changes a day would have driven me crazy. now it's more like 6-8, which is fairly manageable. the only annoying thing about cloth is that i need to size up in bottoms and onesies because leon's regular size doesn't fit over the covers. a t-shirt and diaper cover works for now, but winter will be trickier.

shopping for fall

2009-07-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

maybe it's because today was cool and rainy, but i'm already looking forward to leon's fall wardrobe. this little jersey coat would be perfect with one of catherine's wool pants. plus a pair of lambskin booties, a merino long sleeve kimono top, and leon's bieq mia knitted hat in the cheeriest yellow, and he's set for crisp autumnal strolls.

we're also trying out applecheeks diaper covers. they have the most beautiful colors that i've seen so far.

*EOWE for 10% off and free shipping on Boden. i just ordered the coat for leon.

swinging

2009-07-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

the best part is when a look of concern flashes across his face right before he erupts in laughter again.

less than cheerful moments

2009-07-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

leon is not an easy baby. he demands your attention, loves to be in the thick of things, and bores easily. we've had a week of rough nights, 5-6 feedings from midnight until 8 am. my dissertation has screeched to a standstill as i try to maintain some level of sanity. he also has no problem telling you his complaints, as you can see in these photos. but as hard as it has been for nearly five months, i can't help but find his sad and pensive faces to be just as endearing as his wide-eyed smiles. plus, i adore kissing his chubby, frowny cheeks when he's pouting.

we're also experimenting with cloth diapers. there's a shop in somerville that offers trial packages. you pay $25 to try out 8 different diapers. whatever you don't like, you return. the rest you buy. right now we're planning to cloth diaper half-time. as for disposables, a friend recommended nature baby care diapers, and we love them. haven't had a single blowout in over 3 weeks, they fit Leon well (the sizing runs small), and are soft. we had quite a few blowouts with the seventh generation diapers, and the whole foods 365 diapers are too stiff for my liking. who knows whether i'll stick with cloth diapers, but so far i've enjoyed trying them out. even with a coin-op in the basement, laundry hasn't been too onerous.

touch your toes, touch your nose

2009-07-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

nyc must have done wonders for leon. ever since we returned, he's been rolling from side to side, grabbing plates and cups, pulling his socks off, and finally rolling onto his back. he 'talks' nearly constantly, mimicking sounds that i make, and can't stop wiggling. we throw him up in the air and his giggles are incandescent. one of these days we'll get it on video.

leon had a fever of 103.1 from the vaccines two weeks ago, but we kept on with the tylenol until he was back to normal. i hope he doesn't continue to have bad reactions to his vaccines, especially since there are so many left to take.

behold, leon's second rollover. the first happened while i was sorting papers next to him. i heard a thud, and there he was, frowning at me instead of doing tummy time. he's also quite good at wiggling on his tummy so that he slowly turns like the hands on a clock.

4 month check-up

2009-06-24T13:05:00.001-07:00

today was leon's 4 month check-up (14 lbs, 9 oz., and 26 inches long), which meant vaccine day. we gave him tylenol as soon as we made it back home, but his crying has been pretty intense. poor baby can hardly bring himself to nurse, he's so unhappy.

i want my funny little bunny back.

up to no good

2009-06-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

last night he slept from 7.40 pm until 5 am. unfortunately for me, i didn't fall asleep until 1 am. he may run me ragged, but when he's sleeping, i really miss him.

this morning we took a bath together. it was so wonderful to snuggle with him, and remarkably easy to get him clean. i usually have trouble washing his backside in the baby tub, but today all i did was turn him tummy-to-tummy. i think we're going to try doing this more frequently. he really seems to enjoy churning his legs and arms in the water.

month 4: limits

2009-06-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

lately we have been testing each others' limits.

i know i talk a lot about leon's sleep patterns, but that's not because i resent waking up every 2-3 hours from midnight to 8 am. i don't know why, but i wake up fully rested most days, even when i feed him 5 times during the night--maybe it's the hormones. when in doubt, i blame everything on the hormones, including all that hair that keeps falling out.

mainly i'm perturbed because he's up all day long, manic, cranky, playful, hungry, and everything in between. you'd think the little guy would benefit from long chunks of restful sleep, but we're lucky if he sleeps 4 hours in a single stretch. but we seem to be reading each other's signals incorrectly, so naps are hard to come by in this household. i wait until he's lost interest in playing, check to see if he's hungry, and then i bring him into the darkened bedroom, turn on the air filter, and gently swing him down into the crib. sadly i don't have the option of tossing a freshly dried towel on the sheets to warm them, but i do keep my hands on leon for 10-20 minutes. as i tiptoe away, he begins crying.

last night leon was sorely tested by his parents. we decided to go to a birthday barbecue that began at 7pm. by 8pm leon was cranky. to make matters worse, we still hadn't eaten anything, although matthew had had a beer or two. by 8.40, i had fed leon 3 times, desperately hoping to calm him. still no food for me, though. at 8.50, the cries were so intense that i fled the house, running toward the car with leon in my arms, both of us crying and miserable. he continued wailing in the car, and it was only when i laid him in our bed and nursed him down that he fell asleep.

we should have known better because for the past week leon has been going to bed at 8.30-9pm. he'll wake up around 10.30 for a snack, and then back to sleep until around 2am. at this point his 2-3 hours sleep cycle begins.

when he has a good night's rest, leon is so sweet and cheerful. he wakes up with a huge grin on his face, cuddles and laughs, rocks his tummy time and diligently plays with all of his toys. i don't want to 'sleep-train' leon, obviously, but i do think that he would benefit from longer naps. he's also a wonderfully intense and observant person, so i don't mind playing with him for hours on end. it's especially nice that he falls asleep around 8.30pm, which means i can spend more time writing in the evenings.

week 15

2009-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

this is the week in which leon began grabbing everything and anything. toys, my face, hair (ouch), clothing, his own hair (double ouch). he is also practicing rolling from his back to his side, with a little help from us. three nights ago he decided to go to bed at 8.30 pm, sleep until 10.30, then back to bed until 2.30 am, and then at 5.30 am, he's up and ready for the new day. although he still isn't sleeping more than 5 hours at a time, if even that, this is wonderful news for me, the dissertation writer.

basically we get up at 8am. bath time before lunch, maybe a 30 minute nap if we're lucky, and then dinner at 6pm. sometimes we go to the park (he sleeps in the stroller), sometimes we have la leche league or a grocery store run, but mainly i spend my days amusing leon. if i even look away, he starts shrieking. i still feed him at least every two hours until 8pm, but it's more like once an hour. after leon falls asleep, i try to write until midnight.

so far i've written two pages this week. my new goal is to have 5 pages every week this month.

leon's baek-il

2009-06-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

100 days old
june 2, 2009

mr. giggles

2009-06-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

week 14: a new trick up his sleeves

2009-06-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

dr. jekyll, mr. hyde

2009-05-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

behold leon's new high-pitched screaming technique. note his new found ability to push back with his legs while arching his back.

two seconds later, when leon realized that i was paying attention to him.

i'd like to think that he's so in love with me that he can't help but express his extreme displeasure when i look away. but in reality, he's probably just sleepy.

week 13

2009-05-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

i don't know how it happened, but leon is like a different baby. he's longer, chubbier, and uses his hands and feet in a more coordinated manner. a friend gave leon an octopus soft toy, and i was shocked to see him actually play with it. for the past few weeks i've offered various toys to him, but he didn't quite know how to use his hands. as exciting as the first two months were in terms of development, now i eagerly look forward to his daily discoveries. it certainly ameliorates the screaming fits before naps and bedtime, along with the night feedings (2-3 times).

the same friend who gave leon the toy is also an academic mother with a 2.5 year old. she chose to have a baby after finishing the dissertation but agreed with me that it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. sure, she has a job, but it isn't tenure-track. furthermore, with a wriggly active toddler, it's exceedingly hard for her to write, let alone do research on new projects or attend conferences, which are helpful for getting that tenure-track job. like me, she has an architect husband, so pretty much all of the housekeeping and parenting duties are her job, along with a full-time teaching load. she wasn't able to breastfeed, but this allowed her to get back to teaching quickly. however, once her son started walking, it's been pretty hectic.

i don't know how parents manage it, but i know eventually leon and i will figure things out. i'm trying to be patient, but time is running out for the dissertation. i have three months to complete a draft before going on the job market. i just met with one of my advisers who told me to scrap most of what i have (all 100 pages). i'll be able to salvage quite a bit, but following her advice requires a massive reconceptualization of my topic and theoretical framework. i definitely feel galvanized by her suggestions, but it's nonetheless daunting. leon does not make it easy. but oh how i love to squeeze his chubby thighs and tickle him under his triple chin.

the most important milestone

2009-05-10T07:15:00.001-07:00

well, not really. i mean, i think touching his toe was an accident because he hasn't repeated the feat in a few days. but i seriously consider toe-grabbing to be the cutest thing a baby can do. i hope leon isn't too embarrassed that i've posted a photo of him without any pants or underwear on.

still isn't sleeping more than 4 hours at night, still likes to cluster feed once an hour (at least) for four to six hours in a row, still has the startle reflex, and still makes me laugh more than he makes me cry.

happy mother's day.

this little scamp of mine

2009-05-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

leon laughed for the first time three days ago while taking his bath. i was washing his chin and neck when all of a sudden he chucked heartily. he has also become very grabby with his clothing, and i've noticed that he prefers his left hand to his right.

also, for a few days he was chewing on his lower lip whenever he felt frustrated or concerned. bath time can be nerve-wracking, especially when we're lifting him out of the tub. i was worried this would become a long-term habit. but, as i'm quickly learning, babies are anything but predictable. last night i was able to photograph his new coping mechanism--the pout.

on food and eating

2009-05-04T13:50:00.001-07:00

leon and sophie at 10 weeks

wishing he could have fried clams, too...

some hopelessly optimistic part of me thought that by 2 1/2 months leon's feeding schedule would be less time-consuming. sometimes he'll sleep for 4 hours, once in awhile there's a 3 hour nap, but in general, i'm still feeding at least every 2 hours. the hardest part is that his super quick feeding sessions (4-6 minutes) are now dragging on for 15-20 minutes. it think it's often used as a soothing method because he definitely could stay latched on for an hour while sleeping. as my la lech league leaders like to say, he's moved on to non-nutritive sucking.

at what point am i going to stop obsessively writing down every feeding session and dirty diaper?
here's my day so far:
7.58--8 minutes
breakfast
10.18--15 minutes, pee, poo
lunch no.1
11.39--7 minutes, pee, poo
12.07--15 minutes
walk to post office
2.09--7 minutes, pee, poo
lunch no.2
3.30--10 minutes
4.36--10 minutes, pee, poo
wait anxiously for matthew to come home so i can get back to my chapter. i managed to write a page yesterday during a particularly long (1 hour) nap.

if you think about it, when i'm feeding him every 2 hours (this is optimistic), 10-15 minutes are spent nursing. another 10 minutes will be used up with diaper changes, burping, etc. as i am typing this, leon is staring at me, whining every time i look away. i have now mastered typing and interacting with him without looking at the keyboard.

every 2 hours means i might have 70-80 minutes to get work done. unfortunately, there's at least a 4-6 hour block every day when he's feeding once an hour. this equals 30-40 minutes to eat, use the restroom, check my email, and write. when he's screaming and flailing about, all i do is soothe him until the next feeding session.

oh dear, there he goes again....

new bouncer

2009-04-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

bought this baby bjorn baby sitter 1-2-3 (now discontinued) at a children's consignment shop for $30. they usually go for $60-90 on ebay and craigslist, so i've been feeling inordinately pleased with myself. sometimes leon loves his bouncer, sometimes not so much. but i can bring it into the bathroom when i'm showering so he won't become upset. huge brownie points for whoever came up with the design! he also loves his aden+anais muslin wraps. they're so soft and cuddly, i wish they came in grown up sizes--perfect as summer bedding.

vaccines and colic

2009-04-30T19:19:00.001-07:00

leon had his first DTaP vaccine on friday. now, i'm not an anti-vaccine person, although i hate seeing my baby in pain even for a tiny moment, but there is something strange about his behavior since then.

4 hours after the vaccine, leon woke up from a nap screaming at the top of his lungs. i tried feeding him, but he was super unhappy. he continued to wail for over 2 hours before matthew called the doctor. they told us to give him infant tylenol because he had a low fever (99-100 degrees) and was crying. he continued crying for another hour, no matter how hard we tried to soothe him. the vaccine info sheet says that inconsolable crying for more than 3 hours is considered a severe reaction and may result in him not continuing the booster shots. well, we'll see what the pediatrician has to say about that.

the next day his fever persisted, and the crying kept on going. we gave him more tylenol throughout the day. now, leon is an intense baby, but whenever he cries, i can usually localize the problem. there's the whine-cry that comes when he's sleepy but can't quite fall asleep. the sharp, sudden high-pitched cry means a diaper change (i.e., he just wet the diaper and needs it changed RIGHT NOW). there's also the hunger cry, which takes on a funny rhythm, almost like a cry-grunt. and when he's bored, well, that's a less severe cry.

but this new cry is really something else. it keeps going and going, he whips himself into a frenzy and starts choking because he's taking sharp fast breaths. his face and body turn red, and he seems so furious.

the fever subsided by the end of the second day, but i've noticed that he cries like this beginning around 7pm now. i'll feed him, put him down so i can eat dinner, and the crying commences. matthew picks him up and tries to soothe him, but the cries only intensify. i wait for as long as i can take it, and then i stop eating my dinner, run to leon, scoop him up, and the crying stops. he looks at me, and my response is: can you possibly still be hungry after eating for a solid 15 minutes 20 minutes ago? the answer is yes. so i feed him again for another 20 minutes. and then, if i'm lucky like tonight, he drifts off to sleep. if i'm unlucky, the cycle starts all over again. a diaper is changed, happy gurgling, and then in a flash, screaming and wailing that comes out of nowhere.

is this colic? is this a side effect of the vaccine? i don't know, but it's wearing us out. we've tried giving him the pacifier, but he keeps spitting it out. he wants me. this means feeding for 15 minutes and then sleeping and sucking for 20 minutes more before my arms fall asleep.

can a baby develop colic after 9 weeks? i don't know. but i suspect this new crying has something to do with the vaccine. he's always been a difficult to soothe baby, but the ferocity of his cry has completely taken us by surprise. usually it's a constant pathetic whine that is punctuated by sharp cries. i don't know what to do, but it seems that something is not right with him. i wish i knew what it was. i can't tell if he's hurting, or if it's more of a psychological thing. maybe he's going through a major growth spurt and is mighty pissed with me because i'm not feeding him every 20 minutes? he's a lucky boy that his mama doesn't have a milk supply issue. i am hoping things will improve next week. evenings and nights are the toughest. the only thing that keeps us going is that he wakes up in the morning smiling and chuckling as if the past 12 hours were a dream. if it weren't for those moments, i would be in a sorry state right now.

9 weeks

2009-04-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

a moment of calm....

the soundtrack to my life

8 weeks

2009-04-20T05:08:00.001-07:00

march 28

april 7

april 15

is sophie getting smaller? i wish i had started taking photos with sophie earlier, but oh well. i'm not disciplined enough. i tried to take a belly photo every week, but i lost my resolve at about week 34. one of these days i'll make a collage of them for this blog.

leon is 8 weeks old now, and all i can say is that he is I-N-T-E-N-S-E. i don't want to say he's difficult, or 'bad,' because really, it's just that he's easily bored and very impatient (like his mom). things haven't gotten easier in terms of his personality, but we sleep more and breastfeeding is less difficult--although i had to pump the past two nights in order to prevent engorgement yet again.

maybe extra sleep makes his behavior more tolerable for me. or maybe i'm getting used to his outbursts. but what i thought was slow improvement 3 weeks ago has stalled, maybe even regressed. i've put him in a sling, jiggled, whooshed, sung, strolled, cuddled, danced, rocked, swaddled, tummy timed, bathed, walked away, counted to 10, and started all over again.

i'm not sure what to do about his intense need to suck. not a huge fan of pacifiers (they get dirty, cover his adorable face, etc...). i have this paranoid fear that he will become dependant on them for soothing. but at the same time, this human pacifier is becoming increasingly worn out. so, i'm basically waiting, hoping he'll start sucking his fist. in the meantime, a finger is offered when he's particularly inconsolable. for the most part, though, constant work on my part to keep the Gummi Bear amused has been successful.

this just means that i've done absolutely no work since he was born. 8 weeks of trying out various soothing methods, wondering whether my decision to postpone/forgoe the bottle and the pacifier is going to set my dissertation back. wondering whether i'll actually finish the thing and graduate in a year. receiving a letter from Sallie Mae about my undergrad loan deferment, worrying that i'm not doing enough for my career, for leon.

so, i have a guest lecture to give in 9 days for my adviser's class on suburbs. i'm going to present part of a chapter that i haphazardly wrote while in labor. it should be pretty lowkey, but i've procrastinated long enough. if the weather holds today, i might go to the nursery to buy plants for the deck with leon and my mom (she's leaving friday). but really, i need to get work done. it's just difficult to step away from leon when he's either crying or smiling. boy, i wish he would nap more during the day.

brunch outfit

2009-04-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

nature baby singlet

nature baby footie

flora and henri lap tee

oeuf alpaca necktie

in the past week or so we've started venturing out in spite of this schizophrenic weather. nursing and diaper changes continue to be challenging, but having now nursed and changed diapers twice in the car (uncomfortable) and once at the saks womens' lounge (easy), we're starting to get the hang of it. leon definitely prefers being out in noisy places. he falls asleep pretty quickly and doesn't make a peep until he's hungry.

on saturday matthew, leon, and i went to sofra bakery to have brunch with stephanie and sean. leon had a great time getting dressed. that boy definitely loves his stripes.

freedom is now!

2009-04-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

in the p-sling, waiting to go outside

channeling robert mapplethorpe

delightful, scrumptious thighs

like me, his hair is curly when wet

this week has been so much better than the previous 5. thank you for all of your comments, i know every day is going to bring its own share of challenges and rewards, but i'm finally starting to feel that things are improving.

leon slept 4 hours twice this week, which was somewhat unnerving (but great). because i produce so much milk, i usually have to pump at least once every couple of days. otherwise, poor leon gets more than he can handle, and i'm a hormonal trainwreck. i'm hoping things will start settling down soon, but i'm grateful that i don't have to worry about not producing enough milk.

also, this week leon and i ventured outside twice! once in the p-sling, which he is starting to love. my shoulder isn't as happy, but i'm going to my local babywearing group in two weeks for advice. we also finally took the stroller out for a walk to school. i wanted to attend part of a conference, so matthew and i took turns watching leon. he slept pretty much the whole time, even when i kept running into trash cans (trash day...) he didn't seem to mind at all.

next thursday is my la leche league meeting, which will hopefully give me the support i need. leon never eats for longer than 15 minutes. i can't tell if he's just a super efficient eater or what, but he's certainly putting on the pounds without any problem. the main thing is, i think he has trouble latching on. i'm not sure if he's tongue-tied, but that could be one reason for the short, frequent feeding sessions. per catherine's suggestion, i've been feeding on the same side twice when they last for less than 5 minutes, but this is hard to do without serious engorgement issues. so, back to the pump i go.

i'm still pretty frustrated that i can't get any of my own work done. i've started back up on my adviser's book illustration project (yay for getting paid), but my chapters are sitting neglected. i know i should slow down and enjoy these early months with leon. he's growing so quickly, and there are so many emotions and thoughts running through my head that it seems silly to add extra stress. i'm already nostalgic for my scrawny little newborn, but i'm also enjoying his new facial expressions (smiles) and sounds (almost baby-like rather than dinosaur-like). it is so hard to juggle my desire to keep working on my dissertation with wanting to nap all day long next to his warm heavy weight, jerky movements, and pinchable chubby thighs.

six weeks today, and spring has yet to arrive. we are looking forward to sitting outside and sipping morrocan mint tea.

emerging from the trenches

2009-03-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

matthew propped up a few eames cards for leon since he was looking a bit bored with his crib. i'm so happy that leon can see things now, although that means we now have to work much harder to keep him amused.

so, it's been 5 weeks now since leon was born. a lot has happened, and yet a lot hasn't happened. the first 2 weeks were great. leon rarely cried or fussed. even though i was having a hard time breast-feeding (ouch), he was gaining weight like a pro. i had lost a lot of the baby weight immediately and was feeling confident that my body would bounce back in no time once my stitches healed.

our troubles began during week 3. the day after leon and i went to a post partum support group, he was inconsolable. all day long he fussed, grunting and whining. i couldn't leave his side and went nearly mad trying to figure out how to make him happier. the next day was better, but feedings became more difficult. he would eat for shorter periods (3-5 minutes), stop, and then commence screaming at my breast. i tried not to take it personally. it got so bad that i would try to force him on, and he would scream and push me away, which obviously isn't a good tactic on my part. at one point during the night i made matthew take him away from me because i was about to lose it.

ever since then, we have good feedings, and then we have really awful ones. often he will stop eating if he has a poopy diaper. after this happens, he starts screaming until we change it. he also will stop feeding and begin writhing violently while crying at least 4 times in a 24 hour period. i suspect that he's constipated, but i don't know how to make it better, so i rub his belly, burp him, and hope for the best.

oh yes. my life revolves around leon's digestive system.

a huge part of the problem is that leon and i are having a really hard time getting to know each other. i'm terrible at reading him, and well, he's just a baby, so i can't expect him to do much in return. when he turns bright red, i know he's about to start his high-pitched wail, so i scoop him up immediately and try to soothe him with a little bouncing. this doesn't always work. i check his diaper, offer him something to eat, and then bounce him some more. sometimes there's a diaper leakage issue, so i check for that, too.

leon feeds an average of 14 times a day, which equals 12-16 diaper changes. i thought things would get better after 4 weeks, but no such luck. after a feeding, it takes him about 20 minutes to settle. 30 minutes later, he's waking up again and preparing to feed. a diaper change and feeding later, the cycle begins again.

the pregnancy was easy. yes i was tired and nauseated, my joints ached, and i was intensely uncomfortable. but i was able to get work done through sheer determination.

the labor and delivery wasn't easy, but it was manageable. i have a high tolerance for pain, and knowing it would end within a day or so helped me get through it.

the past 5 weeks haven't been easy. i won't lie and say that all this hard work is worth is because i have an adorable baby. i don't know what anything's worth right now because i'm in the thick of things...and it's been very very hard on me. it would be great if matthew were home more to relieve me of a crying leon. my mother has been a huge help, especially when i was sick for a week with a low fever, chills, body aches, etc. unfortunately, she has been sick with a persistent, nasty cold for the past week, which means i've had to take care of her, leon, and the household chores. i know i can't get much of my own work done right now, but it would be nice to read an article once in awhile, just to remind myself of who i was and who i could become.

and yet, things are slowly getting better. leon sleeps more often in the bed with us, which helps with nighttime feedings. i'm also very careful not to force him during feedings. if he stops, that means something's the matter. so i burp him, check his diaper, and try to keep him in a calm state. i've begun jogging, which makes me feel ten times better during the rest of the day. i know i still have a long way to go before i feel like my body is back to normal, but just being able to go outside makes a huge difference.

i know i'll be in a much better place mentally and physically in a month or two, but that sense of perspective doesn't help me tremendously right now. it's difficult to go from grad student writing a dissertation to full-time parent. i would say that of everything that's going on right now, breast feeding is by far the most difficult thing i've ever done. i often think of quitting, but then i see how well he's growing and gaining weight, and that makes it hard for me to stop.

it will get better. it will get better. until then, every day is a challenge, every nap a small victory....

getting dressed is such a chore

2009-03-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

onesie by stephanie
jelly baby changing pad

newborn sized diapers are getting too tight...

flora and henri lap-tee

makie hadagi

you'd think any son of mine would love getting dressed in the morning. poor leon, his patience is sorely tested as i try out various outfits on him. just wait until he's older. we'll both be late for appointments due to last-minute wardrobe changes.

one month old

2009-03-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

tummy-time with a little help from matthew.
hospital weight and length: 6 lbs, 4 oz, 19.5 inches
yesterday at the pediatrician: 9 lbs, 4 oz, 23.4 inches

likes:
eating every 1 hour
warm hands and feet
taking a tour of the house
lifting head and attempting to roll over
eating every 2 hours
baths

dislikes:
naps
laying on back
quiet-time
dirty diapers
diaper changes
waiting for food

planning our great escape

2009-03-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

today leon saw the world for the first time. i held him over my shoulder and he was utterly silent (a welcome respite), his eyes darting and focusing on his surroundings. when i held him in front of our large bay window, i could finally tell that he was able to see something.

the number of times i've left the house since he was born.
pediatrician--4 times
midwife--once
postpartum support group--once
school--once for a lecture
grocery store--2 times
walk around the block--2 times
coffee shop--once

my mother is keeping me under house arrest for one month. last thursday when i had a low fever, body chills, migraine, and engorgement for two days, i could tell she felt vindicated. i haven't left the house since thursday, except to water the plants on the deck once. i know i'm so lucky to have someone cooking, cleaning, and helping with leon, but it can be very frustrating when you're told that asian bodies are different and therefore i can't leave the house and can only eat and drink hot things for the first three weeks. i could go on and on, but instead leon and i are planning our escape.

the weather is steadily improving and spring break is next week. i haven't worn my new mayle mirabelle dress yet, so i think it's time to make reservations at craigie on main to finally have my birthday dinner, two months late.

and next week my mother and i have massages in arlington, so maybe leon will finally get to go outside. his stroller (micralite toro) arrived last week, but since i didn't buy a carrycot, i'm not sure he'll be able to use it for a few more months. we bought it on ebay for half off, and it arrived new in box with the warranty card and everything. if we hadn't bought it for so cheap, we would have ordere the maclaren techno xt. i'm so over $600+ strollers!

different is different

2009-03-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

39 weeks, final belly shot

41 weeks

rings still don't fit

post-delivery, everything about my body is different. my fingers are still so swollen that i can't even get my rings past the second knuckle. matthew's wedding band, however, fits. i've heard that sometimes your ring and shoe size never goes back. i hope the swelling goes down soon, i haven't worn my rings in over two months. i might give my mom back her diamond (top ring) and have my original wedding set re-sized if they still don't fit come summertime.

i lost about 10 lbs immediately following leon's birth, which means i have about 8 lbs and 3 inches off my waist to go. even though i can fit into my clothing (more or less), my belly is soft. right now the extra skin and fat is welcome because i can rest leon on it while nursing. all those boppy pillows stress me out more than they help with positioning. plus, he's into snacking, so my arms aren't killing me--yet. i am counting down the days until i can jog again, but even with my mom's cooking, breastfeeding seems to be burning the calories. and oh yes, proper posture is essential. my back is killing me. having never needed to wear a bra before, i feel like i've embarked on a strange new relationship with my body. that and the need to feed leon at least every 3 hours or else i have to pump just to get some relief. hopefully my milk supply and leon's feeding schedule will eventually reach a happy medium.

i sleep 2-3 hours at a time, but after the first two nights, i don't mind so much. it's amazing how quickly i've adapted to nighttime nursing. leon doesn't cry too often, although yesterday he whined all day long because he was tired and cranky from the previous day's activities (pediatrician and postpartum support group). i've learned my lesson. leon is staying home and napping until he's a little bit older. yesterday was super hard. i thought i could start working on my dissertation again this week, but dealing with a cranky inconsolable newborn set me straight. he's usually very alert and accommodating, but yesterday he discovered the power of crying and fussing. i don't think i left his side for more than 20 minutes.

we're still fond of him, even at his crankiest.

chunky express

2009-03-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

leon left the hospital at 6lbs, 4oz. he was diagnosed with mild jaundice, and the pediatrician told me to supplement his feeding with pumped breastmilk or formula. she said it so casually, without even asking me if i had any concerns about introducing a bottle so early on. i was incensed. she told us to buy an electric pump (expensive!) but that it wouldn't be covered by our insurance since it wasn't 'medically necessary.' i used a hand pump, but leon wasn't interested in the bottle. the next day we returned to the pediatrician. he had gained 4oz. in one day. she was shocked when i told her that it was all from nursing. she then said, 'well, in that case, you don't need to pump.' and that was it. i felt so annoyed because agreeing to use a bottle was a big deal for me. i'm just happy that my boy is gaining weight. we've been having some latching issues, but it's getting better, and clearly he hasn't had any problems getting the nutrition he needs. he's still tiny, but i've no doubt he's going to be a roly-poly in no time.

dance of the gummi bear

2009-03-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

leon's birthing day

2009-03-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

for leon, who has the hiccups but is still hoping for more food...

i think it started saturday night when i received an email from my adviser wondering whether i could turn in my dissertation outline and a second chapter by sunday. having not communicated with him about my writing for nearly a month, i had assumed he was going to let me float by for old time's sake. i immediately started panicking--i stayed up until 1am finishing the outline, and then went to bed. needless to say, the belly wasn't feeling well. i assumed it was nerves.

the next morning i awoke at 8am, went to the bathroom and found a bit of bloody show. i reread my adviser's email, which stated he needed to see two chapters in order to write my finishing grant letter of recommendation, and that i should just 'try.'

i immediately sat on my yoga ball and began tapping away furiously at the laptop. my sporadic braxton hicks contractions started to feel suspiciously consistent, but i decided against timing them. matthew woke up soon after and left for a shift at the coffeeshop. he would be gone until 3, and then a haircut appointment at 4.30. i asked him to leave the car because i was becoming nervous.

at 10am i emailed my doula to tell her about the mucous plug and the contractions, which were definitely developing a pattern. on a scale of 1 to 10 for menstrual cramps, they went from a 1 (that nagging, bland ache) to a 2 or 3 (general annoyance).

my phone rings at 11 am. it's my adviser. this man rarely gets up before noon, so now i know i'm in trouble. he asks how i'm doing. 'fine,' i say, somewhat evasively. 'what does that mean?' he asks. 'mmmm, well....i'm having contractions, it's the early stage of labor.' 'oh,' he replies, 'but did you get my email?' 'yes, i'll get you something by 3 or 4 this afternoon, i'm really really sorry.' 'i need to see two chapters, you know, in order to write this letter. the chapter you sent is long, it could easily be split into two chapters, maybe, but you should just try to get me a second chapter today.' 'ok, don't worry, i'll send you a second chapter. did you read my outline?' 'uh, no, i haven't checked my email yet...' 'oh, ok, because it's like 12 pages long. i'll send you the chapter on planning today.' 'good. all right, talk to you later.' 'bye.'

it's now 12pm, and i've begun keeping track of the contractions. they're 1 minute long and 10 minutes apart. in terms of the level of pain, they're now hovering around 4. not enough to take your breath away, but definitely enough that you want to curl up in a ball and watch 'pride and prejudice' with a mug of hot cocoa.

my mom is clattering about in the kitchen, and i stagger out for a piece of toast. as usual, she's cooking something delicious smelling. i tell her in my calmest voice that i had bloody show this morning and now light contractions, but not to get excited because this could take a day or two. she's excited, i'm stressed. i go back to my yoga ball and finish up a section of the new chapter.

at 2pm i call my doula. she had been having computer problems, so i wanted to check in with her. per my suspicions, she hadn't read the email yet. in fact, her new laptop was in the repair shop. i tell her about everything, and she says that it sounds great and that it's progressing normally. the main thing that interests her is the bloody show. i confirm that there's been more of that. this makes her happy.

during this time i do a little blogging during my mini-breaks, call matthew 2 or 3 times to be snippy about this or that thing that he needs to do around the house. he arrives at 3.30pm and doesn't seem too concerned about my state. a contraction hits and it seems much much worse this time. i suspect it's because i'm so exhausted from doing this alone; seeing matthew makes me emotional. the added emotion accelerates the pain. at 3.50pm i turn to him and say i can't work on this chapter any longer. as soon as it's sent, i begin focusing on the contractions with all my energy.

all of the laboring positions and rituals that we had practiced are thrown out the window. sitting on the yoga ball, walking, or resting on my hands and knees only makes things unbearable. i labor on my side in bed for an hour, and then we call erin, our doula. she suggests that i sit in a warm bath. no relief. instead, it intensifies.

i get back in bed, and i'm freezing. my mom places hot water bottles on my back and between my legs. they leave red blotches on my skin. my feet are like ice blocks, and all i can do is focus on the contractions, which are now 4-5 minutes apart. at this point i've hit 10 on my pain scale. matthew is trying to rub my back, but i'd rather just know that he's here. after all, that's why i hired a massage therapist doula to take care of that aspect of my labor.

the bath clearly has intensified the contractions. my mom has been feeding me throughout the day, huge bowls of soup, rice, fruit, tea, and other filling things. she tries to feed me congee (jjuk), but i can only take a tiny bite in between contractions. a little after 6pm it's like a light has been switched on. during a contraction matthew tries to comfort me, but all i can say is 'i want erin, i want erin...' he calls erin and she listens to me go through a contraction. she decides to come to our house and suggests that we call the hospital, which we haven't done yet.

matthew calls the hospital and passes the phone to me. a midwife i've never met listens to me as i pause for a contraction. she then tells us to head for the hospital. erin arrives 20 minutes later to find me still on my side, breathing and growling through each contraction. she tells me to bring my voice down and keep it soft. this helps immensely with the panic and registering of pain. she helps me use the toilet, where i feel a vague need to push. walking intensifies the contractions, making them stronger and closer together. it takes 30 minutes to make it to the car downstairs. every few steps i crouch down to breathe through a contraction. it's raining outside, and cold. i hoist myself into our car, recline the seat, and labor on my side during the 6 minute car ride. matthew is ever calm, ever reliable, but i feel alone now.

by the time we arrive at the hospital and matthew parks, i can barely keep my eyes open. erin runs to get a wheelchair, and matthew and i start walking toward the front door. the ride up the elevator and to the birthing center is ridiculously long and painful, every bump makes me want to die.

it's nearly 7.30pm when i'm placed on the triage bed. thankfully one of the midwives that we know is working tonight. they put on a heart monitor belt and check my cervix. even turning from my side to my back is a production at this point. i tell them that the amniotic sac still hasn't ruptured. they tell me it's fine and then leila announces that i'm fully dilated. up til this point i hadn't even thought about my cervix, dilation, or the progression of labor, so it was a shock to hear this. i also felt incredibly empowered, knowing that i had labored this baby all day, half of it by myself, and that he would be out sooner rather than later.

they wheel me to the labor and delivery room, and i tell them i think i want to push. they tell me to push if i really need to. i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. they suggest i try different positions. i slowly sit up and turn to face the raised head of the bed. kneeling while holding the top railing, i bear down with the contraction and push twice. after every contraction matthew gives me a sip of water. he's forgotten my vitamin water, but that isn't surprising since we'd only begun packing our bags two days earlier.

the kneeling position isn't my favorite, so i switch to my side. leila and mischa (the nurse) help raise my knees so i can hook my hands under them and pull my legs towards my chest during the push. i look at my surroundings during a pause and am completely disoriented even though we had done a hospital tour last month. i am convinced that the open door with light streaming from it is a door to the hallway and that everyone can hear me. instead of telling someone to close the door for privacy, it becomes a badge of honor for me. i'm so focused and deep in labor that i have no sense of shame. only one thing matters at this point.

after laboring on my side for a while (i lost track of time), they suggested i switch to my back. i was so exhausted from every push because i wasn't conserving my energy or holding back. i hook my hands behind my knees and matthew pushes the pillow to prop me up during the pushes. at this point i can feel something stuck down there, but then it keeps slipping back during my rests. my mom, matthew, erin, leila and mischa are all saying things, but i can only hear bits and pieces. they says things like, 'that was a really good push,' 'do that again,' 'oh you're doing so well...' i have no idea what i'm doing, but at this point my body has really taken over. i used to think it was silly that some people called contractions 'surges,' but that's what they are for me. leila tells me to use the contraction, wait for it to build up before pushing. so i let the waves of terrible godawful pain to push up against me until i can't stand it any longer. then i hold my breath and push deep.

leila tells me that every push is great, and that i need to push him under and around my pelvic bone. i have no idea what this means. repeatedly during the night i ask them how far down he is. they're evasive, telling me only that i'm doing a really good job of laboring him down. i ask them repeatedly to just pull him out if he's so close. erin tells me later that i said matthew should have the next one. i also remember saying at least once that i'm never doing this again, that this is the first and last child for me. my mom replies that i'll forget about the pain, to which i snap, 'no i won't, i'll never forget this.'

i don't what time it is, but leila tells me that since the amniotic sac is still intact, a pediatrician will be there for the birth to make sure the baby is ok. if he doesn't cry immediately, they'll have to take care of him. i tell her not to break the sac because i'm afraid it will intensify the pain. she says that it's in the birth canal at this point and won't do anything to increase the pain. a minute later there's a warm gush of fluid and a slight release in pressure. erin tells me that my pushes are more effective when i don't breathe out. so i bite my upper lip with each push, hoping to keep my breath inside to better harness the energy and strength provided by the pain of each contraction.

leila tells me again to push him under and around the pelvic bone, and i visualize a swooping chute. after a contraction, the next push feels different. it feels productive, as if i'm finally moving something along. leila tells me excitedly to stick with that push, do it again. pushing makes sense to me all of a sudden. i don't know what time it is, but they're getting all sorts of things prepared for his arrival. the pediatrician arrives with an entourage of three other people. they stand next to the warming unit, their arms crossed, chattering about c-sections and other distracting things.

our birth plan consists of two things: 1) do not offer pain medication/interventions, and 2) a quiet environment. erin comes close to my face and begins whispering instructions and encouragement. i tune out the obnoxious pediatrician. even matthew and my mom fade into the hazy background. i focus on her voice and on the pushing. i can smell matthew but i don't know where he is any more. everyone is disembodied. i want this baby out, i'm so sick of having him wedged somewhere up there. leila asks if i want to touch his head and i shake my head no. i'd rather not suffer the disappointment when his head slips back in after the contraction.

there's a flurry of excitement, i can hear it especially in matthew's voice, at a certain point in the evening. they tell me to do another push, so i begin working through 3 or 4 at a time instead of 2. the final push, however, is never quite as good, and they decide to give me oxygen in between contractions. i'm so exhausted at this point from pushing and writing a chapter and everything else that has been going on for the past semester. the pain is beyond reckoning at this point, but i know it's going to end soon.

leila tells me to follow her instructions during the next contraction. i push once, and there's a feeling of simultaneous relief and discomfort. the head is out. another push and the shoulders. one more and the legs. slippery, warm, and wet, a loud squall, and he's on my stomach. he's crying and has a fierce look in his eyes.

i ask what time it is.

it's 9.40pm, feb 22, 2009.

the contraction master

2009-02-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

this is genius.

last post for a while....

in the beginning

2009-02-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

6 years ago...

matthew and the laser cutter

a glimpse of the crib wall. a work in progress. more to come...

the wait begins

2009-02-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

the britax car seat is finally in the car, albeit uninstalled. i called the police department to schedule an safety check, only to be played a message about 'budgetary constraints' and 'no longer offering this service.'

maybe it's the cold, but i'm tired and my brain is slowly curling up in a ball. i need to come up with a paper proposal by tomorrow, but of course i've procrastinated for the past month. there's still a bit of work left to be done for my adviser's book illustrations, yet all i want to do is nap and listen to music. i guess this is what happens when you're 38.5 weeks pregnant. i still need to go into the office next week--yesterday i felt great, today not so much. if it weren't so cold all the time, i would go to the library and try to get some work done. i'm feeling restless today, nervous and tired at the same time.

we now have a short list of about 5 names. i wasn't sharing any for the longest time, but now people are managing to coax names out of me. i had no idea settling on a name would be so difficult. it's almost as bad as finishing this chapter....

oh, and our birth plan consists of two things:
quiet environment (i.e. no chitchatting near me)
do not offer pain medication/interventions

we like to keep things simple.

p-sling

2009-02-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

i received a puj sling at my first baby shower, but it can't be used until little allen has better head control. so after putting my stroller plans on the back burner, i decided to order an avant linen p-sling during their sample sale. who knows if we'll even love it, but it seems like it would work really well with nursing. i guess we'll find out soon enough.

week 24 v. week 37

2009-02-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

my joints are all loosey-goosey nowadays, but boy am i grateful that i can still walk at a pretty fast pace. i have so much left to do in terms of writing that it seems like i'm always rushing around looking for books. i thought i would calmly knit a few booties during these final weeks, but i feel much happier sticking to my regular workload.

baby things accomplished this week:
diaper trash can (just a small one from simple human)
put up wall art over the crib
ordered a mattress from my local foam store (the owner is ancient and very sweet)
bought diapers (we're going to wait and see whether we'd like to sign up for a diaper service)
met with our doula, who showed us laboring positions and helped strategize (really helpful)
bought a nursing top on sale from japanese weekend
ordered a larger fridge for my mom
tried out the microlite stroller and decided to postpone our stroller purchase until we find out what's happening with mountain buggy.

still left to do:
do i really need an infant bunting suit?
install car seat and have it inspected
pack hospital bag with goodies like smart water and rice chips
finish putting away books and other piles of stuff
keep looking for a used poang chair on craigslist

shower # 2 and a stroller crisis of conscience

2009-02-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

yesterday we had a second baby shower and received many lovely gifts including this mobile. architecture students are known to use school equipment for everything and anything, and this is no exception. the card-stock was laser-etched (looks very similar to letterpress) with various 'archi-speak' words including 'reification,' 'foucauldian,' and my favorite, 'affect' and 'effect' paired together. i am assuming this child will spring from my womb discoursing about the nature of the sublime if he takes after matthew.

so i bought a diaper changing clutch from nonchalant mom, which means i can do without overpriced and very unattractive diaper bags. i do, however, still need a functional bag that can be easily wiped down or cleaned. i am thinking this nylon market tote will do the trick.

maybe it's because i have less than 4 weeks left, i'm starting to feel nervous about our slow preparations. i've been researching strollers for months, test driving them at the shop and obsessively checking craigslist for gently used, more affordable options. i'm hoping to carry him as much as possible, but with my bad shoulders and neck, i know that going without a stroller is not an option.

so, matthew and i finally settled on the new mountain buggy swift. in a world where $600 strollers still don't have everything i want and need, the swift is about the best i can get. although heavy (21 lbs), it handles marvelously, has a sturdy hammock seat, can be used from birth, the canopy is large, the 10 inch air-filled tires cut through the slush, and the decently sized storage basket is easy to reach. you'd think that all strollers would be designed to be functional, but the more time i spent with them, the more i realized how many compromises we're expected to make even as we spend huge amounts of money.

sure, we could go the maclaren route ($80-300), and no doubt we'll end up with a volo for traveling, but i wanted something that would be comfortable for long excursions but still practical for second-floor living in cambridge. i love the bugaboo bee, but today in the shop i asked a parent to place her 9-month old in it, which confirmed my suspicions about its main design flaw. she's about the size of an average 12-month baby, and from the looks of it, would only fit in the beee for about 4-6 more months because the canopy is low and the seat is very narrow. for $530, plus $100+ in accessories, i said no thank you.

anyway, the problem with mountain buggy is that they just filed for bankruptcy. this new zealand company, which manufactures all of its strollers in NZ, is suffering from an expansion last year. bad timing, you could call it. anyway, if it doesn't find a buyer soon, it'll have to cease production. this means that its global 3-year warranty will be null and void. i've heard how well-made the strollers are, but it seems like a bad move to spend $550 if the warranty is useless. matthew thinks that if the strollers go on sale for $250, we should just get one.

well, so i just spent almost 2 hours at this shop hemming and hawing over the strollers. i've turned into a goldilocks of the most dissatisfied and guilt-ridden sort.

quinny buzz 4? i like the two seat fabrics (memory foam and canvas), but it's incredibly heavy and i would have to purchase a separate bassinet.
uppa baby vista? the price is good for the included bassinet, and the storage basket is one of the biggest i've seen. at over 24 lbs, however, i don't think i could schlep it around town and into the apartment, though.
bugaboo frog? i prefer this to the cameleon, probably because it's a pound or two lighter, although the basket is quite small and difficult to access. however, i'm pretty disappointed in how it handles compared with the swift--not so sharp on turns and tight spaces. plus, the fold is one of the dumbest i've ever seen. taking the seat/bassinet off is the easiest part, actually. once that's off, the chassis isn't exactly locked into place (it stands like a drunken sailor). and yet, you still have to press down on a lever during stage one of the fold. then you have to lift it up and make sure the other metal bar snaps into place. when you lift the handle to unfold it, you have to kick the bar out so that it opens out again. i'm sure this gets easier with time, but that's still 1 step too many for me. the thought of taking the seat off and doing a little song-and-dance in the slush and freezing cold is not exactly appealing.

and what about the micralite toro? this is the dark horse contender (love the green). i would have to spend more for the newborn bassinet, but it's relatively light (19 lbs), easy to fold (although not very compact), and has a seat with positions like the bugaboo's (i.e. flat to extremely upright). the storage basket is apparently difficult to access, you have to remove the canopy along with the bumper bar in order to take the latter off, and the back wheels are so close together that people apparently kick them. oh, and you need to use an allen wrench to adjust the handles. hmmm. for $700, you'd think this wouldn't be an issue. anyway, i need to find a shop that carries them so i can try it out for myself.

when i was a baby, my parents used a cheap umbrella stroller, nothing so nice as the maclaren. i suspect most of us used one of these during the 70s and 80s. i also rode around in a car most of the time in the suburbs. i certainly didn't sleep in a $1000+ crib system, nor did i wear $22 cotton caps.

as much as i'd like for little allen to have well-designed, beautiful things, now is the time to set some limits. if only i could make up my mind about what they are for strollers. maybe i'll just wait 3 months until he's able to ride in the uppababy g-luxe, which may or may not be a more comfortable stroller than the lightweight maclarens. i'm probably over-thinking it, but i hate spending money on something that i'm not 95% satisfied with. it isn't even about how much i spend, just that i hate accumulating stuff that i don't love. with babies comes lots of stuff. my job is to keep it to a minimum. sometimes that means overthinking to the point that i need a nap--or ice cream. i think i'll go with the latter.

netto crib and changing station

2009-01-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

seen on odeedoh
changing station, $150
crib, $199

that's pretty darn cheap, considering they cost around $1275. slight seconds, but at that price, i wouldn't care if the finish were slightly imperfect.
still, nothing beats a $50 ikea gulliver crib and a $15 can of dark grey non-toxic paint.

the skirt that saved my pregnancy

2009-01-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

marimekko top
rebecca taylor cardigan
a.p.c. skirt
m.p. wool tights

this a.p.c. skirt is pretty much the only thing i can wear without throwing a hissy fit. remember those paige maternity jeans that i 'had' to have? well, they're still too big on me. at 35 weeks with 2 weeks til i'm full-term (and 2-6 weeks until the kicker makes his appearance), it is unlikely that i'm going to 'grow' into them any time soon.

but the skirt? the skirt is amazing. the best thing about it is that i'll be able to wear it next winter, too. i might make an emergency run to jcrew to pick up a few extra long tanktops in the next week or so, but otherwise, i'm all set.

midwife appointment update for anyone who's interested:
he's measuring exactly right and is head down (although flailing his little rump from side to side).
'where's the head?' one midwife asked.
'it's down here.....Deep.' the other one replied as she dug her hands into my lower abdomen.
'oh yes, now i can feel it.'
'where? where?' i asked as i tried to feel for his head. alas, i couldn't find a thing.

i'm also obsessed with this site about fetal positioning. it has completely changed the way i sit while at the computer.

shopping for someone else for once in my life

2009-01-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

makie wool fleece mitts and booties. $10 each, and they came in a lovely floral fabric bag. they will look perfect with his makie pixie pants.

egg by Susan Lazar cotton coveralls ($33) and Oeuf alpaca wool necktie ($25) at auto.

the sales have been really good, but i've been trying to practice a little self-control. honestly, i have too much clothing, and i'm in such a nutty phase of my life that i can't trust myself to buy something that i'll want to wear five months from now.

but, i couldn't resist picking up a few more things to outfit this winter baby.

makie

2009-01-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

makie sleeveless onesie, $58

there are piles of heavy wet snow outside, but i'm already thinking about summer. if you have a sewing machine, i can't imagine it would be too difficult to make this little onesie. i really like clothing that isn't too close-fitting, and i can't imagine anything cuter than chubby little arms and thighs in this comfy outift.